Tag Archive | emotional intelligence

You Can’t Direct The Wind But You Can Direct Your Sails

I have been spending quite a bit of my attention lately on focusing & reflecting on human relationships; This has brought me a realization that we as humans attract what our souls need during particular times in our lives, I know it’s not an original thought on my part, it just struck me recently that even those interactions that I see now as toxic still brought lessons I needed desperately to learn. I’ll not see this as regrets.

That someone you are with at any given time is bringing to your spirit just what it is you need to learn from that particular interaction,That someone will bring out in you those life lessons necessary to find your own truths and authenticity. 

Depending on the level
of intimacy (directing your own tailwinds) will dictate how vulnerable you will allow yourself to be with another .And frankly with yourself. But if we remember that everything we see in another is exactly what we are needing to see in ourselves it might allow us more emotional investment’s.
Mirroring those vulnerabilities with kindness toward not just others but just as importantly towards “Self” helps to get connected in ways that will feed our spirit. And in turn we help feed others.

If we can look upon our relationships with this in mind it can become a natural flow to then find a true kindness towards our self and towards others. Kindness that may very well be the remedy for so much in our own small world of worlds. It merely needs to start within and for ourselves.
Before we convince ourselves that there is nothing a given interaction can bring to our lives we might want to stop, reflect, & examine. Being mindful that which we see in another is just what we need to see in ourselves equates to Life Lessons.
No judgements.
No blame.
Just is.
Past and current relationships in my life have become life lessons intertwined with those interactions. During times when I couldn’t see the light at the end of ANY tunnel it has become my saving grace knowing that I am able to see the light shine with the much-needed warmth from someone else.
In someone else I find the lessons reflected in what I need to know to live more authentically.
 I didn’t always have the grace to direct my sails towards a rocky harbor.  
When presented with a behavior (rocky harbor) or a way of thinking by another that feels conflicted within my own scruples I balked. I judged. I certainly was not feeling abundant unconditional love & kindness.
Now with more emotional intelligence I know this is mirroring hat which I still must still learn. 
Learning to live with abundant love for others and for our selves is a kindness we are all worthy of finding, and though we may tend to think of being kind to our selves as something akin to being self-centered… it’s truly not.
Through the interactions with relationships in our life we can learn the fine arts of unconditional love, forgiveness, and the kindness of acceptance. Even the negatives we find in relationships can bring the positives if we see them as life lessons.
Trust me, I am not suggesting abusive behavior, intolerance, and judgement of others are that of which we should ever accept. I definitely do not advocate for staying in any relationship that is harmful to you physically, emotionally and/or spiritually. I do though know from personal experience that even in this type of relationship there was a great value in the lessons about myself I learned. I choose now to see it as such, rather than hold on to the resentment & anger that only starves my spirit.
Like the four key points o a compass these four key points will help direct your emotional sails
Unconditional Love.
Unconditional Forgiveness.
Unconditional Kindness.
Unconditional Acceptance.
There is an authentic grace knowing the great wisdom of practicing these four directions. Others will see the light in our faces when we are loving in these directions without any conditions,
If we can know this and trust this it helps release the light inside of any personal entanglement;;illuminating the shadows. It can take us to wonderful heights, the ups and downs of navigating any relationship. It just might become apparent that these ups and downs can bring us clarity & strength.
These ups and downs help us to remain grounded and balanced.
We might ask ourselves; what it is that our soul is longing to discover from each person who comes into our lives? It can bring into focus that it really is all about love being the mainstay that feeds what our souls need. To not be so leery or too cautious of what these interactions will bring us leaves our hearts and our minds open.
Embracing the shining lights we may see ins eyes of others, being open to what messages they hold allows our hearts be open, and we feel more approachable to the person we are connecting with. There is always wisdom for our spirits within each other  and the beauty of this is we need no special tools or training to receive and accept these. The things we see in another are maybe the most important things we can pay attention to. The kinds of things that touch our hearts if we just tap in. This very well can bring us that sense of being complete, and allows us to surround our lives with the presence of unconditional love with a genuine authenticity
My life lessons now includes this big paradox about the relationships in my life, that they in fact depend very much on the relationship I have with myself. These relationships that are so significant for me are mirrors of myself, they reflect not only how I am seen by others., but how I see myself.  And that’s pretty cool.
There is always a choice which path to take in our journey so that which our spirit is searching for our authentic self will lead us to.  As if by instincts, if we quiet ourselves, and open our heart every time we feel lost, If we listen, if we engage with others they can bring to our spirits love & life lessons that shape who we are..
If we share openly with those who we surround our small worlds we create deep spiritual connections.
Connections with the human spirit bringing us ever closer to living a life of authenticity, we will find that in knowing our self so intimately that we can become the master of our own destiny.




