What does that word do to you may I ask?
Does it conjure up thoughts and then feelings about a time or event in your life that at some point even now causes a shame response?
I know that shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Shame, or the knowledge of the consequence of it can serve its purpose I suppose when one is weighing whether or not their actions could be shameful in someone’s eyes? But whose eyes count? Is it something that we carry with us in adulthood from events that happened while still maturing? I have no real answers to any these questions for anyone but myself. Especially I would never condone that what I am feeling or writing about how I feel or think is the best for anyone else. I don’t. I don’t because I come from a different history, I have different beliefs and thoughts on things than anyone else. Just as you do. We may be like-minded in many ways BUT WE STILL ARE Individuals with individual outlooks.
Shame is something that will cause us to have to pay for the excess baggage. Its expensive. It’s a cost that is likely to cause extreme hardship if allowed to continue to fester. Shame comes in many forms, comes from many things, and is insidious if left alone. Especially the shame that you have had no say in. Shame that was being played out like a maestro orchestrating an orchestra.
I know shame well. And shame knows me well. I am going to add a frame of reference to this post that is rarely my custom. Referencing my past, or my childhood; I’ve spoken about it in simplistic good terms before; the good out of the bad because 99.9% of my time that is just how I see my childhood. There were both. Just as there is in every one of us. For the purpose of this post and for my own journey I hope that you’ll indulge me and maybe even relate.
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON OF LENT
This quote from the Preface of Lent may seem surprising to those people who are accustomed to thinking of Lent solely as a time of penance: “Each year we are given this joyful season when we prepare to celebrate the paschal mystery with mind and heart renewed”.
Lent is certainly a period marked by somber seriousness, but contrary to certain stereotypes it is also a time of joy
We become aware of our sinfulness and our shames, however not by remaining fixated on ourselves, but by contemplating the love of Spirit. The readings for Mass during Lent certainly denounce sin, but at the same time Mass proclaims the divine mercy which is about forgiveness,
For those who do not know I am a recovering Irish Catholic. I mean no disrespect or offense to those who are practicing Catholics, it is my personal spiritual choice based on personal history that made no sense to me to continue being under the direction of The Church that protects physical and sexual abusers. Priests who have obviously disobeyed their vows and promise to God. My abuse albeit not by a man of the clergy but was inflicted by one who should have been an even more trusted member of my family-the paternal grandfather. I was barely 8 yrs old.
Suffice it to say that I find no purpose in regurgitating up the details to be read here. I shall take no part in allowing anyone to “Float their boat” by reading a post here that is intended to help, not hurt. The only thing needed to be known is this was my start to shame. Something that I did not have control over, yet all the same I wore the shame of it like a red scarlet letter.
Growing up, and then growing out of an alcoholic home where parents had their heads in some other game than parenting, seeing violence, arguments were the norm and drunk parents at any time was my fear. I could not and would not let my friends see it. I would try to protect them from it just as hard as I tried to protect my baby brother of 4 years from it. But I could not. This was beyond my control and led me to believe that this was also my shame. I vowed to never as an adult allow events and other people to have power over my life again. The shame of others would never be mine again. I could master my culpability in life, but own no one else’s.
It’s taken me 50 plus years to realize that shame causes guilt of the hidden kind and that I don’t have control and never will. As long as I let whatever happens around me to engulf me spiritually I would continue to try to make it my own. AS long as I allowed my own children who are adults now to accept their shame and guilt I am keeping them from owning what they need to heal.
Spending time on Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent reading and praying I asked Spirit to help me quiet the chatter in my mind, and to still my heart so that I may get closer to letting go of what does not serve me. What can I do to bring my mind more open to Spirit? What can I do to lend my heart to letting go of all old pains? What is keeping me from that complete openness that I will no longer need childish things? Letting go of guilt and shame whether I own it or whether it belongs to someone else will help guide my quest.
I need to let them all go and take down the screen that has helped me keep a guard up around my heart. Hanging on to shame is hanging to resentments, it’s akin to hanging on to an old lover who abuses your right to be happy. I can see ever so clearly now that what I held onto as baggage was a way for me to remain a victim. To hang on to events that are past whether years ago, or yesterday, they only keep a screen of falseness up between myself and the spirit of contentment in my life.
