Tag Archive | chronic pain

A Most Inspiring (award) Moment – You Are My Hero!

Today in my reader I am gingerly responding to charming and lovely comments from my followers and those  follow. A typical Monday morning for the Baroness. Luxury comes in many forms, one of them is reading what others are feeling about what you write, while the mirrored version of this is also being gifted with being able to read their thoughts and feelings on a myriad of topics from their blogs.

And then I open a particular alert for a comment on my post titled The Spoon Theory. I was not ready to be set back in my chair, with tears springing forth so fast I could not stop them if I had tried.

The comment that I found so emotional held an award for myself. But I believe the real message has little to do with me, or an award for me. Only the woman gifting me this would not see this. She is far too humble. and so very generous.

I’d like to take this award, this gift, of the Very Inspiring Award I just received and use it differently. Instead of passing more awards on to you my readers and followers ,I would like instead introduce you to one of my most treasured heroes.

2013 from Tersia

I want to honor the person who gifted this award to me. Tersia from her beautiful heart-broken blog TersiaBurger@ http://tersiaburger.com/

I thought at first this award I was going to accept in honor of her beloved daughter Vic, who lost her long battle with life this past winter.  Although it is true this is about her beautiful baby girl who blessed with her so much,  most of all her two fine grandsons who carry her daughters torch along with Tersia.

However  this feeling of being so overwhelmingly humbled by this award has so much to do with how Tersia is surviving. Yes, she is surviving and from her blog writing its obvious that she is working really hard to allow herself the gift to grieve for her precious daughter in her own way. As is right. As is just. ( Don’t let anyone else tell you how its done Tersia)

I want to celebrate Vic;s life here indeed,  I also want to honor her mothers generous soul. I can honestly say without exaggerating that I know not another like Tersia, who is a genuine & authentic woman whose soul is one I am easily able to relate to.  Both her heart and her soul.

I had the gracious gift of meeting Tersia & her beautiful Vic this last year through her writing on her blog. Chronic pain was the initial connection but it grew so quickly into something different.  I  was stunned by her raw honesty in how the most life altering of events of our world was unfolding in front of Tersia’s eyes and she has the goodness & unselfish thoughts to share with us. I know too it was also the cathartic process that she was writing firstly for.

In all honesty there was a time during Vic’s last days I had to stop reading Tersia’s blog. I was not being supportive as I would have liked to seen myself, but again Tersia knew this is part of that life cycle. She still accepted my friendship how it came. I love her for this.  I had long since stopped clicking “like” on her posts even though I love everything she wrote. I just could not click  “like” to a post that described the fact that her adult child was breaking vertebrae in her back from such violent vomiting. I just could not even think about clicking like although I might comment. I thought as a chronic pain patient myself I knew about chronic pain… I knew nothing. I mentioned both to Tersia because though I really am no one in the scheme of her life I still could not bear the thought she would feel someone had anyone had left her side during this time. She was losing her daughter, wasn’t that already too much?

Tersia as my hero for so many reasons. The tears are filling my eyes as today before I write this I read again Tersia’s posts about Vic’s last moments with her mum.

The fact is that in my country and my culture death is still seen as something to hide away from. I am not sure what your culture is like in this respect. I want you all to know neither Tersia and more importantly Vic did not hide Vic’s dying away from anyone. This is the most unselfish act I have ever witnessed. And that my friends is the gift of a lifetime. We share so much with one another about living life, yet when the most significant time in our lives is upon us we have no clue. No one shares because it is so painful. I get it. Yet when it is shared so openly as Tersia and Vic had done it’s a gift to be treasure and one day I will rely upon this gift for guidance.

But painful as it naturally it still is Tersia shares, and she does so with no regard to the possible negatives it can have on her own life because there are people who believe this is still a very private time. And I am not saying it’s not private, only that its nothing to hide. And Tersia proudly knows this.

There was never any loss of respect and dignity for Vic in Tersia’s sharing, instead just the opposite I believe from my distant stance.  Vic’s life being celebrated while she was alive, the things people felt about Vic were being shared lovingly with her and with her family. This feels like such a treasured time I can only imagine. I wish we had known this when my mother was dying.