Signature 2013


60,000 Choice Thoughts

We think up about 60,000 thoughts in a day. How vital it is that we make choices about our thinking.
Sound a bit too clinical for LBB? 
Maybe think About this: 
How important it is that we not think up 60,000 negative thoughts, or even 59,000. It is imperative that we not harbor cynical and negative thoughts. our brain has approximately 100 billion cells, and each is connected to about 20,000 other cells.  What this means is our thinking has the possibilities of billions, maybe trillions of various thoughts.
We have the freedom of choice
 Maybe we could begin anew if our thoughts of late have run into the fields of negativity.
My thoughts seem to revolve around my emotional intelligence lately, and sometimes the painful lessons my intelligence runs a foul with in that field of life.
With infinite combinations of brain cells to choose from why not try a whole new combination today?

While taking a self inventory you might find that what brought you to be the person you are today are the many painful, heart-crushing moments in our life that leave you winded. It might be a knee jerk reaction to run from those painful moments as fast as you can; thinking its the safest route.
Life just smacked you a good one and to stay in that moment and feel it.. is… well.. .painful.  Yes.
Life is painful, it is not that we are bad people having bad things happen to us.
It is that L.I.F.E. has to have pain in order to honor the joy.
Yes,  the yin & the yang. The negative and the positive.
Looking back on our thinking; without explanation, without apologizing, we can own the painful moments created along our journeys.
Painful moments exist. Life can hurt. But, remember we have been here before, we felt this before. We know we survived it. (though maybe it felt all to consuming at the moment)
There is that space in time again; The moment.  A friend shared that his bitter moments are balanced with his sweet, I love his thinking.
Without the bitter than can not possibly be the sweet. The positive needs the negative for their to be a true & concise connection.
There must be some truth to the adage “No Pan No Gain”.
Maybe it is how we evolve.
Life can hurt. A lot sometimes.
– The bitter.
Thankfully those painful moments come with built-in lessons.
 -The sweet.
For me quite often it is not until later that I realize there is a lesson, a sweetness garnered from the bitter moment.
Finally I see it.  Finally I feel it.
Feeling painful moments are good reminders for me to breathe deeply, and slowly; Inhaling the moment that came with its pain smack right in the middle of my living to bring & teach me some necessary growth.

Growth can come from places never even realized. Growth can come from places that we thought were not available to us, places we thought were dead & barren. Places of great disappointments.
Growth happens when we realize that it is not what happens in our lives that long stays with us, but it is t how we happen choose to respond to the happenings.
This is why it is called happiness.
Freedom to choose to see the sweet, balanced by the bitter.  (Thank you Groovy)
 I know for certain that I make the choice to hang on to hope, that what has ‘happened’ has happened for good reason.
Life it seems is much like a beautiful piece of embroidered cloth. The first half the embroidery is worked from the “wrong side’ of the fabric, stitching out the branches that will hold the blossoms, that bring the fruit.
The second half of life is the ‘right side’ of the fabric with its rich texture of all those pain-taken stitches.
Life’s lessons, even the painful ones, are much like how certain people are brought into our lives for a certain reasons.
I have a wooden plaque that sits in a prominent place in my home given to me my bestie in 2010 that I cherish to this day. It is also a reminder for me about the lessons that come into our lives.
It says:
” Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for awhile and leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”    (thank you DCD) 

Fall Changes 2012 (6WS)

Sail Away ~ original by Enya

This music is very different from the norm that I have done here before. Although it is true that I am very much Irish; that the Celtic Woman sing the sounds I knew of as my maternal great grandparents Folk music  and is very meaningful to me,  this is not one of those songs. Its much more pop like I’d say, but I love it just the same. The tempo moves my spirit and even more so the lyrics move my heart.