Taking responsibility for events not in my power were bricks that through the years the mortar began to crumble. I had no idea why only that I knew there was this hole in my heart where I placed all shame. Shame has been keeping me from a lot of things for a long time. I did not feel worthy despite all the teachings I was forgiven. I had no idea I also had to forgive myself.
I need to let it all go. I’ve hung on too much too long, so long that I feared the idea of being without this coat of hidden shame. This is what happens when you own something too long that never belonged to you in the first place. Yet I stumble, I look over my shoulder, I run the other way and shame wants to follow. I will have to master this letting go.
Letting go of shame may sound difficult, it may not even be what is thought of as the typical fasting for Lent. Yet it feels so right in my heart, and my mind knows how much I need to let it all go.
This Reason For The Season of Lent I am giving up my shame. Letting it all go and turning it over to something far more powerful than myself. I will cleanse all my resentments away, all the shame will leave my heart. Not just f several weeks until Easter Sunday, but for always. My heart will no longer be abuzz with painful shame, and my mind’s self chatter of times gone will be free to be open to just today. Just this moment. Living in splendor with a whole heart, with a mind that can relish the now, and a spirituality that is quiet, true and free.
Goodbye Old Shame, it’s been real.
These Are The Moments
These are the moments in our life that make us, and they set the course of who we’re always going to be.
Sometimes they’re little, subtle moments.
Sometimes, they are big moments, moments we never saw coming.
Most often no one asks for their life to change, but it does.
It’s what you do with that change and the afterwards that counts.
That’s when you find out who you really are.
In Living the Afterward of Change
Frolic and meander, even when you are made fun of.
Kiss your lover while others are about and may be watching.
Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what your dreams have been bringing.
Run, even when it feels like you cannot possibly lift a another foot and run another inch.
Laugh out loud, even when you feel too sick, or too exhausted.
Laugh anyway. Trust, even when your heart is screaming NO, and you think it could break you.
Trust anyway. Sing, even if others take on that smug smile, like their singing breaks crystal.
And Dance, even if you can’t keep time, and you suddenly grow two left (right) feet.
Smile, even if you really feel like crying. Tears only blur your vision.
.Never forget a moment, even when the memories tug at your heart string’s and leave a hole. Because of all the pain & joy we experience we become the deep feeling kind of person we are meant to be.
Without our experiences we are void of emotions, a vital missing link to who we are. What makes us brave is our enthusiasm to live through our trials, tribulations and hurdles in life; and then still make the choice to hold our head up high the very next day.
Let us not live with a fear of life.
We became even stronger after all our experiences and painful moments that have happened.
Maybe stronger now…….more than we ever were before –
Sail Away ~ original by Enya
This music is very different from the norm that I have done here before. Although it is true that I am very much Irish; that the Celtic Woman sing the sounds I knew of as my maternal great grandparents Folk music and is very meaningful to me, this is not one of those songs. Its much more pop like I’d say, but I love it just the same. The tempo moves my spirit and even more so the lyrics move my heart.Note to All Music Fans, I am making Fall changes or another kind. All the music play list choices I have been posting here (unless specific to a particular narrative post ) will now be posted at; Cyckopps, Rides Again. You can find us at: http://geetoni.wordpress.com/ My hope s that you will follow on over there, click follow, and continue being moved in some way by the music & the stories. If you have something to share and or suggest please feel welcome to do so. ~ Thank you.
FALL CHANGES 2012 & My 6 Word Saturday
Sail Away~ Changes In The Wind
Seems I have been noticing a lot of things I have tended to take for granted lately, and with great joy in my heart these are some of some of the things that have had most of my attention recently. It’s where I have been. Some things taken for granted are now appreciated again… some thing my eyes had never seen before or my heart-felt… are intense feelings today.
While the leaves of the trees are changing colors and falling off the branches of their trees this Fall of 2012 – so it is that I am living some changes in the branches of my own life.. Some brand new; and some long in coming.
This most recent change has kept me a whole lot self consumed this last week, feeling like finally a goal of some sort is being reached. Other things I am passionate and love ..some have taken a back seat and appropriately so., while others I am living loudly and proudly. Without meaning to be cryptic suffice it to say that for the purpose of this post the actual changes are not so important. (they are of course of a very personal nature) It’s the premise behind what I am speaking of that is important for this post. It’s in finding the Autumn changes of life that I am referring to. The authentic truths of yourself.