There are so many reasons even as merely a blogging acquaintance I realize the cost this has taken on Tersia, yet its her convicted belief this was the right thing to do. So in case any of you are wondering….Yes! Tersia had Vic’s blessings to write whatever she needed. Vic knew of her mum’s blog, often Tersia would share comments with her but maybe not  the actual posts.

Tersia is my hero. I am in awe of her and humbled by her. I am also so completely enriched by all that she has taught me about loving, living, and dying. These gifts she brings and gives unknowingly what she is doing. She takes a life altering heart-break and turns into something that by her actions is filled such goodness I am still blown away by her generous honesty today.

So today with this award let me accept in honor of Tersia’s & her Beloved Vic.

Let me share with you these two most remarkable women’s struggles with living, and with dying.

Today let this award post be about honoring this very special daughter & mother I am so blessed to have the privilege of being part of my blogging world.

Today let Tersia Burger be my hero.

{ Dearest Tersia;  Simply now…Thank you for this award. The treasured moments & people you have taught me to be aware of are held fast and tight in this baroness’s heart.   You are truly one of them.

This music is because I know there are times you just need to be alone …… maybe this music might strike a chord and bring you some sense of peacefulness, even if just for a brief moment.

Please give yourself a little of Tersia’s gifts.. you’ll never be the same. http://tersiaburger.com/

Signature 2013

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Thriving Anyway

Responding to my friend, T’s blog today I realized something pretty powerful. As I read all the challenges she s facing going back to school; I also realized that this woman who I met initially and bonded with completely because of a disease is my constant mirror. In her reflections I see myself.

Thriving T* and I met, became friends and made a bond with each other that we would not rest beside negativity in our environments, and NOT looking at our lives as we are the victims of anything. We so are not. Instead she & I have a made a promise that we have kept. The promise that despite what is going on with our bodies we are still in as much charge over our own lives as before. We have the power to thrive.

Thriving means moving forward with life. Not letting the road bumps in the journey throw you out of the race.  My friend Thriving T* sets a perfect example. Checking my own self inventory against the back drop of this promise has kept me focused. I am not defined by one thing in my life. why would  I allow an illness railroad me? Thankfully I am ahead of this illness and know its antics. I am in more control now than I ever have been.

You will find at T* blog http://itsarealpain.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/day-104the-spark/#comment-614  full of postings of graciousness and kindness. Thriving T* is a power house to be reckoned with and as someone who has Fibromyalgia as well.  I am most impressed with what this woman does in spite it.  She is a friend of  my own heart.

Thriving T* has kept me on my less than narrow path when I started to falter. She is a constant gentle reminder that I can do this. I can make what I need changing – different. What I want & need it to be.  I have much assurance that when I leap I am going to be caught, There is no fear, that has been replaced by Faith.

So when this Baroness uses the term ” I am thriving”  in spite of Fibromyalgia (+  two autoimmune diseases) it is to say that I am not just “getting by” I am thriving. I am thriving right on through this life of mine. As is my good friend and sister Thriving T*  We are warriors over our disease, we are the masters of how we process and assimilate what life throws at us.

In our own world [of health] sometimes there is little control over what is happening to the body. That unwinding sense of loss of control over your life can be something that takes a person out. Sadly  it happens. In order to thrive learning there is much you can do about some things concerning your health, there are thousands of choices to be made to that end. Choosing options that allow myself to thrive is my choice, and it has continued to serve me well.

Thriving beautifully on the wings of living well

 

 

©tjhelser2912

In The Spirit of the Olympics – Updated Link

Edited for correction. Thanks to the eagle eyes of two bloggers I have now corrected Tracy’s blog address. I am thankful for both of these two bloggers for catching the mistake, and saying something to me so that I could repair the problem. Thanks to both of you , you are my heroes today~ BB

In the spirit of the games and world-wide friendships that are occurring as I write and as you read I am creating this post.

Athletes and their entire team and support team have all been spending this time with one another and getting to know each other. Budding new friendships that may last them all their lives. There is so much to take away from the Olympics.

