Tag Archive | health

When It’s Time To Quit

I can fake a smile.

I can pretend that I’m okay…

but I’m only in denial.

My hearts been chained…

been imprisoned by shame.   ~ A 2011 state of mind:


sitting on the fence

Time doesn’t always look you in the face. Quite often time is what holds us in the balance of our choices. 

Do you ever wonder why we do some things in our lives over and over despite knowing it will not result in any different outcome? Repeatedly, every time?  Probably results that we know do not serve us.

Decisions for me were times in my life when I struggled. There were these inevitable arguments between my instincts and life’s external/internal expectations. The arguments would paralyze me. Not making any decision is A decision, a decision to remain stuck. That thing we call “time” ran on while I chose to remain behind. My choice had been to remain stuck in the same place because I was stranded in the balance of not deciding. I’m certain I don’t need to explain the pathology behind my chronic indecisiveness to most, nor explain the certain kind of bliss of not taking any ownership for making a decision. If I didn’t decide I couldn’t be blamed. Right?

Denial feels like a wonderful thing….for a awhile. Denial helps support indecisiveness in multitude of ways. Repeating not making decisions was not serving me, it was actually just another form of denial.

When finally I found I could no longer fake the smiles I began to make decisions that started to unchain my heart. Shame began to fall away.

Transparency Time.

I knew things were off for a long time, I mean 10 plus years of a “longtime.” Those misguided notions I chose to let my heart ignore. All that was off in my life; it all began to mess with my emotional intelligence, and this finally messed with my spiritual health, which in turn messed with my physical health.

To be as transparent about this “longtime” as I can let me say I had found the only way to cope with all that I was denying was to get numb. Because I was dealing with physical health issues I had convinced myself I needed pharmaceutical medications to function mentally and physically. With hindsight the truth is the medications helped me stay in denial, it helped me to remain numb to the pain, both physical and mental. This treatment modality helped me stay stuck. So much in denial was I that it took major life alterations for myself to begin to feel again.

Which meant having to make decisions.

Some extremely frightening decisions had to be made by myself if I ever intended to expect different results; if I ever expected a resemblance of emotional and physical health again.What I had been doing by doing nothing certainly was not working except to keep me stuck. Time didn’t stick though and I was losing a lot of it. Too much of it.

A decision had to be made. Decisions had to become part of my game plan. Denial was no longer working. Faking a smile was no longer getting me by.

NOT making a decision WAS a decision. One that in time I could no longer live with.

Deciding to make major lifestyle changes was frightening but staying stuck was scaring me more.

I began the long task of excavating myself to discover what it was that wasn’t working for me and I made drastic changes.

The first one I made was possibly the most important change. I changed my habit of over-thinking everything, every step, every move. I made a vow to begin the change and decided to listen to my instincts while learning to trust them versus the dwelling of second guessing.

Making decisions about everything from my marital status, removing toxic medications and toxic relationships were the most difficult choices to make for this lady who typically found it a struggle to decide what to take out of the freezer for dinner. Don’t believe it if you are told an “old Lady” can’t learn new tricks. Not true. Although the new lessons might come slow, taking their time they’ll come. Just make the decision to learn.

It will be five years in July that I made the most drastic decisions. Making physical changes in moving my residence to living alone, then the gradual removal of pharmaceutical medications that were doing far more harm than any good, all the while filtering those in my life and the weight I give to respective relationships.

With great joy I found my health and my life reaching a place of good I had not been in for a long, long time. This time in my life I decided to jump off the proverbial fence of indecisiveness of being stuck. Deciding this is the time when I finally choose to take ownership for my well-being and the serenity of self peace.

The changes inside me are not changes most see, some who do see the changes see them as misguided deflections, but then there are those who do see the authenticity that I am striving to live today.

No more fake smiles.

No more denial.

When it’s time to quit.




Resilient Human Spirit

Sometimes we need a powerful reminder just how fantastic the human spirit is, how resilient we are as a species. I had another post in mind for today that actually also speaks to the resilience of the human heart and spirit 

The video below is the most perfect segue into that post ( look for it early in the week )

I ran smack into this gentleman & his story thanks to social media, and if you have not seen it yet I promise you will be moved to tears. Feel good kind of tears. 
The powerful reminder received from this man’s story is a perfect example of how getting outside our own head, our own ‘issues’ and being allowed to be touched by others is healing to our own spirit. 
Thank you Arthur for your share ~

The Art of Doing Nothing At All..


I’m trying to practice the art of “doing nothing at all.” And to do it well.

Are you feeling frazzled?

Feeling overwhelmed by life?