Note to All Music Fans,  I am making Fall changes or another kind.  All the music play list choices I have been posting here (unless specific to a particular narrative  post ) will now be posted at; Cyckopps, Rides Again.
You can find us at: http://geetoni.wordpress.com/
My  hope  s that you will follow on over there, click follow, and continue being moved in some way by the music & the stories. If you have something to share and or suggest please feel welcome to do so.  ~ Thank you.

FALL CHANGES 2012 & My 6 Word Saturday

Sail Away~ Changes In The Wind

Seems I have been noticing a lot of things I have  tended to take for granted lately, and with great joy in my heart these are some of some of the things that have had most of my attention recently. It’s where I have been. Some things taken for granted are now appreciated again… some thing my eyes had  never seen before or my heart-felt… are intense feelings today.

While the leaves of the trees are changing colors and falling off the branches of their trees this Fall of 2012 – so it is that I am living some changes in the branches of my own life.. Some brand new;  and some long in coming.

This most recent change has kept me a whole lot self consumed this last week, feeling like finally a goal of some sort is being reached.  Other things I am passionate and love ..some have taken a back seat and appropriately so., while others I am living loudly and proudly. Without meaning to be cryptic suffice it to say that for the purpose of this post the actual changes are not so important. (they are of course of a very personal nature) It’s the premise behind what I am speaking of that is important for this post. It’s in finding the Autumn changes of life that I am referring to. The authentic truths of yourself.

Life changes like the seasons our life, reaching points where its time for self-reflection and time to consider yourself for maybe the first time ever. To be true to yourself is a lot easier said than done, this is a process I have also discovered.

I am not referring to feeling selfish because you buy something frivolous and it feels selfish. I am not talking about confessing what you think you have done to wrong someone. I don’t mean pampering yourself, although you certainly should.  What I specifically mean and I am talking about is being true to thine self in all ways.

I wonder how many of us live as  authentically as we could.

I  know I was not ~ to be certain..

This is my point ,or my theory if you will. I am not certain if it takes reaching a chronological age to have the courage to finally live the truth for yourself and to find your most authentic path in life, or if it’s an emotional intelligence thing.  I frankly don’t care which it is, I am grateful that I just get it now.

My life changes all revolve around being honest, truthful and authentic with myself. Old dreams that were stuffed away for all the wrong reasons are being let loose again, and allowed to live. Aspects of myself I stifled for one reason or another which let me give myself permission to pretend they no longer mattered – once again  are being nurtured and encouraged.

On clouds of hopes and dreams that are my own and belong to my hear & spirit which has not given in, or given up…..Those days are gone,  much like the brightly Fall leaves that gently or wildly fall off the branches of the trees. 

Instead I watch as my authentic spirit with all my truths sails away on the tails of all my hopes and dream.

I really do love this time of my life….


Unspent Anger


So what do you do with it? That kind anger that rolls around inside your heart giving you great reason to give pause. The kind that then causes me to ask if I am such a nice person, how can I hold anger in my heart for someone and still claim to be of goodness? I know the spiritual answer, Have That Down Pat. Don’t I?  It’s the emotional baggage that is a residual effect of unspent anger that I find I question.

Spending anger usually feels pretty good.  Awe,,, now come on… admit it. Even if it is just in the moment of the storm, isn’t that so sweet?  I have been known to enjoy a few “spout offs” as my grandmother would say. And don’t you know ladies; we as women folk should not get mad, angry or other wise upset. WE just should not, and definitely not in mixed company, God forbid. I say this tongue in cheek but; because I think it is a part of the background in many women’s cases that are near me generationally it has a valid point. (I’m sure that is not a legal word but I so like it)

Spent anger is a great release, it rids your body of the pent-up adrenalin just like that, it’s gone! Leaving instead the type of hangover relative to  that particular angst.

I’m curious what others do though. When you have reached a point in life where you have taught yourself not to engage and for the most part, this works really well. It helps to keep the limited contact you must have doable. Most of the time.

But when there are rare occurrences  how do you cope? what do you do?

I could get all caught up in the whys of being angry and start placing blame.Building more miserable history. I’d rather not though. I see it as a complete waste of energy which I could other wise direct back into the matter of living my life. But doing this and ridding myself of unspent anger are two completely different things. I refuse also to have to carry this anger around. It’s mine, I own it. Why not with do with it what I want?