Life changes like the seasons our life, reaching points where its time for self-reflection and time to consider yourself for maybe the first time ever. To be true to yourself is a lot easier said than done, this is a process I have also discovered.
I am not referring to feeling selfish because you buy something frivolous and it feels selfish. I am not talking about confessing what you think you have done to wrong someone. I don’t mean pampering yourself, although you certainly should. What I specifically mean and I am talking about is being true to thine self in all ways.
I wonder how many of us live as authentically as we could.
I know I was not ~ to be certain..
This is my point ,or my theory if you will. I am not certain if it takes reaching a chronological age to have the courage to finally live the truth for yourself and to find your most authentic path in life, or if it’s an emotional intelligence thing. I frankly don’t care which it is, I am grateful that I just get it now.
My life changes all revolve around being honest, truthful and authentic with myself. Old dreams that were stuffed away for all the wrong reasons are being let loose again, and allowed to live. Aspects of myself I stifled for one reason or another which let me give myself permission to pretend they no longer mattered – once again are being nurtured and encouraged.
On clouds of hopes and dreams that are my own and belong to my hear & spirit which has not given in, or given up…..Those days are gone, much like the brightly Fall leaves that gently or wildly fall off the branches of the trees.
Instead I watch as my authentic spirit with all my truths sails away on the tails of all my hopes and dream.
I really do love this time of my life….
This morning in my mailbox I find:
“Take it from the farmer in me, Barefoot Baroness…
The more seeds you sow, the more plants we’ll grow.
I love wearing overalls”
~ The Universe
I have stopped being amazed at the incredible serendipitous things in life. I also have some time ago come into the wisdom that there is a reason for everything, and that there are no coincidences. Agreed this is just my belief system, and I have no need to try to convince anyone else of it. I am not, as one close friend puts it; “Dummy-ing Up” for no one when it comes to my faith and belief system.
In the message received from The Universe this morning the meaning for me could not have been any clearer. I get it. And the timing is the most perfect aspects of it all, How affirming this message from The Universe.
Sowing seeds. It’s what I try to do each day in some way. Touching in some aspect the world around us, and living in it. The life skills it takes to be successful at living in our world do not come without great education. In the form of seeds we plant education filled lessons regarding skills needed to be a thriving member of this Universe.
Seeds that are sown one by one, each planting one garden of knowledge after another. Growing a new skill set, one, after another. That’s pretty amazing don’t you think?
We share and teach one another what works for us; and how it works for us. Are we not always asking one another questions which we are hoping will divulge the answers to some of life’s most serious questions? And then there are also the silly, may seem unimportant to everyone but you, and the other person questions. Questions like; “what kind of shampoo are you using that makes your hair so shiny and soft? And smells so good!”
No one listening will hardly care.
We have seeds of other kinds that get planted. Seeds planted into fertile soil that almost go unnoticed, maybe even spread by the wind. Seeds of random kindness, seeds of caring for the neighbor who was always so kind to your children while they were growing up.
And with grace the seed that the neighbor planted with the kindness shown to your children will be paid forward once again by their very own act’s of caring towards others, even the same neighbor many years later. Acts of kindness paid forward in the name of love.
Another seed planted.
Those little seeds spend quiet periods of time which to us may seem dormant – loving the dew drops as nurturing life-sustaining moisture that will germinate those tiny seeds of seeming nothingness into gorgeous stand up tall and proud seedlings.
Seedlings growing tall and fine.
Seedlings of human nature filled with random acts of kindness, care and concerns. Kindness and Concerns for no other reason than we are human and we tend to be loving civilization.And the Truth is we need to be kind and to be concerned and caring for others. It is our Nature, It is our Truth
These tender seedlings have the makings of becoming The Seeker’s of Truth through their ground breaking of peeking up from the earth. We are the wiser for paying tribute to The Seekers. It is in the Paying It Forward that the Truth brings with it The Love that will keep us carrying forward through the Universe.
Seedlings of The Truth Seekers
And so…The Universe tells us this… “We the people shall be called The Philatelist “The Lover Of Truth “