I am going to suggest that if you are spinning your wheels – over and over –  regarding the same things every day, every week, that you step back for a moment while you ponder these words below.  Just think about them.

Do you find when it is suggested to you by loved ones, friends or even your doctor to relax, to take a deep breath that you panic at the thought? All that needs to be done suddenly comes flooding over you in the form of “To Do Lists.” Just like the dozens of generations before us we are also “To Do Lists” creators. We seem to have to be always in the process of accomplishing something. To NOT have such momentum leads us immediately in to thinking that something is wrong.  Thinking at the very least we are being lazy. To find ourselves with time on our hands or worse yet to we find ourselves wandering and meandering all the while filling moments up with “Nothing At All’s.”  This fills us with dreaded anxiety.

For the state of “Doing Nothing At All” feels like it is on the outer edge of life’s norms. It’s a luxury. It’s the impossible dream we talk about one day doing. In reality though we just cannot bring ourselves to give permission for this. It goes against everything our parents and theirs before them taught us.

That’s some of the shame I have personally discovered.

In the days of future’s past we indeed dare not have one idle moment or we were likely to either not eat, be eaten, or possibly die. But with today’s modern stresses just the opposite is so.  If we do not learn to slow down, to “whoa it up”  if you like, we are going to die much too early anyway. Still  we as a species fight what science has been telling us. We are too proud.

The shame in this I think is that we do not know anymore how to play. To relax; to have free time to be child like.

Know how to procrastinate with intentional purpose. Procrastinate and Be Proud of it

 This is too simple a concept to want to accept. I know.

I have been working on finding ways to stay mindful that there is something more to life than I have been putting forth and that it’s my choice whether or not I live a peaceful and content life, not just an existence. Peaceful and content,  Or not. If not my choice than whose?

In a mind over matter kind of way I have in the course of my latest excavation of My Self been finding relics of wisdom that help me stay mindful of the big picture. For me again this is a sense of self peace and contentment. I know I am not alone on this journey and I am not alone is trying to discover the tools that best excavate or dig up the best resources and ideas.

I think of our days as journeys in our life which I believe is what’s it’s all about, not the destination. Like a lazy river we tend to meander and to get side tracked much like that river does. We wander through much of life distracted and not mindful of the moments. We create under currents, whirl pools, and even now & then a few little streams of new adventures, We are like waterfalls, thirsting for the knowledge in the pools that reflect like mirrors that form on the surface. All so very much just like the natural course that a river takes on its journey. We don’t question the rivers meandering, we accept it a part of Mother Nature. Why do we fight our own nature?

Instead of accepting these gentle obstacles as part of the natural course of our own life, we fight it. We punish ourselves for even having those “procrastinating” meandering thoughts. We flood our psyches with ever ancient self chatter about how doing anything that might remotely appear to be “goofing-off” is something to run from. We absolutely feel a sense of shame if we relent and wander. But we are compelled to. Its part of our nature. We fight this “Art of Doing Nothing At All” Doing Anything At All is not what we brag about. It’s not what we mention when someone says, “So what have you been up to?”

And if we do actually accept & allow ourselves the natural inevitable flow of time with a meander and doing nothing at all for a moment in that time we then rush about later thinking we certainly made a big blunder of a choice. We find ourselves feeling the need to make up for that “lost” time. Then begins the verbal dressing down with our self. The guilt sets in.

When a river finds itself in front of itself an obstruction from its dalliance of journey it invariably takes a meander in around about path to navigate the obstacle or distraction. Gently trickling by in its own time. It accepts the obstacle as an opportunity to create a new stream. In its slow wandering ways it takes its own sweet time. The meandering takes the river to places it had not been. maybe even creating new streams.The river still has its work – its purpose in life then becomes the meanderings in response to the obstacles. This may have even served great purpose in that the forest floor is nourished from the under water springs the river discovered in its wandering.

Dong Nothing At All can bring upon our own under ground springs I have discovered. Doing really “Nothing At All” can bring its own rewards. We could be mindlessly coursing through our day and stop at an item on our To Do List such as to dust furniture. Simple mindless work that someone has to do, yet it is one of my pet peeves. Instead of getting from point A to B and getting on with dusting I come to this same table every week where there is a basket of newspapers and magazines waiting beside it to be recycled. It will be fine I told myself, 5 minutes tops. Like I do every time. So I began sorting and stacking the newspapers & magazines. I had music on…..  But then……I lose track of time.. I start to meander. I begin to wander. I am like a vagabond on a journey through typed words. My kind of heaven. My obstacle every time are these newspapers & magazines. I love to open the pages (again) and search for what I probably missed. I look for what kind of prompts I find to write about, to maybe discuss. I do it almost every time I dust that table where the basket is that they collect. Forty-Five minutes later I am finally leafing through the last week old newspaper. I am almost done.

