Tag Archive | life changes

When It’s Time To Quit

I can fake a smile.

I can pretend that I’m okay…

but I’m only in denial.

My hearts been chained…

been imprisoned by shame.   ~ A 2011 state of mind:


sitting on the fence

Time doesn’t always look you in the face. Quite often time is what holds us in the balance of our choices. 

Do you ever wonder why we do some things in our lives over and over despite knowing it will not result in any different outcome? Repeatedly, every time?  Probably results that we know do not serve us.

Decisions for me were times in my life when I struggled. There were these inevitable arguments between my instincts and life’s external/internal expectations. The arguments would paralyze me. Not making any decision is A decision, a decision to remain stuck. That thing we call “time” ran on while I chose to remain behind. My choice had been to remain stuck in the same place because I was stranded in the balance of not deciding. I’m certain I don’t need to explain the pathology behind my chronic indecisiveness to most, nor explain the certain kind of bliss of not taking any ownership for making a decision. If I didn’t decide I couldn’t be blamed. Right?

Denial feels like a wonderful thing….for a awhile. Denial helps support indecisiveness in multitude of ways. Repeating not making decisions was not serving me, it was actually just another form of denial.

When finally I found I could no longer fake the smiles I began to make decisions that started to unchain my heart. Shame began to fall away.

Transparency Time.

I knew things were off for a long time, I mean 10 plus years of a “longtime.” Those misguided notions I chose to let my heart ignore. All that was off in my life; it all began to mess with my emotional intelligence, and this finally messed with my spiritual health, which in turn messed with my physical health.

To be as transparent about this “longtime” as I can let me say I had found the only way to cope with all that I was denying was to get numb. Because I was dealing with physical health issues I had convinced myself I needed pharmaceutical medications to function mentally and physically. With hindsight the truth is the medications helped me stay in denial, it helped me to remain numb to the pain, both physical and mental. This treatment modality helped me stay stuck. So much in denial was I that it took major life alterations for myself to begin to feel again.

Which meant having to make decisions.

Some extremely frightening decisions had to be made by myself if I ever intended to expect different results; if I ever expected a resemblance of emotional and physical health again.What I had been doing by doing nothing certainly was not working except to keep me stuck. Time didn’t stick though and I was losing a lot of it. Too much of it.

A decision had to be made. Decisions had to become part of my game plan. Denial was no longer working. Faking a smile was no longer getting me by.

NOT making a decision WAS a decision. One that in time I could no longer live with.

Deciding to make major lifestyle changes was frightening but staying stuck was scaring me more.

I began the long task of excavating myself to discover what it was that wasn’t working for me and I made drastic changes.

The first one I made was possibly the most important change. I changed my habit of over-thinking everything, every step, every move. I made a vow to begin the change and decided to listen to my instincts while learning to trust them versus the dwelling of second guessing.

Making decisions about everything from my marital status, removing toxic medications and toxic relationships were the most difficult choices to make for this lady who typically found it a struggle to decide what to take out of the freezer for dinner. Don’t believe it if you are told an “old Lady” can’t learn new tricks. Not true. Although the new lessons might come slow, taking their time they’ll come. Just make the decision to learn.

It will be five years in July that I made the most drastic decisions. Making physical changes in moving my residence to living alone, then the gradual removal of pharmaceutical medications that were doing far more harm than any good, all the while filtering those in my life and the weight I give to respective relationships.

With great joy I found my health and my life reaching a place of good I had not been in for a long, long time. This time in my life I decided to jump off the proverbial fence of indecisiveness of being stuck. Deciding this is the time when I finally choose to take ownership for my well-being and the serenity of self peace.

The changes inside me are not changes most see, some who do see the changes see them as misguided deflections, but then there are those who do see the authenticity that I am striving to live today.

No more fake smiles.

No more denial.

When it’s time to quit.




Rock My Soul Single

*Updated December 2016rock my soul

* Almost four years ago; 4 January 2013, I opened the door to a different life.


Moving into my new apartment in almost a foot of snow I began embracing the different me that began emerging. I have spent the last four years getting to know this me. I think in all honesty the perception that some had of me as “The Bitch” was because my choices actually empowered me. I finally was being the most honest me I can ever recall being in my life. I’d began to feel accountable for my happiness and my peace of mind. I began to create boundaries in my life. It’s been a process with quite a bit of a learning curve and I blow it still sometimes. I am finding there is empowerment in boundaries though and I am getting better at it. Better too at not dissolving into a puddle of guilt when I do draw lines that impact other people, despite this being sometimes perceived as cold and uncaring.