I know it’s just a matter of finding a healthy way of releasing these emotions caused by my feelings that are involved. I have the Emotional Intelligence to work it out if I only give myself a chance. No knee jerk reactions need apply.

My release is words for sure, but not at someone, or about someone. The words that work for me are about feelings. This.

I put on some great music which today does not require having to change vinyl albums, flip them, or being called to the turn table over and over so I can listen to the great music of my life. I had no clue  however about the love affair I would soon be  having with YouTube…… Fabulous!! { A smiling shout-out to my maestro for this }

My way of dispensing that Unspent Anger in a healthy way has become more refined as I travel my journey in this universe. Today I load a play list on my laptop, not another thought is needed for the music. I usually turn it up loud for this purpose so I can feel the music tear into my soul. I bring up a fresh word page, blank space to fill with all that Unspent Anger. A perfect combination.

Rarely do these  written pieces go anywhere.. they are anything from hurt feelings to all out rage. Typically these pieces will be trashed after serving their purpose. Thankfully my blank white space can take it the abuse I throw at it. And it does not respond in like so getting IT ALL OUT is a sure thing. I am ever grateful for that.

I will listen to a song that really moves me, touches my soul deeply just as this Rascal Flatts tune above did for me today. I sing it loud and bold in a room with the best acoustics in the house, and I harmonize the anger away. I cannot tell you what song, most work any time, Some will speak louder to me on one day than the next. Mood is everything with music. And like magic music eases anger out of me just as if I was being played. Easing the words into a more mellow cadence.. my typing slows down….until finally… the words have spent the anger right on out of me. I must admit it is a marvelous technique that has taken me years to hone. And all along the journey has been amazing music.

Now it is your turn. Tell me how you deal with Unspent Anger. Or are you one of those brilliant people who can speak about their fury at the time of? I’m in admiration of you. I am unable to do so and consequently my hissy fits occasionally seem in the end to bite back.  So I will continue on singing and writing.

I’d love for you to share. Tag you  are it!

What is that you do with Unspent Anger? How do you tame it?

This Inquiring Baroness wants to know.


Identity, Identify & Beyond

{ Originally posted on Barefoot Baroness February 10, 2011 Re=posting eher at fullCircledMe  so all  health posts on one blog. }


I was reading another blog, a very different kind of blog than I have been accustomed to coming across.  one of his posts got my mind a buzzing “My glamorous, More Interesting Clinical Identity”

This post  stayed with me even once I had moved onto other things. I could not shake the thoughts that were flooding my own mind and connecting with that he spoke of.  For days, and now into a few weeks I have not been able to shake the thoughts this post provoked. But in different way.

Before I continue any further let me give you my point of reference‘s link:


This incredible anecdotal clinical session brings to the fore front of my own mind that although my circumstances are different ( are not they all?) I am different from his client that he speaks of here. But I get it. I see it. Give some people a way to define themselves when they have discovered little else about themselves and a new creature is born.
Albeit Dr Micheal’s post refers to Mental Illness  in this case I still get it. I am relating his post to physical illnesses. I think the two can mirror one another so for me I am allowing this article speak to me in this way.  Body & mind. So I could not shake what I’d read. It stayed with me even long after closing the lid to my laptop. As I said weeks later its still with me.

Having been (and currently still am) a member of the Doctor’s Appointment Club for the vast part of 28 years and participating in support groups of many forms naturally I come across others who like me live with a chronic illness. I hear them talk amongst themselves, including this lady with hair to her hips,  and skirts to her bare feet. While the book is in front of me open to page ?? my mind wanders as I listen to their vivid descriptions of themselves in this doctor‘s waiting lobby. Descriptions of their pain, their fatigue,  their husband and families, theirs UN-acceptance of the intrusion in their lives, their whatsoever…. I wondered if this the only way they see themselves.
Maybe I should not hide it  from others when I am in severe pain, maybe when my symptoms are up to no good I should be sharing this with all to hear.  Allowing myself to be part of my outside social circle when I hurt so much concentrating and focusing on a conversation is not possible. Hmmmm??… I think not. I think that I am far more “Emotionally Intelligent“. And I know that I am much more than an illness that has invaded my body. Uninvited.
I am not my illness. Yes I am not always well, I have a chronic illnesses, I have chronic pain and fatigue. I get it. My family gets it. My close friends get it. These people are more important to me than me being ill. I hate that my symptoms affect them. But they get it. And they get I am doing all that I can to manage my life despite having this illness that happens to disrupt my life on a regular basis. It is what it is and nothing more.
I need not address or announce to others that my body bares the scars of past surgeries that have left me often fighting for some sense of comfort. Feeling pain anywhere on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being no pain, 10 being the worst) everyday of your life is having to re-learn how to navigate your life through the sometimes wild seas of everything that comes along with being in pain everyday. But should I wear some kind of badge? Some kind of “Comes with Warnings” label? Would you know walking past me in the street?  No, No, & No!

