Tag Archive | Love story

Saying So Long

Saying so long to a family member after a long visit can be bittersweet. Often bridged between feeling sad to see them go, and glad to have your house back. That;s how I feel typically when we have had family here for an extended time. For me extended time is anything after a week.By the I am tired of playing look for the needle in the haystack when even just trying to find the coffee filters in the mornings. Why is it that Bear;s best friend thinks that his sense of organization in my kitchen is best for me?

I digress.

Usually this is where I’d be after a week, bummed to see them go, we really did enjoy every minute of each others company and can laugh off the coffee filters.

Not today though. Today I am just bummed. Today our grandson leaves to go back home. He’s been with us a full month and we have loved every second.

I don’t want him to go!

Lletting T go today will be a tug on my heart-strings that will hurt for days. I’ll smell his youth of him on my arms for hours after he leaves, refusing to wash even my hands for a bit, so to hold on to that which keeps him near.

It’s been a full, busy month with T here. Having just the energy alone has been good for me. It’s hard to focus on your woes when there is 13-year-old male energy running through the house, out to the basketball hoop, p-thack!-p-thack! —against the backboard. I love these sounds, love having his presence here. I told him just last week it does not matter if he’s hanging out in his room alone, or being forced to be part of what we’re doing (such tteenage ways) it does not matter to me. Just having him here in the house is what brings him close to me. Having him here, his energy, his soul, his tall lanky body fills the air up with hope and adventure.

When he left last time in the spring he was not as tall as his Papa, This time when he came back he had passed that self-imposed goal and now has to bend to hug me and is towering over me like a man. This little guy who grew into such a tall and fine young man is my favorite grandson. Oh I know, we’re not supposed to have favorites, but in this case it’s okay.

As T reminds me when I say, “T darling, do you know I love you the most, and you are certainly my most favorite grandson to date.” He says, Oh but Nana- I AM your ONLY grandson

So long T-Man, I miss you all ready.


When Daughters Become Mothers Too

I have a serious question for you:

(and then a brief piece of sharing)

If you have an adult daughter or daughter-in-law in your life who is herself a mother now, do you acknowledge her on Mothers Day?

 If so, how? 

And if you do not; can you please share with me what your belief is about this?

It’s been over 35 years since my husband & I were gifted with our two daughters. While they were growing up Mother’s Day for me always started on Friday evening after getting home from work, and lasting until bedtime Sunday night. Mother’s Day. As the Queen for the weekend I would be pampered, cherished, and able to do whatever it was I pleased. This included where and what I wanted to eat, and when of course. My food choices varied over the years depending on cravings and our growing family budget.  The weekend start would find my daughters and husband in cahoots and great secrecy planning my weekend. My Mother’s Day would always began with our two girls  bringing toast, orange juice, and with the help of their daddy, coffee and my mom’s fruit salad to me in bed. The girls were not allowed to use the stove in those early days of Breakfast In Bed;  albeit hot breakfasts could never hold a candle to the beautiful tray my babies would set for me. Having both my mom and my mom in law represented on the tray with a vase and linen napkins that were once theirs helped some with  my own mom being a distance away. Wee would typically just be able to talk on the phone on Mother’s Day which did help me to feel nearer to her.  Always the girls would find the coolest and most different foliage to create a bouquet to adorn the tray,along with the cloth napkins and my Sunday paper. (Advertisements always removed) the girls would quietly knock on the door and creep in singing in their light & lyrical little peeping voices: “Happy Mothers Day Mommy!! “

This weekend I realize its been about 19 years ago our daughter #1 gifted our family with an angel. My first baby gave me a gift that I had been waiting for all my life. Since childhood I had always wanted to be a grandmother, I could not wait to be a grandma and even as young as 4 years old I remember play acting with mybaby dolls as their Nana. Somehow as a small child the whole logistic issue of needing to be a mommy first  skipped my reasong ( But that desire did in fact come later) 