Making a commitment to create boundaries for one’s sense of serenity and peace sounds so much easier than the reality is. That is if you care to live in your universe with other people and hope to have your soul rocked by others.
Some will rock your soul, some won’t. Some will cause you to wish that you could simply rock them out of your universe. Life has given us the marvelous gift of being in control of what and who we let rock our soul, our heart, our mind, and our world. Making choices good or bad are at least my choices, and they make up the person I am and how I live my life. This comes with the understanding that no one else is responsible nor can I point the blame if my decisions don’t bode well. But there is this empowering liberation. It took me the large majority of my lifetime to understand this. To apply the knowledge took me even longer, and to finally own it? Just recently in fact. When the choices serve me to the good I willingly and happily own it. When my choices serve me poorly I am working on owning it, but not so happily. Yet.

Today in 2016 I am happily owning it.

I know very few absolute truths in this life of mine, but I do know that one of life’s most basic truths is things constantly change. We as people change. What others saw in me thirty, twenty, or even three years ago has changed. We are a continuous evolution of change. It’s called humanity.

Four years ago in the middle of my life I took a hold of myself and shook up my world like it hadn’t been since I was nine years old. Having long recognized that I was literally drowning in angry sadness I found myself isolating like I never had before. Admittedly I thrive on solitude, always have and always will. Solitude to maintain balance works for me, but solitude in a self-imposed isolation to avoid conflicted feelings and tension became something quite different.
Although I referred to this time as being depressed I don’t want to minimize depression, nor the treatments, I know in hindsight that isn’t truthfully what it was I was coping with. Any symptoms of depression were indicative of the changes I needed to address. Isolating became a way of avoidance and as long as I saw and called it depression then I wasn’t having to face the real fears I was trying to ignore.

“Nothing stays the same.”

Things change, people change, and people change their minds, me included. Admitting this wasn’t my first nature; changes meant the unknown and the unknown meant fears. I had not ever been comfortable addressing my fears, yet to continue to think I could ignore them I realized was delusional on my part.

It’s been a long strange trip the last 4 plus years of my life with all the changes I made. After running into an old acquaintance in the grocery store I realized during a baffling few moments that I physically have changed in many ways. While standing in the fresh produce department talking with her it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was my reply to her kind “How have you been?” that did it.Before I realized what I was saying I replied “My life is vastly different and my lifestyle choices might make some who have known me before uncomfortable today.”

My friend pierced her lips, ” Pasha!”

But I know there is credible truth in what I said. The most oblivious outwardly changes has been the physical change. I lost almost 50 lbs.in the first 8 months of making changes in my personal and marital status. The stress was removed from my face.

There are also internal changes I am navigating that no one can see. New truths about myself. Once upon a time I was one of two, part of a couple for a first lifetime 42 years.  Once upon a time my social life revolved around family dynamics, community and other couples.  “Once upon a time is where I used to belong.”

Today that’s part of my change. Becoming single has meant major changes in my lifestyle involving living alone, changes in my social status and how I interact socially. Being alone as a Single in social circles brought about my first self-conscious awareness of being a “single” -the first year after becoming a Single, those first moments of being aware that alone could feel lonely, I found myself get sucked into a pity party for one. More changes obviously needed.

Four years later I fiercely protect my alone time and realize that a person can be lonely in a room full of people. Or with an insignificant other. Embracing changes means making necessary choices. I began to foster within myself that being a Single is nothing less than being a whole me. Highlighting lifestyle choices of living single keeps me mindful of why I made the life changing decision in October 2011 and made it common knowledge in July 2012. I was no longer domestic partnership material. I no longer wanted to be the other half because I am whole on my own. And that is enough.

Despite the moments of awkward singularity this is the lifestyle I prefer to live today and I am more true to myself (and others) than I have ever lived-for the first time since before the age of nine years old. Not having to be accountable or responsible for anyone but me is worth the few lonely moments. I’ve discovered it’s a far more an empty sense of loneliness living in a lousy, non-fulfilling and angry relationship than it is living single.

Changes happened.

It’s been a long 4 plus years filled with needed changes, including this past year of 2016. I have grown, I have healed, I am living my life….my way. I’m even considering now possibly being open to having my heart rocked by someone.

My world? ….it’s already being rocked.

Letting the negatives wash away…. and keeping only the good that Rocks My Soul.