I’ve been celebrating the fact that watching the games this year has held a completely different and yet at the same time wonderful experience. Watching the same games as you are while knowing that we will soon be sharing thoughts and feelings has brought the games, the people, the countries home to me Knowing you that I do in the other countries that are also participating holds a completely different meaning for me. A meaning that I find brings me closer to you and where you live. It’s been maybe the most awesome aspect of the Olympic games for me this year.

In honor of the very games that are bringing us together I’d like to introduce you all to a new friend. She is recently new to blogging and WP. and she has already touched my life in a way that I’m still reeling over.

I’ve never created a post to introduce a sister or brother blogger before. I have focused a post a bit on another blogging sister but I was not introducing her like I am here with this blogger.

 

I am so pleased and proud to introduce to you…………Tracy, this sister blogger I have been so pleased to meet. You can check out her new blog and meet her as well at  http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/about/

Tracy is a sister living in the world of chronic pain like I am. Though I don’t make my health a key part of this blog most of my readers know what I deal with, and that I am thriving in spite of my chronic illness that creates endless chronic pain and fatigue. From reading Tracy’s blog it became apparent to me that Tracy is a youngster in the fight of living with chronic pain. I mean this in the nicest wat possible. It’s been 28 years that I have been living with this disease which the medical association finally has determined several years ago that chronic pain in itself is a disease.

I believe that like all things in this world that can alter our lives that if you can connect with someone who has been, and IS there this is the kind of support that iI find is priceless. I am not saying this to toot my horn. It takes a long time to come to terms with what has happened to you, what is, that is, happening to you every day. There are days that not even those who love you and are closest to you can understand, and there is not a thing that does not seem to irritate you. Making everything in your life and around you feel off-balance.

It also takes a little longer in accepting where you’re at in your life with your illness and then finding that balance that works. It’s not one that has to be perfect, just one that works for you and everyone in your small circle. Those closest to you are the ones who may feel the brunt of what you are going through. This is just one reason why a support community of those who know what you mean, know what you feel, and may even similar thoughts is so vital to good emotional balance. 

It’s true that for me when I first became ill having that camaraderie with other women who were going through the same thing helped in ways no one else could. It’s my hope that we can be a support to one another in any fashion we may need. But in particular my wish is that if you’re living with chronic illness, pain, and or fatigue I’d like to hear from you. Like with my new friend Tracy we will hopefully find ways to be there for one another in ways that no one else can. 

For Tracy; my wish is for you to have a bountiful blog filled with friendship and kindness from others. My hope is that you will find the kind of support albeit casual that I have. That casualness for me has taken on a whole new meaning, it means I feel like I am sitting with my blog friends in a virtual cozy room filled with pillows that cushion and green plants that nurture our air. A room with tea on the table in front of us, a home where we can share and feel safe doing so. My prayer for you is that you find the comfort and support I do in all your blogging experiences.  Best of everything my new friend~ BB

©tjhelser2012

A Better Outlook Looking In

It is important to me that I come this day after a pretty cheeky post about feeling sorry for myself  yesterday and say that all is not lost. Today my outlook about my life when I look inward is back on track. I’m not likely to go down that particular path for some time.

Finding the need to express my many thanks to my blogging family for the most incredible support is sitting on my chest right now like a huge elephant who is reminding how special each of you are to me. The words I read here after posting such a whiny message are stunning. So much love and support baffles me to be honest. I knew going into the post that it was going to be a pity party for one. I had to get it out myself, Like a festering wound if left alone it turns into an infection. I knew that trekking backwards was not an option. I thought about deleting the whole thing though.

I’m grateful today that I did not delete the whole thing, I am grateful today that as much as it pained me emotionally to not participate in the going ons of celebrating my country’s Independence Day I am not in pain physically today. And because of the freedom to write what’s on my mind with no worries of persecution or censorship I realized that I was actually very much celebrating in my own way. Celebrating my own freedom to write from my own person and not be concerned with the outcome is pretty amazing when I think about it today.

So back in my saddle again this Baroness finds herself once again playing the “Glad Game” Being Pollyanna has always been a trait of my own, something that has gotten me through times of chaos that truly have an effect on life. Finding a reason to be glad about something is not too far-fetched from who I am, yesterday was the abnormal for me. I don’t often cry in spilt milk.