And then……

I kick myself for the time lost,  for the idle procrastination of it all. 45 minutes out the window with nothing to show for my time. I can hear my mother now.” Really? This is how you are using your time management skills?” My mama’s voice in my head. Then the self-retribution starts. Suddenly I immediately forfeit the joy of what I had been doing because I was raised to believe this is wrong, this is lazy. This is procrastinating. I am wasting time. Precious time I have been taught to not squander. For me my meanderings may take me through an obstacle throughout my daily journey. The recycling has been an an obstacle for me for years. Something I have spun my wheels over time and again.

But change my ways? Oh No. Give up that precious meander? Huh-uh.

 I had no clue this was what I was doing. I was letting Mother Nature take her course through and with me. We are just like nature in so many ways. How could we not be when like this earth which is 70% water is also the same as the bodies we live in. I caught myself this time in the midst of my wandering through old news print. While my intent has been to dust furniture, I wander to the newspaper basket every time. Do I really expect a different outcome? Do I really want one?

This was my epiphany.

Maybe all my procrastination is not an idle waste of time. Maybe there is a message of internal peace of mind and contentment mixed up in there. I am thinking that like the river who meanders in all directions as Mother Nature takes her course;  maybe so it is with my meandering self as well.

Before I gather up and re-fold old newspaper pages I sit back in a typical meditative position and just think about this a moment. I begin asking myself why do I do this every time I dust this table? There has to be something in it that is feeding me. I must be getting something out it. Why else would I keep beating my head against this dusty table’s edge and keep repeating my actions?

Then I saw it! 

As I sat there just staring at the mess I had created right smack in the middle of all that newsprint was the large bold type faced print: ” STOP PROCRASTINATING NOW!” Seriously?

The Universe alone knows what it was referring to because no sooner had I read this before my mind was off at the block running wild and free with this very post topic. What I had been doing was meandering and wandering once again through pages I had read once before; when all of a sudden this thought that procrastination and meandering were the same things came flooding over me. Its a peaceful thing this meandering.

Two things this experience taught me.

1. Ideas come in the strangest forms and from strange mediums if you only have your eyes and heart open,

2.) That I can find value in procrastination. This is what fed me every time I stopped to sort newspapers and magazine. Some meandering time. Simply put thiss is what I get out of it and why I continue.

Too simple isn’t it?

Knowing that in order for me to be of any value to others I have to value myself first. To those who may have not figured this out yet I understand. I am just seeing it myself. It has taken me a long time to see the truth in this. We work on our relationships with those we love trying to enhance them. So why do we stop with our selves?  Why do we not work on the relationship with our self first?

We need to focus on our own hearts, our own peace, at our own pace….some of the time.

At least once a week let’s be the first person we think of when we wake in the morning. Be it the power walk you keep promising yourself, or perhaps another opportunity knocking on your door for some meandering. Or the juicy novel you have been saving for a rainy day. Possibly it even could be looking at your own reflection and affirming one positive attribute about yourself; an honest one that is meaningful.

Peace of mind can be an exotic endangered species like the exotic wild flower the Trillium from the forest floors. It is not something to ever take for granted. If you remove (pick) the Trillium from its forest floor it does not grow back; as an endangered the species will die off. I have discovered peace of mind & heart as well as feeling content are choices I can make. And one of the simplest ways I can help bring this to my life is a good old fashion meander & wander.

Lest you worry about not burning any calories while meandering you’ll be missing the point but know that it takes as much energy to resist being productive as it does to work out at the gym for an hour. ( Honest. I believe everything I read, so should you.. ha! )

So whistle yourself a lovely tune, and put away your “To Do Lists”. Take a meander of your own right.

You deserve it Friends.




A Most Inspiring (award) Moment – You Are My Hero!

Today in my reader I am gingerly responding to charming and lovely comments from my followers and those  follow. A typical Monday morning for the Baroness. Luxury comes in many forms, one of them is reading what others are feeling about what you write, while the mirrored version of this is also being gifted with being able to read their thoughts and feelings on a myriad of topics from their blogs.

And then I open a particular alert for a comment on my post titled The Spoon Theory. I was not ready to be set back in my chair, with tears springing forth so fast I could not stop them if I had tried.

The comment that I found so emotional held an award for myself. But I believe the real message has little to do with me, or an award for me. Only the woman gifting me this would not see this. She is far too humble. and so very generous.

