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As The Wind & Rain Shape Their Night

 

 

The ocean tide comes rolling in

While there’s not a soul to be seen

And so it begins

The gentle waves turn the tide into a violent sea

Are you ready?

Are you hunkered down again?

 

From a quiet gentle breeze that wouldn’t disturb the bees

It soon turns to gusts that topple the trees

Still the feathered weather and escape its clutch

But the people and their homes not so much

The wind gathers up into clouds of dust

shutters will squeak, hinges that creak and houses will bust

With an intensity of energy they’ll all take flight

while the bright sun becomes just a diminished light

Furious gales build as people take shelter

property takes to the sky while folks just hang on tight

………as the wind and rain shape their night

 

 

©ttaylor2017

 

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Here I Go Again

I see the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep.

Losing ground in a fight I’m meant to keep.

Fighting to stay on point over many mountains and turning tides.

Forgetting the panic that sets me aside, forgetting the fear that I cannot hide.

Walking down the streets of choices, catching a glance at second chances

Here I go again

Knee-jerk reactions, not finding that safe place to tend to my self.

Searching the stars to ride through the storms should be my wealth

Yet the galaxies leave me empty, there I’m left alone.

Remembering all the rights proved so wrong, I know it’s what I’ve blown

My mind is muddy, my heart is heavy. Does it show?

Here I go again

Reaching for that second chance, one that’s honest, one that’s real

Screaming at the top of my voice don’t give me reason,

just give me choice, for reason is just another season.

Making same mistakes, a troubled reflection I feel

What good is hindsight? Will I ever win the fight?

Here I go again.

Losing now all that was never lost , chances painfully taken away.

Something in this fight has lost its worth,

leaving in its place my hollow rebirth

It threatens in the night and defies the day

My quest for whole just empty promises kept at bay

And…. here I go….again.

 

(Note: Thank you to singer-songwriters Miss Yvonne Jay, and to Bobby Lindstrom for encouraging and supporting me with this piece)

©ttaylor2017

Remain Present

Through all these times

I wondered about:

the wounds of my soul, all the mistakes, and all of the miracles.

Through the tears through the laughter along the wayside.

I obsessed I sighed.

And then

I began

to let it all go. finally letting go  and returning to the silence.

Over and over.

For it heals my soul.

I am certain this is not news to anyone that trying to live a philosophy or concept you believe in 100% can still be trying. For instance just the day to day logistics can try to get in the way, and old habits are hard to break even when you want to.

Some say Being Mindful of the Moment is just an expression, I disagree. It’s true I believe, mindful is a verb.

I often use to find myself feeling needy of knowing what tomorrow would bring. Today I know this is a feeling I do not have to react to, it is not my need to know what tomorrow will bring. Because in all honesty my future is not where I want to be. I want to be mindful of just this moment. I want to be fully present in the here and now.

But because often with that needing to know I could also make myself wicked crazy waiting for the answers.

I could.

I did.

For some time.

It has only been in the last decade of my life that the realization and wisdom came to me that fretting over what tomorrow or even hours from now will bring serves no rational purpose. Least of all it does not serves me. I’ve researched, studied, observed, absorbed, and experimented with ways to help myself remain mindful of “Staying in the Moment.” I needed some lessons, teachings, and even  some magic tricks that would help me remember to be mindful. It is too easy to fall back into old habits, old ways of thinking, even when we are trying to change our thinking to grow and enhance our life’s journey

Once I had some logistics in place, some ‘teachings’ I could grasp which allow me now to be gently reminded to remain in this moment; fostered by practicing these lessons daily.

First three and most important teachings:

1. Practice Self-Love.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

3. Practice Self-Forgiveness

Practicing even one of these teachings helped me remain grounded, to retain a balance in my small world in the beginning.  I say go slow. It was quite remarkable how when I chose just one teaching that seemed like magic in that it helped decrease my level of predilection for wanting (read need) to know what the future is going to bring. Just one practice.

How do we remain in the moment, to stay mindful of the here and the now? It’s the only space of time that matters. This time.. right now

In the spirit of this blog I’d like to share the teachings that work for me. My wish is that you are able to take something away, and please be welcome to leave something behind in your comment.

  • Personal – I wear or carry “totems” (an Native North American term) sometimes also referred to as prayer beads, worry stones, or even amulets. My affinity for doing so came from my youth. I found great comfort in a “smoothed by time” river rock in the shape of a flat heart.  I found beautiful comfort in holding its warm stone between my forefinger and thumb, or in the closed palm of my hand. I loved the connection with earth as a girl, I treasure it now as an adult woman.

  • On Mediation: I prefer to mediate regularly; typically it is once every day for at least 15-20 minutes. I found it is that regular practice of meditation that really starts to shape my mind and the way it works. I have heard that this has been backed up by the latest brain studies. I find it easier to maintain focus, have that stillness of mind I am looking for. Being mindful is becoming my norm.

  • Journaling: This is probably not a surprise to those of you who know a bit about me. Keeping a daily journal of my goals and my accomplishments while articulating (what I like to think are wise thoughts) into my way of living can be remarkably effective. Absolutely it’s a habit that requires practice. A lot of practice. Journaling at night when I can’t sleep and reviewing in the morning helps keep these teachings alive throughout the day.
  • Reminder Notes: By placing inspirational/motivational notes, and self-affirmations around my small world (as done even on this post) these become helpful reminders for staying grounded and not getting distracted. This can be favorite quote, important concept, notes from loved ones,  or even a short narrative or a poem. A personal favorite are two prayers sent from a very good friend who is one of my spiritual mentors.
  •  Mind-fullness Alarms:  I loved this teaching especially when I began my quest of mindfulness. Although I don’t do this as a norm anymore; setting alarms to go off at regular intervals throughout the day can be a very effective teaching to help kick-start good mindful habits. This is especially helpful when marathon writing by the way. Having that reminder alarm helps me to get out of my head for a time with regularity.  