The week in 1992 that  we learned my own mother was dying of terminal – final stages  -of lung cancer. Simply stated I was devastated. It had been just a year prior that we had moved back to my hometown bringing us just  5 minutes away from her. God works in some amazing ways.  That week while we trying to go on with every day living and managing my own mom dying we received a phone call from Iwukuni Japan. This was where our daughter #1 was stationed with her Marine Corps Jarhead husband. Calls from Japan were luxuries, and we had just spoke the day before. Somewhat feeling a sense of walking through fog as I listened on speaker phone as our daughter #1 told us that we were to become grandparents together. Finally. ( My husband at the time already had 4 grandchildren. I am not his 1st wife, but am his last) It was the most exciting news we had heard since the news of her own impending birth and that of her sisters.  The bitter-sweetness of discovering the news that I was to lose my mom and be blessed with a grandchild-  all in the same week – was almost too much to bear. But very soon I saw that my grandchild is my angel – heaven-sent. A baby girl we would learn a few month later through her very first photograph. That of an ultra-sound.

Just about 6 years later our immediate family was to grow by two more feet. Our daughter #2 blessed us with our 2nd grand baby from our own tiny family. This now would make 7 in total with D.”s five grand children who are just as much mine. (We’re currently at the count and the wonder of 8 grand children and one great grand baby boy)  Our daughter #2 gifted this Nana with her only grandson. Its been such an exciting thing watching this young man grow from infant to young man (12 yrs of age) I did not meet my step son until he almost 9 yrs of age, all those early years when a child is forming the “who” they are to become I was not privy to. Having the absolute gift and delight of getting this chance to see a baby boy become a vibrant giving back to the world young man is pretty special.

My two daughters who I think about daily, and rarely does a day go by that I don’t hear from one or both have made my adult years the best part of my life. I never have had to question who I am, or what I was doing with my life because I knew. I knew then and I know now that my children are the best work of my life. I know that my husband & I have gifted our family’s, this world, and our communities with two of the brightest and most outwardly giving young women I am proud to know. Their own personal successes are not limited to, but most assuredly include the gifts of our two grandchildren. My lights.

My mother never acknowledged me on Mothers Day. It was her day. I never actually gave it a thought. Even when my own daughters became new mommy’s and I celebrate their mommyhood on Mother’s Day it never occurred to me that I could be creating a bit of a tiff in my family. Actually that is not so, it was with my son in  laws family. His mother, my daughter #1’s mother in law believed I was committing a sacrilege by honoring my daughters also on Mother’s Day. She felt it was taking away something from the elder mothers and that it just should not take place. Although beyond that her tongue always seemed tied on this point.

I was never on the fence about this issue personally. I continue to celebrate this holiday that is perfectly intended to honor my daughters just as much as it is to honor my late mother, and mother – in -law. I am still  quiteb affled by my daughter’s now ex-mother -in laws’ ttitude and beliefs. It has never been something I can reconcile myself with. I don’t know why these small acts on my own to celebrate the fact that my female children are mothers too. I think its quite a sweet thing being able to share thos wonder of Motherhood with my now dult dauughters who are now also mommy’s. An amazing way to bond, another gift of bonding material for us to work with.

 So, what about you?  Do you celebrate your own children’s parenting on Mothers and Fathers Day?  Please share. I really am curious about this question.

And while I am writing about my two beautiful babies who are in my alter ego version of themselves now adult women with babies of their own I want to publicly celebrate the incredible ways of their own parenting, that of which I adore. You are both excellent parents with amazing memories you have and are creating for your own children. Your babies who are the next generational gifts to this world – from you both.

 Happy Mother’s Day A & J:  from your daddy & your mommy~ Thank you both!!  

This is for you both~

I love that you loved all of my “art”

though I’m sure it was uglier than a pile of warts.

From pottery to painting to paper mache,

you even liked that drawing of me and Nick Lachey.

But, come on, at this point it’s all older than vintage,

so I think it’s time to take it down from the fridge.

©tjhelser 2012

Story Telling ~ Paper Art Style

Thinking that having all my story pages, scrapbook layouts in one place would be a brilliant idea as a back up. All these layouts and more are in albums. It will take me years to upload them here at WP but as another gallery online its a perfect idea in my mind.

