Having found this initial piece of narrative about myself, my life, and life in general that was started back in April of 2011 has affected me deeply. The thoughts, all exposing very personal feeling are ones I wrestled with for some time. Feelings about living a truthful authentic life which I touch on often here at Barefoot Baroness.
Almost 2 years ago I started this, and then left it. I believe now unbeknownst to me I have been waiting to summarize it, for this day to come. I needed to live 2 more years, to grow more, while major changes needed to come my way. I just did not have the clarity then, that I do today. I find it validating, albeit incredibly heart tugging even today. I will admit to looking back and doubting, but now to see that my dreams have always remained intact, with now an additional element I had not been introduced to at the time is comforting. I am blessed. I know I am the person I have always been, now just unfettered. I know how I need & want to celebrate my life. It is just how I get there that is the adventure & the puzzle.
I have been thinking about what the reason is for sharing this now that I have finished it. I tried telling myself that maybe it is because it might strike a chord in your life and if so a good thing to share. But truth be told, I began second guessing myself. Speaking about this with a loved one I realized I was thinking of not posting this because I would risk appearing vulnerable at that point in my life. However with encouragement from my loved one; and my own belief that by saying something out loud, I am making this a more open and honest oath to live my life as authentically & significantly as I can.
So here goes…
Original Post & date of: 4 April 2011
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are”
I have a thing for quotes. Just as I do for self-help books, creative folk art, fine art that includes script, art books, spiritual devotional reading, female authors who say something that resonate something deeply within, music & poetry; just to list a few “things” I have a thing for that help shape my thoughts on all things that matter. Finding a group or groups of words written, sang, or spoken that teach me is not a random event. I have been processing my life and the world I live in this way ever since I can remember.
This quote is no different. This was a perfect prompt for me.
“To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are”
And so I wonder if I am wasting the person I am?
Do I question and second guess myself too often? How easily and willingly do I back off when confronted about my convictions? Have I always been the Who that I am today? How did I become so angry? How did I become so fake? To show the world one side of my face for a few hours at a time? To pretend everything is just peachy. What ever happened to the simple joy I once had just for the pureness of living day-to-day? It has been so long since I really laughed. Where did the joy for laughter go?
I really want to know.
I am often reflecting on where I am in life, and what happened to the significance of living like I should. Do I maybe have a different idea about what the “dream” really is all about? Is it very different from what it was many years ago? Very different from most people in my world, that I can say with great certainty.
Or could it be the dream has always stayed the same, and it is I that has changed? I that let go of chasing the hopes for my dreams to be realized one day?
I have let go. I just stopped because it became pointless. I thought. I tried to tell myself that these things that do not matter to anyone else, they should need not matter to me.
But I have been terribly wrong.
My Dreams of who I wanted to become was changed many moons ago, by a storm that went through my life leaving dust in its wake. The person and the dream I had originally been striving to reach completely was struck off course by life’s bizarre sense of humor.
Or was it really the dream I was meant to live? Maybe this has all not been for naught. I have gained much wisdom about the person, the woman, I am meant to be, not the one I tried to be. Maybe one day I can apply it.
I know it sounds a bit glib. This person I tried to be, working so hard to be, was in the end not someone I could be satisfied with, or proud of. This person is not even the real me. I am an imposter. This person is some others idea’s or composition of what they wish I should be.
How did I ever let this happen? Why did I ever let go? I think I am ashamed of this fake person I have become. I’m not comfortable in my skin.. Authentically living my life I AM NOT! I know the angry woman who is buried here is not me. I have to send her away.
I need to find the peaceful & loving me again. I think she is still there.
Today 24, February 2013 ~ I add:
Reading past entries I see that I needed to not live lies. I cannot be someone I am not, not for very long anyway before it starts to erode my peace of mind. I need to be the authentic truth in my life no matter whether I like it, it is difficult, or if others around me are frowning upon it.
Why are we so concerned with what others do with their own lives, but rarely spend any time in self-reflection about our own? Why do we want or feel the need to change others, instead of be a compliment to them?
Living up to some others idea of what directions my life should go, who I might be, this is not a fair exchange of emotions with anyone. It has even been cheating myself out of the person I am, I am wasting all that I worked so hard to understand about myself.
I, in this time turned my back on the authentic truth of who I am. I think it was just easier to not make waves. But even those around me who I love are cheated. How could it be not so? When there are lies behind the fake smile? The lies I pretended were alive and well. But I found it is also exhausting,. It may have even affected health issues.
I don’t think anyone in my life wanted to cause me harm or hurt. This is so not about blame in any way. Blame is wasted energy.
But those in my immediate life just will never accept the changes I needed to make. I know that.
I know that when I step up to home plate to strike out, or to try for that solid home run the young woman inside me who had ideals and dreams will now meet this mature woman I’ve become. Those in my immediate life will never allow changes to happen without feeling threatened. There is a strange irony I see now in hindsight, it is that maybe I taught those in my immediate personal life how to treat me. I recognize no one is culpable for this but myself.
I am an adult. I have strong beliefs and convictions in who I am. Somehow and in some way I have found the fortitude and courage to hit that home run by moving on with my life. Being honest for the first time in a very long time about who I am I have bridged my young woman’s beliefs with those of my adult, mature, and more experienced beliefs and ideals.
And…. My Dreams? They’re alive and well.
The door to Hope was opened again for me. I am blessed .~