This Barfooted and happily contented Baroness wants you to know how much she adores the friendships and loves she has found here. You all are the most astonishing people, and she thanks you from the very bottom of her heart and deepest reaches of her soul.

You’re The Best! I’m most grateful for you being a part of my world. Thank you again Dear friends!

 

~

©tjhelser2012

Holiday Blues Again

Okay, I really thought, and so would most others that after 28 years I’d get over myself.

But I have not.

The holidays, most of them except the real biggies like Christmas & Easter bring about every time they come -the blues. The Holiday Blues. I let them creep into my life some time ago and cannot seem to shake them. It’s true that there are variables that I cannot be accounted for, but how I let it affect me is a whole different thing. I go through this every year.  Not every holiday but some of the ones that used to be very special and were quite traditional for me. Maybe the tradition is why breaking away is so hard.

Holidays and my lifestyle have a hard time getting along. My lifestyle is my safety net that surrounds my life of chronic illness. It has become one of necessity to be as comfortable as I can and to continue to function. My illness involves my central nervous system which leads of course to my brain. To say that I am hypersensitive would be a complete understatement. My body reacts to different stimuli that I cannot subject myself to. Many of these different things will be found at holiday functions of course. Its becoming harder and harder to tolerate most of these things so I just don’t participate and no longer even go. The perfumes, the smoke from BBQ’s, even the noises become all too much for my body. And very quickly, and before I know it, I am on tilt, my senses are all on overload at once and I begin to shut down.

Knowing these things can happen is enough to keep me away. Its embarrassing and feeling foolish on top of it all is just too much anymore. So I don’t go anymore. Today is the 4th of July, Independence day in the USA. I had always attended, or we were hostesses of our own BBQ party and picnics. This would traditionally be the holiday we would spend at the river or lake intil well past dark.

Years ago I found that I no longer could safely be at either one. BBQ’s or the water. Why?  Mosquitoes. If I am bitten I have a severe reaction and become violently ill. The first time it happened was in the mid 80’s when I had just started experiencing symptoms of my illness. I was so sick and my doctor could not find what was going on. Even Toxic Shock was being considered. Finally after a careful exam again over my body the bite was found. By now it was red and festered. I was asked about  it and I explained I had taken the girls to the lake and yes I had been bitten by what I was sure had to be a mosquito. They were all over the lake. Bingo!! Having Giant Cell Reaction from the failed implants in 1986 has left my immune system like it is on hyper alert. It’s response to things that normally would be nothing but an itchy bite becomes much more to my immune system.

Knowing that I am doing the right thing by my body by not attending the big to-do on the 4th of July is not all comforting. Trying to recall the feeling and pain of the effects after pushing myself to attend is not always enough to sway me. Instead the blues step in. Or rather… ahem.. excuse me,.. I allow the blues to step in. And it’s not like I am hard up for company for heaven’s sake.

I just get to thinking about the fun I’m missing out on, the time spent laughing with friends, and the food shared, and I get to feeling a little melancholy. A pity party for one on the 4th of July. Now that is not right and I am trying so hard to have none of it. Yet trying to supplement our own mini Shin Dig never does it. I’m not having any of that false make-believe we are all having fun, when the kids cannot wait to leave to join their own parties. I cannot blame them and I don’t.

I need to shake myself out of this.

©tjhelser2012

I Don’t Even Know What To Title This

Stuck on being Stuck?

I am even unable to find the right key with my fingers, each finger feels like two, I am unable to even find words. Me! And now I cannot even find a title for this piece that I am also not even sure I can execute.

Something should be forth coming from this brain of mine to my fingers, whether they are typing or using my favorite pen. I should be able to come up with what it is I want to write about, or what I want to say in my ongoing project. But it’s not happening and I have no clue why. Most of the times this has happened it’s been explained away by myself, to myself. This time I am stumped. And I am stuck. I am so stuck I cannot even find inspiration to create a title for this.

