More whole than I have ever been since losing it in the loss of innocence at 9 yrs old.
That f’d up young woman who blindly led her adulting into chaos and mayhem has healed that little child within. Whole.
I have liberated myself from the f’d upness that held me down. The itemized list of needs that weren’t met when I was a child and how I determined my happiness are long gone. It’s not possible for someone else to give you something you’ve lacked since childhood. That’s not what I as a whole person am looking for. I don’t need and especially don’t want someone to become my life-long therapist.
But there are times I confuse the lines between the two.
Thinking about what it was that was lacking and then giving those things to myself on an ongoing basis is an example of how becoming whole means knowing how to identify my needs and then replenishing what’s lacking when needed.
As a whole person I recognize that another person has no way of knowing what those things are or how to give them to me. To not embrace this means I’d always be looking for something that simply cannot be. As a whole person there is no need for someone else’s validation to be happy; because there is self-acceptance. There is no need for someone else to love you to feel loved; because there is self-love.
And here is the other side of that line that I am trying to not muddy. Because although all of the above are healthy truths this is not to say we don’t want others in our life —After a lengthy personal recovery period I came to a state of mind that I was ready to be loved, this time as a whole woman. I am ready to love wholly.
I am in a place where I am providing the foundation of what a whole healthy relationship needs. Even so could I communicate the times that I would feel a lacking? Can I connect the dots between the child and the woman? Am I ready to take some ownership for the lines I still confuse?
Because I still do, even with all my awareness the whole me struggles to not retreat into old f’d up tapes.
Being whole I’m not insecure, this feels natural – the natural order of things. I don’t fixate on any great loss if one moves on. I’m fine on my own. I’m never “alone” because I have the best company in the world; myself.
I trust I will survive, be happy, do great things. Again though this is not to say I don’t want the companionship of another person, bringing enhancement to my life is a happy thing — and though I am no longer finding the need of constant I am stunned to find I feel a void when days go by without. I am thrown off balance by the distinct new sense of needing to breathe the same air of another person of significance. I didn’t think I would allow myself these feelings again.
A solid relationship is two whole (or at least, fairly whole) people coming together because they love each others company. They’re not coming together because they need someone to love them all the time, because they need someone’s company all the time, because they need to be shown that they’re loved. Instead there is a beauty in the simple desire to give time.
If one person is whole but the other person is needy, dependent, insecure … the whole person will do their best that he or she can to help the other But over the long run they will feel weary of all the neediness and insecurity, and resentments will begin to build. If both are needy and insecure, there will be constant fights about why you didn’t check in with me, why you’re so distant today, why you’re talking to that guy, what you’re doing when you go out with your friends, etc.
But if both people are whole, they can be apart and are secure enough not to worry about the other person, and are happy simply being. They can come together and be happy, enjoying the time of each oother’s company. They don’t need each other, but love each other and care for the other person’s happiness — not worrying so much about their own happiness, because they are secure that they’re already happy.
They respect each other, and themselves. They are compassionate for each other, and for themselves.
This is a relationship with two whole people.
Whole and Comfortable
How do you let go of the insecurities? That’s not so easy, because it’s a slow healing process, but it starts by recognizing them when they appear, and then letting them go. Notice that you’re worried about what your significant other is doing, and then maybe recognize that you’re worried they don’t love you, and that means you are worried you’re not good enough … then let go of that worry. You don’t need it.
You are good enough.
If you’re good enough, that means the other person will either recognize that and love you, or won’t recognize it (and therefore won’t be deserving of you) and will not love you, but you’ll be fine because you’re OK on your own.
If you’re good enough, you’ll be good enough with or without this person. That’s not to say you want the person to leave, or don’t care about the person, but you know that you’d be OK if they did leave.
Knowing that, you’re OK no matter what: whether that person is on a trip, out with friends, working late, even angry with you. You’re good, as you are, on your own, and you don’t need anything else.
When worries about whether you’re good enough crop up, recognize them, let them go. When worries about whether the other person loves you crop up, recognize them, let them go. When fears of the other person flirting with someone else crop up, recognize them, let them go (worst case scenario: the person cheats, you leave them, you’re OK on your own).
Recognize the fears and worries, and let them go. Relax into this new space of being OK with yourself, being happy on your own, knowing things will always be OK.
You’ve learned to become your own wholeness.