Reinventing Me

4 January 2013 – I put these words on my new apartment’s refrigerator door:  “Let the music heal your soul”

Fast forward to 2014.

This first quarter of the new year has brought a lot of positives and new happenings in my life. My future is underway, people, things, and events bring slow smiles and quickening beats to my heart on a daily basis. I have chronicled my journey here often, a journey that brought me to a point in my life where reinventing a new lifestyle and what I planned to do with myself became my ultimate focus.

 I’d come to a point in my life where continuing to live authentically and truthfully meant big changes were in store for me, including my martial and living status.

 For that first year I year I devoted myself to recreating a personal and professional contentment. Something that I honestly wasn’t sure of at one point if it would ever be mine again. 

Music has to be part of that and just as my refrigerator affirmation sstate: Music is healing my soul.

Approaching the age of certain can be a bit mind-boggling. Altering lifestyles drastically while in the process can either knock you off your feet, or it can lift you to a feeling great empowerment. I made lifestyle changes including where I physically call home that have brought me a year of personal growth, and recently I added professional growth, that which I’d been anticipating.

 Recreating my life as an independent woman and building a sanctuary I call home became a priority that took the best part of 14 months.  Yet it seems like it was just yesterday I gulped down the fear I was encountering, by making changes that not only affected me, but also affected others  there were days that seemed would never end.

There have been really high points this last year, as well as some really low points. Yet today I cannot find enough hours in the day for all I want to accomplish. Finding time to do “IT ALL” has not been successful. In fact, NOT finding enough time for writing for LBB, two other blogs, my novel, as well as not having the time for blog-hopping has become more my norm in the last year. Despite telling myself that more of my attention could be focused on writing and visiting this community I still find stretched thinly by the end of the day. (Not a bad thing.)

Reinventing my life has taken priority,  and I’m feeling really blessed by those who in my life ” get it” and support me, despite that I’m not being the attentive friend that I typically am.

It’s been a strange dichotomy, slowly processing this reinvention while time seems to whiz right by. Recognizing that this whole process could never be anything but in the universe’s timing has helped me to embrace this past year. Making life altering changes was not something I had ever planned on doing at this stage of my life. Who does?

I’ve discovered that as frightening as it just plain was at times if I had remained where I was I would have been merely existing, not living as authentically and fully; not as I have studied my entire adult life to do. I couldn’t turn my back on that anymore, pretending that everything was just peachy-keen-hunky-dory….when it wasn’t. Learning that letting go of what I had wished for but simply never was going to be was maybe the most difficult hurdle to get over.

To say that starting over at 50 plus years old is not at all an exaggeration. Long time LBB readers have been privy to my writing about the last two years. Two years that involved so many changes, and created so many emotions;  albeit I often wrote in veiled analogies. In 

Recently, as in the past three years of my life, I have been studying life with a learning curve. Learning to accept the things in my life that I cannot change, and to change those that I can, and yes, learning to let go of that which I can’t accept, nor can I change.

Indeed I am writing in cliché, don’t you too tend to think in clichés?

Learning that choices are life’s compromises, with the choices of accepting, changing, or letting go. I wonder if for the sake of this conversation if we could agree that having knowledge is not the same as applying knowledge. Knowing something is not the same as embracing and living that which you know.

Finding out for ourselves just what it is we cannot change, what it is we cannot accept is exhausting tough self-work. My self-realization that being anything less than brutally honest with myself would be the undoing of my happiness and serenity in life. Both states of being I look for with intentional agendas.

Thus being more honest with myself than ever before I am finding ways to make living around those things, or without those things, ….. or even some people.


Sometimes we need to make choices in our lives that involve choosing to disengage from anything or anyone that brings a toxicity to our world that is too altering to ones serenity and inner peace. Sometimes those choices are less than popular with others in our world that just do not have the benefit of being privy to the entire history of the relationship you have with yourself.

Toxicity comes into play in our lives in many forms. Trying to find ways to rid ourselves of that which isn’t serving our body, minds, and spirits can be trying. Maybe even seem impossible. Finding the right answers can be difficult and painful. Also there might be criticism from those in your inner world who don’t agree with you, especially if the toxicity is coming from another person.

People toxicity happens in different ways, by different people. Deciding that someone is bringing a toxicity or chaos to your life is a damn tough decision. I know. I had to draw some very clear lines in the sand of my life. That’s really painful to my heart yes. Yet my spirit, my soul, sees this as a time in my life when I’ve been the truest to myself.

So, what do I consider toxic for me? I honestly don’t think there is a lot to my criteria. It’s also going to be different for each of us because of our own personal tolerance levels for chaos in our lives. In fact some people thrive on that chaos and feel empty without it. 

My threshold for tolerance of chaos seems to have diminished as years gain on my time on earth. But as examples of what I have disengaged from for the purpose of making my point, I think it’s simple. If another in my inner world cannot be first transparent with me about who they are and their life than we have a problem from jump street for any real relationship beyond being merely acquaintances.

I’m not talking about people who are troubled cannot be part of my life. I am troubled. BUT I don’t want to be manipulated by that chaos that the person has no intention of changing. They may even like where they are because they can continue to complain rather than find a way out of it. 

Sound cold and heartless? Maybe.

I am saving my sanity and my health.  

I am a piece of work in progress. I don’t have the room for anything that just continues to spiral out of control with no agenda, no intentions. I have to say “so long” to chaos. It’s my stopping point.

 There are signs that a relationship/person is toxic;  If I continually avoid contact with somesurely a screaming sign for me. I am choosing to avoid negative attitudes, gossip, constant complaining, whining, something or what I choose to call extreme dependency on me for another’s happiness. It wears on the body, and the mind. It took a long wearing me out to understand that I need to not hesitate to cut toxins from my diet and physical environment, so why would I not cut the toxic relationships from my life?