Along with hand crafted cards, collages,paper sculptures & carvings, home decor projects,multi=medium altered journals, and hand crafted mini albums, & story books are all  just part of what I see my Paper Art Gallery containing.

I also will be taking a bit of a risk. But a very tiny,  small one.

I hope that anyone stopping by enjoys something a bit different for my blog. Another side of me… if you will.

Hoping you all enjoy, or even better yet become inspired.


"Talking About My Guy ~ 2011


"I Will Always Love you' 2011


" Original Daughter"


Rockaway Oregon ~ 2009





These page layouts are all of my family. From my BFF, my husband of going on 42 years, YES! I said 42 years, to our two daughter’s who are our finest works, and our two grandchildren. Our granddaughter is 19 yrs old a freshman at The university of Oregon, and our grandson who is 12 years old and is going to be an NBS player & star.

Also included is our beloved Rockaway Oregon’s spectacular sunsets and my best galpal here where I live.

I hope you enjoyed this small glimpse into my small world.

Thanks for visiting and taking the time. ~


<©tjhelser 2012

A Valentines Gift For You


Valentine’s Day is a day of telling those who matter just what they mean to you and that expressing sharing your love is a priority on this particular day.  And Valentines’ Day is not meant to be shared or expressed with just one person.  But instead of just that one special person are there not many that have touched your life in some way? Friends, children, your mom and dad, grand children, maybe even the young lady who washes your car window shield. (OOPS! I forgot you world need to live in Oregon or New Jersey to have a favorite attendant)
 Any way…. This is a day to fill with appreciation, acknowledgment and thanks, no matter who is it. Reaching out and with a yellow rose in your heart  will  help your day be  one of beauty and with full. Hearts.

Valentine’s Day does not have to be just for sweethearts. Although this will be the common theme running through-out the day when one does not have that relationship referred to as a The Love Story. It’s true they exists. I am blessed that I am living my Love Story out. So maybe the jaded woes I’ll be hearing today are ones that I have not been personally privy to.

We all want to love. And to be loved. And in the romantic way. I get it.
But when we do not find that magic love we often become too afraid to risk everything & anything to find it again. If love does peek an eye out I see those around me who have been hurt start running in the complete other way. “Best I be the one splitting before I am split on.”
Yet while searching for that lasting relationship if we think it’s about to turn our way, or if it comes about, we are relieved when the person goes away. Why?

I see this dance with my single friends over and over. “Yes he is stunning, yes he is good to me,” But, But & more Buts. “But …there must be something terribly wrong with him because he finds me attractive.” Really?

I have seen my friends who are so bummed because they do not have “ a date” for valentine’s Dinner. This year, last year, and the years before. The only time I hear them bemoaning this fact is on the holidays that seem to be custom-made for Hallmark.

The rest of the year they are just too freaked to risk it anymore. Being dumped or doing the dumping has a devastating effect on people. Its enough so that some have a difficult time returning from it. Its easier in their minds to just not take the risk. To bottle up feelings and promise themselves to never be open to love again. They shut down. How if you have shut down your feelings, are instead numb, ever going to meet some one? Meet your Valentine?

They are not.

Yet maybe that is not such an awful thing. Maybe time to heal and search out that which s meaningful for your soul would not be a bad thing. What could possibly be wrong with falling in love with life again? Life first, love story second.

Falling in love with Life again can be a very sweet Valentine. Giving up the same old fight for something that really is not there can be a Valentine. Life can be absolutely stunning when your heart is open to it.

If, and I say If, you are looking for a new love, your first love or your Love Story I say keep on looking. But for today, for Valentine’s Day this year be your own Valentine. I know it may sound somewhat cheeky at first. But rather than spend your whole entire Valentine’s Day with your nose turned to the ground, your heart closed off because you are resentful, may I suggest you open your eyes and hear wide?

