On This Day.
Five years later, and an invested Emotional intelligence
I am not who I was 5 years ago. I am not the same person I was a year ago, or even six months ago. Tne one thing I can always count on is change.
Life is in perpetual motion, this I know, and as much as I’d like to be able to have time stand still, it’s not feasible.
Making a mantra out of; “change is inevitable ” works for me. It reminds me that I am not really in charge of life. A fact that for most of my adult graceless age I tried to disprove the point at every corner. Always resulting in epic fails as I tried to control the outcome of any given situation or relationship.
The day came finally- It was one of those moments when everything seemed hopeless, yet this time I knew intuitively that I had a tangible chance to stop living in daily chaos and to find my way to a Better Me.
And so it began.
Six months of near isolation while pursuing the logistics of making major changes in my personal and professional life; this gave me the time and emotional space to get past the fear of “How will I get by?”
The truth is the changes had begun long before I was able to come to terms with it. Admittedly the truth was that my splintered marriage had come to a broken end. The changes were slow and most seemed subtle at the time.
The transformation to this second season of my life has gratefully been smoother than the sinking realization that 42 years guaranteed nothing.
Stepping back away from anger, fear and grief that were present dally, and taking a deep breath instead kept me emotionally grounded.
Preferably not allowing the emotions to take over I was learning how to disengage and the power that comes from it is strong. Learning to let “issues” go even though valid feelings were attached seemed so enormously overwhelming at the onset. Like a tsunami those feelings washed over me and flooded my sense of well-being. But given time and space the issues and feelings attached would soon lose their seeming intense and relevant importance.
Emotions would come over me ruthlessly fast and leave just as fiercely quick. My thoughts brought feelings that constantly waxed and waned like the moon’s phases. Yet this sense of rhythm strangely reassured me. It calmed me.
Realizing that emotionally healthy people allow some emotional space between a feeling and a subsequent reaction left me with knowledge that even the darkest of emotional times will pass. Accepting this is how I became more at ease with change. Finding comfort with being able to draw lines of change where and when needed fosters a fine balance to my life.
Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
January 4th 2013 I began to embrace the changes in ways I’d never even contemplated before.
Moving into my first home where I was to live alone for the first time in my life was thrilling, but as much as there was the exciting emotions there were also the fears of doubts and insecurities.Moving my stripped down belongings to my apartment on the 4th of January 2013 I had no idea what the next year would bring, let alone the very next day.
Five years later in hindsight there have been moments of blissful independence and liberation that still make heart pound loudly today. There were tears of gratitude for allowing myself the gift of self care. There were also times when fear seemed to win when doubts and insecurities overwhelmed me. I won’t lie and pretend my perception was peeking through some rose colored glasses. All good and sweetness it wasn’t. Yet in the accounting sheet of change these past five years have held more of an equitable balance between the plus and minus columns.
All things evolve.
Everything that is happening now will change into something else; every thought and feeling no matter how intense or dramatic, will one day be immaterial.
Taking advantage of opportunities to change the fear into courage, selfishness into self-kindness, and loss into fresh beginnings; I trust there’s potential for positive change in every moment.
There’s incredible lifelong riches in becoming your own powerful change.
January 4th 2018 my second season; it seemed so unlikely five years ago today.
Reflections of life’s rich changes, I thank you.