It is also important I believe to note of what to be mindful of. Buddhists refer to this as the Right Thought and Right View. 

 Things that consume us during the day, like anger, fear, worry, or frustration, comes from unwise or misguided perspectives. Having a wider & more open mind to other perspectives than our own is a big help. I heard once about a very effective practice of referring to the issues of certain circumstances in our life as “third-world problems”. This is short-hand for a reminder that while dealing with issues we think are monumental, we might instead be mindful that there are people in our world who don’t have access to enough to eat.

It is all about perspectives.

And how we think.

 Can this kind of daily practice of mindfulness achieve a state of bliss In The Moment?

For thousands of years, practitioners have reported greater happiness and tranquility when we are able to stay In The Moment’ 

 So….I think… I shall stay right here in this moment….this here and now – and absorb it for all its worth. 

And this moment in time? 

Priceless!

 

©ttaylor2017 (original version 2013)

Gently 

Where an ember of a spark remains blow gently.

Where love whispers to the heart listen gently.

Where truth points to the soul tread gently.

Wbere passion ignites spontaneity create gently.

ttaylor2017

The Coming Years 

The gift during those coming years would be seen as having to find a way she could live for herself. 

There would be no one who would challenge her. 

No one challenging that bewildering empty persistence with which men and women tell themselves they have a right to impose a private will upon one another.

Giving up the cruel agenda in a brief moment of illumination.
All Rights Reserved:

 ttaylor2017

Sitting On The Fence

I can fake a smile.

I can pretend that I’m okay…

but I’m only in denial.

My hearts been chained.

sitting on the fence

Time doesn’t always look you in the face. Quite often time is what holds us in the balance of our choices. 

Do you ever wonder why we do some things in our lives over and over despite knowing it will not result in any different outcome? Repeatedly, every time?  Probably results that we know do not serve us.

Decisions for me were times in my life when I struggled. There were these inevitable arguments between my instincts and life’s external/internal expectations. The arguments would paralyze me. Not making any decision is A decision, a decision to remain stuck. That thing we call “time” ran on while I chose to remain behind. My choice had been to remain stuck in the same place because I was stranded in the balance of not deciding. I’m certain I don’t need to explain the pathology behind my chronic indecisiveness to most, nor explain the certain kind of bliss of not taking any ownership for making a decision. If I didn’t decide I couldn’t be blamed. Right?

Denial feels like a wonderful thing….for a awhile. Denial helps support indecisiveness in multitude of ways. Repeating not making decisions was not serving me, it was actually just another form of denial.

When finally I found I could no longer fake the smiles I began to make decisions that started to unchain my heart. Shame began to fall away.

Transparency Time.

I knew things were off for a long time, I mean 10 plus years of a “longtime.” Those misguided notions I chose to let my heart ignore. All that was off in my life; it all began to mess with my emotional intelligence, and this finally messed with my spiritual health, which in turn messed with my physical health.

To be as transparent about this “longtime” as I can let me say I had found the only way to cope with all that I was denying was to get numb. Because I was dealing with physical health issues I had convinced myself I needed pharmaceutical medications to function mentally and physically. With hindsight the truth is the medications helped me stay in denial, it helped me to remain numb to the pain, both physical and mental. This treatment modality helped me stay stuck. So much in denial was I that it took major life alterations for myself to begin to feel again.

Which meant having to make decisions.

Some extremely frightening decisions had to be made by myself if I ever intended to expect different results; if I ever expected a resemblance of emotional and physical health again.What I had been doing by doing nothing certainly was not working except to keep me stuck. Time didn’t stick though and I was losing a lot of it. Too much of it.

A decision had to be made. Decisions had to become part of my game plan. Denial was no longer working. Faking a smile was no longer getting me by.

NOT making a decision WAS a decision. One that in time I could no longer live with.

Deciding to make major lifestyle changes was frightening but staying stuck was scaring me more.

I began the long task of excavating myself to discover what it was that wasn’t working for me and I made drastic changes.

The first one I made was possibly the most important change. I changed my habit of over-thinking everything, every step, every move. I made a vow to begin the change and decided to listen to my instincts while learning to trust them versus the dwelling of second guessing.

Making decisions about everything from my marital status, removing toxic medications and toxic relationships were the most difficult choices to make for this lady who typically found it a struggle to decide what to take out of the freezer for dinner. Don’t believe it if you are told an “old Lady” can’t learn new tricks. Not true. Although the new lessons might come slow, taking their time they’ll come. Just make the decision to learn.

It will be five years in July that I made the most drastic decisions. Making physical changes in moving my residence to living alone, then the gradual removal of pharmaceutical medications that were doing far more harm than any good, all the while filtering those in my life and the weight I give to respective relationships.

With great joy I found my health and my life reaching a place of good I had not been in for a long, long time. This time in my life I decided to jump off the proverbial fence of indecisiveness of being stuck. Deciding this is the time when I finally choose to take ownership for my well-being and the serenity of self peace.

The changes inside me are not changes most see, some who do see the changes see them as misguided deflections, but then there are those who do see the authenticity that I am striving to live today.

No more fake smiles.

No more denial.

When it’s time to quit.

ttaylor2016