I’d like to take this award, this gift, of the Very Inspiring Award I just received and use it differently. Instead of passing more awards on to you my readers and followers ,I would like instead introduce you to one of my most treasured heroes.

2013 from Tersia

I want to honor the person who gifted this award to me. Tersia from her beautiful heart-broken blog TersiaBurger@ http://tersiaburger.com/

I thought at first this award I was going to accept in honor of her beloved daughter Vic, who lost her long battle with life this past winter.  Although it is true this is about her beautiful baby girl who blessed with her so much,  most of all her two fine grandsons who carry her daughters torch along with Tersia.

However  this feeling of being so overwhelmingly humbled by this award has so much to do with how Tersia is surviving. Yes, she is surviving and from her blog writing its obvious that she is working really hard to allow herself the gift to grieve for her precious daughter in her own way. As is right. As is just. ( Don’t let anyone else tell you how its done Tersia)

I want to celebrate Vic;s life here indeed,  I also want to honor her mothers generous soul. I can honestly say without exaggerating that I know not another like Tersia, who is a genuine & authentic woman whose soul is one I am easily able to relate to.  Both her heart and her soul.

I had the gracious gift of meeting Tersia & her beautiful Vic this last year through her writing on her blog. Chronic pain was the initial connection but it grew so quickly into something different.  I  was stunned by her raw honesty in how the most life altering of events of our world was unfolding in front of Tersia’s eyes and she has the goodness & unselfish thoughts to share with us. I know too it was also the cathartic process that she was writing firstly for.

In all honesty there was a time during Vic’s last days I had to stop reading Tersia’s blog. I was not being supportive as I would have liked to seen myself, but again Tersia knew this is part of that life cycle. She still accepted my friendship how it came. I love her for this.  I had long since stopped clicking “like” on her posts even though I love everything she wrote. I just could not click  “like” to a post that described the fact that her adult child was breaking vertebrae in her back from such violent vomiting. I just could not even think about clicking like although I might comment. I thought as a chronic pain patient myself I knew about chronic pain… I knew nothing. I mentioned both to Tersia because though I really am no one in the scheme of her life I still could not bear the thought she would feel someone had anyone had left her side during this time. She was losing her daughter, wasn’t that already too much?

Tersia as my hero for so many reasons. The tears are filling my eyes as today before I write this I read again Tersia’s posts about Vic’s last moments with her mum.

The fact is that in my country and my culture death is still seen as something to hide away from. I am not sure what your culture is like in this respect. I want you all to know neither Tersia and more importantly Vic did not hide Vic’s dying away from anyone. This is the most unselfish act I have ever witnessed. And that my friends is the gift of a lifetime. We share so much with one another about living life, yet when the most significant time in our lives is upon us we have no clue. No one shares because it is so painful. I get it. Yet when it is shared so openly as Tersia and Vic had done it’s a gift to be treasure and one day I will rely upon this gift for guidance.

But painful as it naturally it still is Tersia shares, and she does so with no regard to the possible negatives it can have on her own life because there are people who believe this is still a very private time. And I am not saying it’s not private, only that its nothing to hide. And Tersia proudly knows this.

There was never any loss of respect and dignity for Vic in Tersia’s sharing, instead just the opposite I believe from my distant stance.  Vic’s life being celebrated while she was alive, the things people felt about Vic were being shared lovingly with her and with her family. This feels like such a treasured time I can only imagine. I wish we had known this when my mother was dying.

There are so many reasons even as merely a blogging acquaintance I realize the cost this has taken on Tersia, yet its her convicted belief this was the right thing to do. So in case any of you are wondering….Yes! Tersia had Vic’s blessings to write whatever she needed. Vic knew of her mum’s blog, often Tersia would share comments with her but maybe not  the actual posts.

Tersia is my hero. I am in awe of her and humbled by her. I am also so completely enriched by all that she has taught me about loving, living, and dying. These gifts she brings and gives unknowingly what she is doing. She takes a life altering heart-break and turns into something that by her actions is filled such goodness I am still blown away by her generous honesty today.

So today with this award let me accept in honor of Tersia’s & her Beloved Vic.

Let me share with you these two most remarkable women’s struggles with living, and with dying.

Today let this award post be about honoring this very special daughter & mother I am so blessed to have the privilege of being part of my blogging world.

Today let Tersia Burger be my hero.

{ Dearest Tersia;  Simply now…Thank you for this award. The treasured moments & people you have taught me to be aware of are held fast and tight in this baroness’s heart.   You are truly one of them.

This music is because I know there are times you just need to be alone …… maybe this music might strike a chord and bring you some sense of peacefulness, even if just for a brief moment.