There is so much about you that is filled with love to give. There are so many others out and around who want to give love. If we stop looking for the romantic in such a dogged way it can be very surprising and enlightening what will come to our hearts instead. Just on Valentine’s day. Then keep your heart open, go move forward on the day after and after… with your heart open, your eyes no longer cast to the ground. I cannot wait until next year you are telling that your very own personal Valentine was standing beside you the entire time.

You had just forgot to open your eyes wide, and your heart even wider.

In the next couple days make friends with everyone you meet.

In the meetings with your new friends make them feel like they are the star.

Look for what you find engaging and things you can like about them.

Give to your friends, letting them know they are important enough to you  to make them feel special.  

Using the Golden Rule; treat them how you want to be treated.

Don’t wait for them to initiate, to make the first step. Act on those things that you would like to have done for you.

Just Give. Do not give with the expectations that you will receive something back. A gift given with expectations of returns is not really a gift given at all.

Give for just the sake of giving.

And from me to you; Happy Valentine’s Day!

©  tjhelser 2012

A Borrowed Love Song~ Because I Need You Now!

Dearest Grandson T; (I will not use your name here only so that I do not cause you any embarrassments of discomfort.)

I miss you this cold and windy day more than you’ll ever know. You’ve brought so much sunshine and warmth to my world and to have you now gone is sometimes more than I can bear. I have little doubt that you’re happier where you are and I saw this coming. I was just not prepared for it so soon. It’s not anything I want you to ever feel responsible for but I cannot help but miss you more than I hurt. The empty hole in my heart that was left behind shocks me, you’re not that far away and visits will happen often. The one I was counting on tonight has left me down, left me feeling like I really need you now.

This love letter and borrowed song may seem to you like these two things should be saved to be given only to lovers.To boyfriends from girlfriends. Not true. My heart has grown with so much love for you the baby boy who was born into this family, and the young gentle man you have spent the last 12 years growing to become. I’ve watched in fascination and delight. Never raising a boy before and only having girls I am often amazed at how different yet amazing boys are. This kind of letter and the dedication of this song below are only meant to express to you how much I need you now in my life, and always will.

The family traditions that we’ve played out each year I have discovered where not for me, maybe not even for anyone else in this family. I may have been fooling myself. They were and are for you and your only cousin on this side of your Nana & Papa’s family. Without you they are not what I thought they were. They are not the traditions I know without you. This is why I need you now. You Master T. & Ms K. are what it all was for. All about your shining eyes and willing hearts in the days leading up to any holiday would leave me with awesome anticipation and excitement at the thoughts of cooking and baking together, playing games, fighting (deciding) who will say grace that year, and the meals we shared. Sitting across the table from you and being reminded just how much I love you and that I need you in my life, in my world. That when I said as a little girl: “I want to be a grandma” it was because of you. The need of having a grandchild just like you.

I am not as selfish as this letter seems. I promised you that I only want what you are looking for to make you happy, to keep you safe and successful at what you choose to do. And I am able to keep that promise, to put your feelings and wants ahead of mine almost every time. Usually without any exceptions, questions or doubts.

 Except when I’m needing you now.

Having just this tiny family and watching it dwindle down is like losing someone you love very dear and not being able to stop the actions of others causing it to happen. I know this is all more mature than some might think good for you, but I know you T. I know how you were raised. I know that honest feelings were always spoke out loud and not shoved under some false idea of what is proper, and what is not. You were protected and kept safe, but not sheltered. I pray, even as I miss and need you now that those things you learned as you matured are things that will allow you to stay true and authentic to yourself. And to this relationship we’ve so lovingly nurtured and spent time together growing. The kind patience we have discovered with each other. Remember the dried apple? How long did it take?

It may be something not said much any more between grandparents and grandchildren, especially between the Nana’s & the grandson’s of this modern world. This is a different time. Loving you as honestly and passionately as I do I am concerned this open letter to you will cause some embarrassment at your tender age of manhood.  An age when you’ve not grown into your masculine skin completely yet; and not enough to know this letter is something that I need you to know now. Waiting to write this until your 18 may be too late in life and I’d be saddened to think you’d never know how much I needed you now. Then, now & always. So I write this now and in this way.

