( Note: I started this post a few days ago but at the time could not finish it. I am leaving it however in present tense. )
I missed something today.
I just couldn’t even put it into words, that which I was missing.
I just felt lost.
Today the silliest of things, brought the quickest of tears to my eyes.
t’s been a lovely but weird change in my life, one that has certainly let me be alone lone enough to now know more of what my mom’s life was like for her after raising her Family. Then finding herself living alone for the first time in her life.
Though I refuse to live my life with regret I do wish I had the foreshadow to know then what I know today.
Some Triggers for feelings and memories can come from the oddest sources. The connections not really apparent.
At least right away.
For instance the video that follows below, I actually watched and fell in love with this story over a year ago, and there was not the trigger then for me like there is today. Maybe there was. [shrugging shoulders]
But I just was not in a mind-set that heard or felt it, that is a real possibility because even today it took me hours to recognize where that feeling of lost was coming from. I shared the video with a group, I watched it again, and I was crying before and after, crying through the entire story.
(It is a darling 16 minute story so worth watching)
I didn’t know why or where the tears were coming from. I can be a fairly emotional person I admit, but tears at the drop of an animated video? Tears blurring my vision when a friend shared how paralyzed he is musically because of grief? I must be crying for his loss.
There were more tears. At every turn today I found myself weepy. The video only was the break in the dam of feelings. There was a disconnect I couldn’t attach to. What was happening emotionally to me? I don’t cry over nothing.
I said to myself; “Self, you know maybe it is just the season and not feeling 100%.”
So many people struggle this time of year and feel disjointed, they feel disconnected.
There was simply a feeling of being lost that I couldn’t put my finger on.
Like Pine must have felt.
Later while finally sending my daughter a song I’d discovered last week I heard at least a dozen times it was never from the perspective that I heard today.
A connection to the tear drops for me was made through lyrics.
If you know anything about me you will know that I use music in my life to communicate, to process, and sometimes to navigate life. It’s who I always have been.
Sending my daughter a song is not at all an unusual thing. We share a similar taste in a lot of music, and it’s especially true regarding Beth Hart‘s music. Her lyrics, her style, they are significantly important to both of us.
Listening to the song again I heard it from the perspective of a daughter for the first time. I knew then right away what my tearful day was about.
I miss my mom. Simple as that.
My Mom: Penny Taylor (18 yrs old)
In sharing my feelings with my youngest daughter who I was sending the song I told her that ‘mom’s’ typically are the one person in our lives who really do love us no matter what or who we are. It had finally hit me, finally it occurred to me that this is what my loss was about. No matter what choices I made in my life my mom always supported me. I always felt loved by my mom even when maybe I didn’t deserve to be. That unconditional love that only a mother can give.
How awesome that my emotions were mixed between those for my daughter, and those for my mom.
I think this might be part of my life’s full-circle.