Please give yourself a little of Tersia’s gifts.. you’ll never be the same. http://tersiaburger.com/

Signature 2013

Intentional Fundamentals

Recently I have been writing a lot about being mindful of gratitude. I write, document, and archive what my self-reflections have blessed me with. I record these thoughts so when I am in doubt that this pat is my direct course to peace, balance and feeling grounded. Living with intentional fundamentals is a choice I am making. One that I can lives with.

It has been a fabulously interesting lesson of life, with my results feeling like I am a child quieting and calming myself after a tantrum, I blink back the tears of gratitude, and I began seeing the world through new eyes.

This was an awakening for me. It has caused me to be quite engulfed with emotions. Learning to risk again, and trusting to know that what I am feeling is relevant and is credible..

Things I second guessed about in life became quite clear. In the clarity of these reflections came about my life lessons, when I adhere to this manifesto to living my life with intentional fundamentals the things I found to be true are awakened in my soul, and my heart is set free to love, to live, to feel Peace in all that I do, And all that I am.

This is what I now know:

Intentional fundamentals. I do not own these fundamentals, I did not create them. But I do believe once my eyes were open wide that it became as important to share what I have discovered for myself as it is to live these with great intentions.

• Be present in the moment. I Have touched on this, but let say that I believe this is our responsibility, to decide to be so. Be intentional. Savor positive outcomes AND if the outcomes is not what you are looking for make appropriate changes. Make a different choice if the out come is negative. Learn from what you have just experienced. Also I recalled something my mother use to tell me If in doubt just react, make some decision, doing nothing is indeed even a decision we make. I shall no longer be a victim to the negatives in life.

Happiness never last forever. And the sooner this is realized the better for all involved. Not one thing in life can maintain intensity forever. Life is good, life is bad. Ying Yang for living. We would do well to remember it is NOT the outcome, but the process that matters

• Evaluate what your morals, values and scruples are. Good or Bad we choose them. What are your life’s most prized possession’s? Success? Wealth? Tangibles? Intangibles? Things or people?

• Feelings about life are not who we are. (unless we choose to let them rule our lives ) They should not have to make us who we are.(of course unless we make the choice to be) We can intentionally choose to “let go” of negative feelings. (anger, hurt, sadness, etc….) a traumatic life history, a frustrating present predicament…..are examples. Failing in the past to react accordingly and appropriate should not influence any current or future decisions you make. Opportunities missed are choices made.

• Habits help us create our character and the way we view each other and the world. Behaviors from childhood that were taught to us by our parents , siblings, and acquaintances are what we base our formed habits from. We began deciding early on whether we would continue the learned behavior, or make the changes that best suit our personal wants and needs. This forms who we are; our personalities if you will. Habits help the way we are identified  (by others) and by who we choose to keep company with. We choose to rise above, to shine things on, follow the crowd, or wallow in our despair. Positivity and positive habits enable us to find the positive life experiences in our journeys

• Delivered to Self-Acceptance. A gift you give o yourself. Measure who you are by your willingness to learn from being challenged, by your ability to make changes, and the strength in your character (your spirit) to never give up.

Be happy in your own skin, and accept the differences in others.

 Signature 2013

Wives Bare Skin for Soldiers

This was not the post I had planned. Yet I saw a trailer for this that a friend sent me and once I saw this I knew it trumped the award post I have waiting in my drafts. You will understand why. 

Military wives bare skin, souls, to

fight PTSD

By HLNtv.com Staff
updated 7:15 AM EDT, Fri October 05, 2012

  • Battling Bare facebook page gives military wives and families a unique way to battle the stigma of post traumatic stress disorder

Broken by battle Wounded by war
My love is forever To you this I swore
I will quiet your silent screams Help heal your shattered soul
Until once again my love You are whole

Ashley Wise become desperate trying to find help on base for her husband who was suffering with PTSD.  “I felt like streaking on the general’s lawn,” she tells Julie Bruck of HLN affiliate WSMV, “because maybe then a naked woman would get attention.”

Instead she started a photo campaign, taking a photo of herself with the pledge you see above written on her naked back and posting it online.  Now over 26,000 people have liked the Battling Bare facebook page, and new images like the one Ashley took are being submitted every day.

Wise said her mission is to ensure, “that the stigma of PTSD goes away, and people talk about it.  In talking there’s healing.”

To learn about submitting a picture of your own to Battling Bare visit: facebook.com/BattlingBare

Music Credit:
Born To Be Wasted provided by the band 009 Sound System

Full Version here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETe6cnv-a50