Tag Archive | feelings

Some Kind Of Wish ~ Something More

I’ve been pondering some about the idea behind Christmas Wish Lists lately. It’s that time of year after all.

Are they a tradition in your family? Your inner circle, your tribe? I’d really like to share with me if you do Wish Lists and what’s on your list.

I’ve been wondering what a woman of my era who really does not need or want a thing in this world; and who despite having a tendency for an occasional bout of melancholy am basically happy. What do I put on my wish list this year? Because typically in my immediate family there is no getting around not providing a wish list to each other. So what does a woman who has it all ask for?

A personal wish?

I could ask for better health, for some magic elf to find the solution to the chronic pain & fatigue which has enveloped my life at times. No always, but most certainly at times. I could wish for better things for my children and grand children because God and their parents know how much they could use the help.

But this year my wish list is being a bit more earthy. A bit more along the philosophical kind. And I don’t mind. I’m not even ashamed. No guilt trip to be ridden.

This year I am putting one thing and one thing alone on my Wish List.

The one thing I am listing and wishing for maybe Santa alone can deliver. I believe. Not just this year,I am a woman who believes in the magic of Old Saint Nicolas. Or Santa Claus to some.

♪♫♪ My only wish for Christmas this year. ♪♫♪

” What difference [does] it make if the thing [I‘m] scared of is real or not?” ~ Toni Morrison”

I have but one wish this Christmas. It may be a difficult thing to find, but I am wishing anyway.

My wish is to finally find comfort in who I am. To no longer have the fear that one day the real “ugly” authentic me will be unveiled. My wish is to put away all childish things, including such self-doubt after all these years.

The fear that the niceness of which I have always strived to express will one day burn out and the new light will shine on the true honesty of my feelings. No more cover-ups of niceties just to save face. Really. Meet head on the more unkind feelings I may own.

In no way do I mean or intend this to be about pity, pouty, or even self-serving. Not in any way. Just the facts.

The fear that I’m really not good enough, smart enough, likeable enough, healthy enough, pain-free enough,….blah, blah, blah… leaves me with still feeling the need of being the nice guy. So much to make up for, don’t you know.

God forbid someone see me being angry, hurt, or feeling lost even amongst a crowd. The finality of all of my authentic self who has been afraid to come clean about what I really may be feeling is frightening enough that putting a fake smile on my lips has become habit. Becomes who people see.

I am frightened that if I let that cat out of the bag there will be insult, offense. That if a true emotion is expressed it may hurt or offend, and there for be a justified reason to turn away. Even without intent on my part I discover I am afraid to show what is real for fear of abandonment of any kind. Doesn’t matter in what way, a perceived slight could make me ponder for days. I know where this comes from but it makes little difference in how I address this fear.

If I am not all those things, pretty, smart, always kind, healthy, pain-free, wear a smile not a frown, NICE, if I am not all those things and more how can I possibly be liked, let alone loved? If I keep up the front no one leaves, no love is pulled, I am truly loved at last. Right?

The question that wisdom still fails to answer for me is why is my spiritual faith not enough to heal the scar that has left a life long fear? I am never worried or fearful of God abandoning me. This may be the one perfect pure thing I know and trust. This I know. Yet it’s disturbing my authentic soul that I’m still almost waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I realize now that the quiet buzz of anxiety is about this old childhood fear. Or is it a childhood fear alone?

This is the wish I have this Christmas, Dear St Nick: This my biggest fear. And even though I am wiser than I know, I am still unable to get over this one. That love/people can be pulled away in an instant if you’re just not good enough is teen angst, and I am far from being a teen. It’s been far time to give up this childish fear.

Yet it thrives, this fear.

Despite for instance; having my soul mate as my life partner and spouse for over 40 years I still live with the fear that one day he’ll get fed up with the REAL me and just bolt. One would think that after 4 decades there would be a sense of trust developed between the two.

And This has nothing to do with him or his actions. He’s the most kind loving man any woman could pray for.

There is, and always has been trust on every level but this deep authentic layer of myself that I am still trying to excavate from the ruins of my past. This is my stuff, my unhealthy issue. The frightening worry that after having to cope with a partner in life whose been chronically ill for more years than we’ve been married is one day he’ll just burn out. This is my demon from long ago and it still screams at me in the dark.

Yet he faithfully and devoutly puts up with me and all I encompass.

Knowing that I am a women of substance and abundance; and believing that I need to get past this to a point where I am able to finally accept the passionate woman I am, this is my wish this Christmas.

To get past this, to give it up once and for all-knowing all along it’s been nothing but my own negative tapes playing from long ago. Without shame or embarrassment, and with trust with no doubts that I am the woman God intends me to be. To live my life with intention and faith in all things good, even me.

The smile I’m wearing today is one that I wear with simple honesty and transparency, just as I wear a face of sadness on days that I may feel low or in more pain than I can hide. This is me.

With warning I can say that who I am, who I have grown to become is someone who should maybe come with a kind of disclaimer:

Possibly a road sign:

“ REAL FEELINGS AT WORK HERE! “

~ ENTER AT YOUR RISK~

My wish is to just be me. To not fake smiles, or accept hurtful unkindness from others like it’s my place to be dumped on. As if it’s purposeful to take it with a smile. To be the kind and loving woman I am without having to pretend is my wish.

My wish and hope this Christmas is I get into my own skin, like it there just as it is. And wear it proudly. No need to make changes just so others always see the sweet kind Baroness. It’s time to put away the childish ways with fake smiles, and bring out the authentic grins that come from the more truer me.

To trust myself enough to stop being so damn nice to others just because I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. This is what I wish for this Christmas. The gift of the Authentic Me~

So when I’m smiling you’ll know it’s real, it’s honest. The smile is meant for you because you touched me in a way that creates honest laughter and joy within my heart.

Inspires a smile so real, and so from my heart.

 

{Random thoughts spoke out loud become purposeful dreams and aspirations on a sleepless night.}

©tjhelser