Archive | March 2017

Gracious Tenacity

 

[An annual posting]

I thought that my 50’s was to be the decade of my life. I found grace in my 50’s that I had been looking for in my 40’s. As I still recognize that Grace is a calling I am celebrating with 62 years to my credit that I have also found a rather ‘Gracious Tenacity. ‘

I believe we each have a calling in life and that grace is very much part of our calling. In my 50’s I realized and understood that listening to our callings is really simply listening to the voice and heart of our grace. Grace is the listening, seeing, and being present in each moment. Grace is the ability to stay away from yesterdays,  it’s the grace to not look towards tomorrows. Grace grows inside of us, grace is woven with tolerance, patience, generosity……woven like a thread…. a voice of uncertain certainty.

Then Grace meets Tenacity…..

This newest decade has become surprisingly my favorite decade, and no one is more surprised by this than I.  A tenacity that I had only seen glimpses of becoming part of the grace I’d found and nurtured. Had I had the foreshadow to know this in my 40’s I might have been less crazed. Maybe.

When the going got rough in my late 50’s while navigating circumstances unlike any other time of my life I discovered a determination I had not known before. Serving what I was dealing with I began developing a strong tenacious sensibility. Oddly enough I would have never used the description tenacious and myself in the same sentence…..not until about two years ago. My 60’s.

Tenacious me? Yep. Determined, persistent, perseverance, stick-to-itiveness – whatever label is applied it’s really about hanging on through the challenges and bumps in the road while chasing your dreams and eventually achieving your goals. Though each of these words above represents the same fundamental ideology, admittedly my latest decade to my credit has come with a  strong affinity for my own concept of tenacity

Tenacity to me is about so much more than not giving up on dream chasing and reaching for goals… It’s about focusing on growth, innovation and stretching beyond my comfort zones and normal boundaries.

In tenacity I am finding a gracious empowerment. Perhaps it’s the discipline of applying an unwavering approach to dream chasing. Clearly understanding the difference between not giving up and stubbornly doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome is part of that tenacity I call mine today.

(I heard stubbornness referred to as tenacity’s ugly twin – I think that sums it up pretty well.)

Being tenacious focuses on growth with purpose, continuing to evaluate actions and progress; remaining flexible and adjusting methods so to leave nothing to chance.

Tenacity is mastering self motivation, being an avid learner and quick study.

Tenacity is having no qualms about asking for help when the need arises.

Grace is recognizing the importance of mastering internal motivation and applying the tenacity to reach it. While dream chasing with tenacity it’s important to bear in mind that such adventures are rarely undertaken in a vacuum; begin by going for a goal that is just a little out of reach, something that requires new knowledge and new skills in order to achieve. Then continue to build on each successive accomplishment.

The point: Those who are tenaciously passionate about achieving their dreams are not easily distracted or discouraged. The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. 

” Persistence is doing something again and again until it works. Tenacity is using new data to make new decisions to find new pathways to find new ways to achieve goals when the old ways didn’t work”    ~Seth Godin

Graciously…. persistently…. tenacious.

 

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ttaylor2017

Wholeness

More whole than I have ever been since losing it in the loss of innocence at 9 yrs old.
That f’d up young woman who blindly led her adulting into chaos and mayhem has healed that little child within. Whole.
I have liberated myself from the f’d upness that held me down. The itemized list of needs that weren’t met when I was a child and how I  determined my happiness are long gone. It’s not possible for someone else to give you something you’ve lacked since childhood. That’s not what I as a whole person am looking for. I don’t need and especially don’t want someone to become my life-long therapist. 

 

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But there are times I confuse the lines between the two.

Thinking about what it was that was lacking and then giving those things to myself on an ongoing basis is an example of how becoming whole means knowing how to identify my needs and then replenishing what’s lacking when needed.  

As a whole person I recognize that another person has no way of knowing what those things are or how to give them to me. To not embrace this means I’d always be looking for something that simply cannot be. As a whole person there is no need for someone else’s validation to be happy; because there is self-acceptance. There is no need for someone else to love you to feel loved; because there is self-love.

And here is the other side of that line that I am trying to not muddy. Because although all of the above are healthy truths this is not to say we don’t want others in our life —After a lengthy personal recovery period I came to a state of mind that I was ready to be loved, this time as a whole woman. I am ready to love wholly.

I am in a place where I am providing the foundation of what a whole healthy relationship needs. Even so could I communicate the times that I would feel a lacking? Can I connect the dots between the child and the woman?  Am I ready to take some ownership for the lines I still confuse?

