It’s been weeks now. I still forget “he” is not there to reach out to. I forget that the Blue Skies have crashed with his leaving me behind. I forget for moments at times that he is no longer here for me to reach out to, not here to process my writing with, not here to share music with, not here to philosophize with.
The Blue Sky crashed and sometimes I am not sure I can do this alone. I’ve not felt this way for several years, but there it is…. sometimes I am lost without him being here. Seems like he always has been here, wan’t he since our teens? Now he is not.
If I am really honest with myself I would admit that these past few years have been more and more painful for him to navigate, the shadows he lived behind were continually growing deeper, so deep I think he could no longer dig out alone…and he’d not let anyone in.
I know that what I am feeling is purely selfish and self-centered… so be it. I’ll own that.Leaving without any word to why he made the choice to not say good-bye has been hard to swallow, I keep analyzing our past conversations looking for ‘tells”…..but I am still missing the signals.
Except, I clearly feel the blue sky crashing down sometimes.
I can see his smile still, I can feel his pain still, I can feel his tears of despair, still….I saw that there was no longer any ray of hope left…..I understood he wanted to give in.
But I didn’t think he would try again… I sure as hell didn’t know he would win…..finally.
The Blue Sky Crashed Down on him…..and he did it alone.
I miss you my friend. Life isn’t the same.
I am trying to let go of the anger. Still.