I know when we do not have all the answers, and  it can be tough on loved ones. For that I am sorry. I wish for them to find ways to manage their own thoughts and feelings on this matter. But I am wise enough to know that this is their own baggage, if you will. Not mine.
This has nothing to do with being right or wrong. My reluctance to share or display my symptoms to those who have no need to be in the know is spot on. For me. I am not comfortable with people seeing or even knowing about the times I am down because I am unable to cope or manage well. Sometimes chronic pain levels take me to a dark quiet room where I alone without any distractions can get a hold again of my pain cycle. Through much-alternative therapies such as imagery, meditation, yoga, relaxation techniques, to name a few help me get grounded again. Sometimes I am not able to get a hold of the cycle as fast as others, yet I have learned to not beat myself up for this and to continue instead and follow the processes that I trust will work. And if that all fails I turn to prescription meds.  But this is really a very private time. This is not how I want others in my life to see me. This is not at all how I want to be known. This IS NOT MY IDENTITY!

This is not who I am!

I am so much more than a diagnosis in a chart. Even those who are part of my team that help me manage my illness can see beyond the medical jargon and look me in the eye. I refuse to be placed or even to place myself into a category of any kind. I have never liked “labels” and I am not starting now.

Defining one’s self by any one or two things can be dangerous. Being labeled, or labeling yourself can be an emotional suicide. Seriously. If I should start thinking and referring to myself in terms of just my medical diagnosis I’d be in trouble. How on earth could I see anything else beyond?

I have too much to do, too much life to finish on this planet. I refuse to waste one more breath than needed on the illnesses I have. They are there. Okay I get it. I can not ignore the many faucets of my symptoms.  But I react in a much different way today than I did some 28 years ago. I know now that to have a knee jerk reaction to a flare-up will be my undoing. I make things worse. Calmly and with great spirit I know what to do and I do not over react. In a matter of hours to days I will be okay. Even if my days are not as “perky” as I would prefer them to be I am grateful to have the wisdom and learned methods of coping with flare-ups now. They are part of my life, but they are not my life. They are not me. I am not my disease.

I get that it’s easy and sometimes maybe even comfortable to define yourself by what your mind and body may have manifested. But this is just all part of life, is it not? This is all part of living and having looked at the alternative long ago when I first began this journey of chronic illness I’ve decided it’s so worth it. This life of mine will be final one day, yet in the mean time I plan on creating so many others ways to be defined by. Anything else but an illness.

I am a woman of means. Many means. A woman who loves fiercely & hard, who cherishes life’s precious moments for what they are, lives for this generous moment and stays mindful of only the now. This is how I would like to be defined. This is just part of who I am. This is how I choose to identify myself. When I meet a new friend I do not shake their hand and say, “hello, I am Illness, I am in pain”. How absurd!

This one little Ole post from Dr Michael really got my mind a buzz with his topic. Like I said above, he was referring to Mental Health but I so believe in body, mind & spirit are connected, not separate from themselves.  I know this theory works both ways. So I am sure he will not mind that I twisted his post to fit my thoughts, that his words provoked, and his clinical antidote to fit a physical health. It’s all relative after all, yes?

I am a grateful woman who has a chronic illness & diseased spine. So be it. Who that has lived 5 plus decades that does not have something a miss? I am grateful for my illness and the pain I have encountered for 28 years as it has taught me so much about myself, about this world I call community that I live in, and live with. I am most grateful for how in tune I was forced to become about my body. I am grateful for the spiritual wisdom that I have garnered through-out the years in finding ways to cope. I am no different from anyone else and for that I too am grateful.
I am a woman of substance.  I am passionate. I love fiercely and I wish for all those in my world to be content and happy.

I am not my illness!

Nor will I ever choose to be.

©tjhelser 2011