Because I still do, even with all my awareness the whole me struggles to not retreat into old f’d up tapes.

Being whole I’m not insecure, this feels natural – the natural order of things. I don’t fixate on any great loss if one moves on. I’m fine on my own. I’m never “alone” because I have the best company in the world; myself. 

 I trust I will survive, be happy,  do great things. Again though this is not to say I don’t want the companionship of another person, bringing enhancement to my life is a happy thing — and though I am no longer finding the need of constant I am stunned to find I feel a void when days go by without. I am thrown off balance by the distinct new sense of needing to breathe the same air of another person of significance. I didn’t think I would allow myself these feelings again.

A solid relationship is two whole (or at least, fairly whole) people coming together because they love each others company. They’re not coming together because they need someone to love them all the time, because they need someone’s company all the time, because they need to be shown that they’re loved. Instead there is a beauty in the simple desire to give time.

If one person is whole but the other person is needy, dependent, insecure … the whole person will do their best that he or she can to help the other But over the long run they will feel weary of all the neediness and insecurity, and resentments will begin to build. If both are needy and insecure, there will be constant fights about why you didn’t check in with me, why you’re so distant today, why you’re talking to that guy, what you’re doing when you go out with your friends, etc.

But if both people are whole, they can be apart and are secure enough not to worry about the other person, and are happy simply being. They can come together and be happy, enjoying the time of each oother’s company. They don’t need each other, but love each other and care for the other person’s happiness — not worrying so much about their own happiness, because they are secure that they’re already happy.

They respect each other, and themselves. They are compassionate for each other, and for themselves.

This is a relationship with two whole people.

Whole and Comfortable

How do you let go of the insecurities? That’s not so easy, because it’s a slow healing process, but it starts by recognizing them when they appear, and then letting them go. Notice that you’re worried about what your significant other is doing, and then maybe recognize that you’re worried they don’t love you, and that means you are worried you’re not good enough … then let go of that worry. You don’t need it. 

You are good enough.

If you’re good enough, that means the other person will either recognize that and love you, or won’t recognize it (and therefore won’t be deserving of you) and will not love you, but you’ll be fine because you’re OK on your own. 

If you’re good enough, you’ll be good enough with or without this person. That’s not to say you want the person to leave, or don’t care about the person, but you know that you’d be OK if they did leave.

Knowing that, you’re OK no matter what: whether that person is on a trip, out with friends, working late, even angry with you. You’re good, as you are, on your own, and you don’t need anything else.

When worries about whether you’re good enough crop up, recognize them, let them go. When worries about whether the other person loves you crop up, recognize them, let them go. When fears of the other person flirting with someone else crop up, recognize them, let them go (worst case scenario: the person cheats, you leave them, you’re OK on your own).

Recognize the fears and worries, and let them go. Relax into this new space of being OK with yourself, being happy on your own, knowing things will always be OK.

You’ve learned to become your own wholeness.

The Blue Skies Crashed Down

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It’s been weeks now. I still forget “he” is not there to reach out to. I forget that the Blue Skies have crashed with his leaving me behind. I forget for moments at times that he is no longer here for me to reach out to, not here to process my writing with, not here to share music with, not here to philosophize with.

The Blue Sky crashed and sometimes I am not sure I can do this alone. I’ve not felt this way for several years, but there it is…. sometimes I am lost without him being here. Seems like he always has been here, wan’t he since our teens? Now he is not.

If I am really honest with myself I would admit that these past few years have been more and more painful for him to navigate, the shadows he lived behind were continually growing deeper, so deep I think he could no longer dig out alone…and he’d not let anyone in.

I know that what I am feeling is purely selfish and self-centered… so be it. I’ll own that.Leaving without any word to why he made the choice to not say good-bye has been hard to swallow, I keep analyzing our past conversations looking for ‘tells”…..but I am still missing the signals.

 

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Except, I clearly feel the blue sky crashing down sometimes.

I can see his smile still, I can feel his pain still, I can feel his tears of despair, still….I saw that there was no longer any ray of hope left…..I understood he wanted to give in.

But I didn’t think he would try again… I sure as hell didn’t know he would win…..finally.

The Blue Sky Crashed Down on him…..and he did it alone.

I miss you my friend. Life isn’t the same.

I am trying to let go of the anger. Still.

 

 

 

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ttaylor2017