I need to be able to write. I know getting stressed about not being able to find words is not helping. And that just letting it go is what I should be doing. Like walking away from the project that is not going well. Getting a clearer perspective. And it feels like on many cross roads that there is a force working against me. I cannot even keep my font on the same style or color to save my life. I’m sure it is because my laptop and WP have not been shut down for the last 36 hours. Tired laptop or WP, which I am not sure.Tired operator maybe? I don’t know.

But I keep telling myself that being tired is not going to be my excuse. It can’t. If that is the case than being tired is going to get in my way too often. I cannot afford to let getting tired matter. I have too much I am interested in doing. It’s not even about having TOO MUCH TO DO, it really isn’t. The idea that I am passionate about so many things and not being able to do them because I am tired does not thrill me. Though it may be a reality of mine it does not have to be one I settle for. I have the freedom and choice to make my reality change alter my reality from what it tends to want to be. 

My choice?

My choice to use the time that I am given by God, and by medicine to use for the people and the things that I am deliriously passionate about is what I cannot afford TIRED for.  NOT finding TIME; or in my case most often not finding “The Spoons” necessary to succeed this leaves me feeling deeply saddened. By that which I am not able visit my passions wears on me. I’m wondering if that is what is bothering me, why I am finding myself at this block. I need to express myself in some way almost daily. Either through my mind with words, or through my hands in creating something that can be touched. I need these outlets like I need water and sunlight. I am not meaning to be dramatic, just needing to find a path back to where ever my creative wings were dropped.

MY MOJO

Finding myself without words is unsettling. I know, you find it unsettling too that you are finding me say that I am wordless.  People that know me are going to be laughing at the mere suggestion of this. I am really good about filling pages with idle chatter and maybe there will be a good topic and some common sense in amongst what I chatted about. This being at a loss for words is not the norm for me. But I could move past that.

While not finding the words was leaving me feel a bit unsettled as I said I thought that since, especially since, my cool husband had shined on the fact that I had art supplies all around my LazyBoy that it would be appropriate to try working on a greeting card. I had elements I’d made sitting aside for one that I had left unfinished before my cervical procedure.  So I thought a piece of cake right? Despite orders from medical headquarters, to not us my arms away from my body for the 6 weeks of healing post the cervical procedure. It’s hard to be creative with your hands while holding your arms next to your body. Holding your arms next to your body is not hard, it’s the natural pose you want to strike while guarding that which hurts. But that which had been hurting wasn’t hurting as much so my thinking was Cool! I can work at my table for a bit.

Making a card is what I wanted to do. I did it. It turned out fine. I did not turn out fine so much the next day. I woke up unable to move not just my left arm and shoulder, but my right shoulder opted to join in the revolt. They were ticked off at me!

I had a great time making the card. It’s one of my passions. It feeds me in ways nothing else can. Much like writing does. I have been stuck for words it feels like for much too long. I am hoping the card making session will unleash creative flow for my writing passion as well.

Ironically I am finding that several people I know are dealing with a very similar problem. Their creative wings have been clipped as mine seemed to have been. But then that is the most wonderful thing about your wings just clipped. They grow back nice and strong with your flight wings firmly intact and stronger than evet before. 

Also writing about losing that feeling is Chris Donner. Her fabilous blog is quite a read, I invite you t read Chris’s post called  “Strong Writing Mojo” at Chris’s blog Chris Donner Mystery Writer which can found at this link: http://chrisdonnermysterywriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/strong-writing-mojo/#comment-973

I’m just waiting for t~hose creative wings to grow back so that my creativity may once again soar.

 

~

 

©tjhelser2012

Am I Still Who I was? Reposted from FullCircledMe

http://fullcircledme.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/am-i-still-who-i-was/

The above link is to my latest post on my other blog FullCircledMe. I am not going to try to pull some sheep over your eyes by saying that I am posting the link here for altruistic reason.

The truth is that I am just trying to build up readership on FullCircledMe. I thought maybe you dear readers who come here on the baroness’s blog may be interested in the newest post on FullCircledMe. It would be my hope.

And please know and trust that if it is not your thing I understand, and would never hold it against you or our blogging friendship. Some people find these kind of topics unsettling for many reasons which is why I created FullCircledMe in the first place.

What every your choice may be, please enjoy today and know that I always come to your blog with peace and love. I trust that you are here in that same spirit.