The tears are falling on my face as I write this my dear grandson. I’ll not get to hold your hand while we pray this year. I’ll not smell the hit of the cold fresh Autumn air in your hair when you sweep in the door. This is just as much a part of loving you as is hearing your newly husky voice cheering on the game with your mom and papa, while I pull the warm fresh rolls you love from the oven door. I’ll not be making fresh rolls this year for the table. I cannot. It’s a silly gesture I know. Maybe so a  love letter between grandmother and grandchild. This is how I express when I am unable to do so in real-time, or in person.  But I cannot and I will not apologize for who I am and how I do things. This is who I am..

I need you too much now.

I was not expecting this grandson. I was never expecting you to leave this closely knit friendship we created so soon. I know you never expected it either and as a 12-year-old young man this need of mine will never be shared with you until you’re old enough to know what it really means. To know, even though it’s a selfish act of a need of my own,  it’s one that is pure and honest. There is something really special about God bringing you to our lives, to this family, to this grandmother who loves you so much. That God would finally bring you, a young baby boy to my world and I can say with pride that my own grand baby boy is a gift by grand design. A design that shows me yet one more time that God knows what He is doing in our lives. How HE continually Blesses in ways we don’t expect.  I never expected to love you this much, never expected I’d need you so much in my life.

 Yet I was not prepared to have you gone so soon across the mountain pass. To be so far away and yet as close as only a phone call away Or a couple of hours road trip.. But I still miss you and when I put all my Thanksgiving eggs in the one basket and made them all about you being here this year I set myself up for great disappointment. It’s only because I miss you and need you now. I was not ready to experience this Holiday without you – thought when you’re were coming across the mountain pass all would feel right. If even it was just for the 4 day weekend, in our world with you here all would be as it should. I’d have you here to watch, listen and to learn from. The first year with you gone might have been easier to feel the changes happening with having time being spent as a family again, and time to adjust to you living across the mountain pass. I’m sorry I’m still not there yet.

Without sounding too whiney or pathetic; and without practicing a pity party for one, let me tell you that this letter and dedicated song below are just my way of expressing the pain and fear I am feeling with you gone from the world  I knew. The one with you a big part of it. Slowly and definitely your cousin Ms K left this side of the mountain pass too. The busier and more wild side of larger cities that you both find yourself in are worlds apart from the one here in this small hometown in the high desert that you knew. With exciting and new events happening daily in your life away from this small town I fear your need for this Nana will not linger as I’d always hoped it would. I wasn’t expecting this my grandson.  I just was not ready for you to move on across the mountain pass yet .~

I’m just not ready yet, I’m not ready for you to move on and no longer need me.  Not ready for me to no longer cross your mind.

I miss you terribly, I love you so.  And I need you now.  


 Lyrics and song  BY:  LADY ANTEBELLUM:  For you my favorite, and my only grandson: (Love songs are not just written and sung for boyfriend and girlfriends. Love songs can also all about the love between a grandmother and a grandson.


Picture perfect memories Scattered all around the floor Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I Ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone And I need you now Said I wouldn’t call But I’ve lost all control

And I need you now

 And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey Can’t stop looking at the door Wishing you’d come sweeping In the way you did before
And I wonder if I Ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time
It’s a quarter after one I’m a little drunk And I need you now Said I wouldn’t call But I’ve lost all control

And I need you now

And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now
Whoa, whoa Guess I’d rather hurt Than feel nothing at all
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone And I need you now And I said I wouldn’t call But I’m a little drunk

And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now I just need you now
Oh baby, I need you now



PS. of course you know that this is just a song and though the words mean so much not all is relevant to you & I. It is a love song and My Love I love you more than I ever thought possible. You are the one and only young man I’ll watch from day one until I can watch no longer. You are such a gift and joy to me. I hope one day you’ll understand why this song. I hope you’ll always remember too that despite this song singing about missing a loved one it also and is speaking of drinking whiskey and being drunk; know that I am grateful you’ll know that is not who I am. That you never saw me drunk.