I know why. I was avoiding the major conflicts that I knew it would inspire if I made the choice to disengage, and even leave relationships. Conflicts with others and conflicts within myself. 

Hurting others feelings and treading on their hearts is not something that makes me feel good about life, or myself. I had strong arguments for staying put that had nothing to do with me. Yet I knew deep down inside my soul that I had to find the courage to tell those in my life the truth. I had to tell my then husband of 42 years that I was living a lie. I had become miserable, it was not about blame for me but about change. That was for me the most painful relationship to disengage from, but disengage I did. That relationship is more of an acquaintance now, albeit one with a long history and family together. Almost two years later I can say it’s good.

That I have moved away from toxicity in my world has been liberating. But it’s been frightening too. My whole compass to my spirit was set askew and those first 12 months were spent grappling with old and new relationships, and filtering out those that despite everything tried still brought chaos and toxicity to my life.

I’m just now in reflection defining how I did that in terms of “How To’s” I’m not going to pretend and write that it was easy. It took me two years to come to this decision and then 6 months of almost solitude to figure out how to make it happen. So my how to list will be fairly generic and simple because each of us has our own dynamics we are dealing with. My big pivotal disengagement will likely be different from yours, but I think the “How To’s” still apply.

First though there is a core belief system that I truly believe one must embrace to get to the level of disengaging from toxicity.  My close friends and family hear me recite these two mantras often.  1. That we accept the love we believe we deserve. 2. That we teach others how to treat us.

From those two core beliefs I began to create an intended agenda to detoxify my interpersonal relationships.

I first began to recognize the signs of toxic people. Any continued negative impact on my life had to be “disinfected” if you will. You know if someone or something is creating negative havoc in your life. Your spirit will be screaming at you if you stop for quiet moments and listen.

Next came drawing those lines in the sand. Creating boundaries around myself that insulates me from the negative energy that brings all the toxicity that disease can.

It’s not comfortable getting honest with yourself, nor being honest and standing by how you feel. But doing so allows you to move on and be in the space that feeds your heart, mind, and soul. Toxic people may not just go away because you recognize the need to have a line drawn with them, they may even become angry and spiteful. That’s okay. ITS’ their anger and their spite. For this reason I learned I don’t need to defend my choice to remove myself. It’s about who I am and how true to myself I am.

It’s okay to make the choice and stand in life to say; ” No more thank you. So long”

copyright_edit

ttaylor2014 transparency I can say that becoming single again after more than four decades has been an emotionally growing & fulfilling time for me. Not at all the negatives so many ‘warned’ me of. Personally my life is filled with a lot of contentment, and serenity. I’ve created a happy place to rest my feet at, and to lay my head upon.

I like where I am today. 

Music Healing  thy Soul ~

Professionally my writing feels like it has  never been stronger, music has always been a great catalyst for my writing, and today it’s also the basis for the novel I’m writing. Through music I also am finding my niche in the independent music industry, a dream that once was only as a dormant dream has now begun to blossom. Barefoot Music Group is developing into what I have long envisioned, making this last year’s almost dogged determination on my part feel validated by this past week.

New ventures and new adventures:

My recent hire by the blues band Brick Fields as their artist manager has certainly humbled me, to be blessed with these kinds of connections within this music community of incredibly talented independent musicians is what I have been working towards. I faithfully embrace this, this is a passion that runs lifelong.

The cool thing too is that I am first-hand experiencing that to live one’s passions almost 24/7  is one of life’s most priceless riches.

Riches keep paying forward, and repressed dreams do come true.

Work hard, trust and believe:

Apparently I have been in touch with my alter ego on almost a daily basis and we have been working hard without realizing  it was anything but fun, and music .Friend’s have suggested that I stop being in denial about my alter ego. They suggest that I face the music, that I admit openly that I am…. merely a repressed disc jockey.

Well.. okay…the truth.

This is how I think:  If I am listening to music everyone within hearing distance should be sharing in that music. I post music anywhere I’m allowed.  So how wonderfully serendipitous for me that my involvement and passion for independent music will soon extend as well to radio. all that posting and writing about music drew attention. I’ve been offered a radio show of my own, I will be joining the family of DJ’s at Loop radio.net. Although this has not quite sunk in yet, or the details sorted out this past week has me feeling like my birthday came early this year.

So I wish to say; Thank you Sam Jones  Kenny Darkreine  (from Loop radio) So looking forward to your mentoring.

The last year has been a lot of hard work, and a lot of time alone. I wish I could say I have been the kind of friend and family member who was always there,  especially to those who never turn their backs on me, despite my lack of reciprocal sharing. . again the truth. I’ve been a neglectful relative, friend , and an absent blogger.

 Yet knowing that there is this unspoken level of unconditional acceptance between friends, framily, bliblings, and yes, even family is of great comfort. I could not have managed this past year of changes and growth without you in my life, you who are always steadfast in your belief and confidence in me, and where I’m headed, and what I’m doing.

Thank you! Thank you!  thank you for your friendships.

This life that brings heart ache also brings healing factors, I’m grateful for having the open heart to see this is true.

{ a personal side note:  Thank you RC for all the shared music and life wisdom; for without navigating this past  5 months  would not have been with the same clarity I have today)

©ttaylor2014

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11 thoughts on “Reinventing Me

  1. What a wonderful post and how exciting for you! Like you, I’ve changed my physical location with an eye toward the future. I am in the process of building relationships and making friends — not what I thought I would be doing in my mid 50’s!

    A radio show — SWEET! And perhaps a podcast so we can all listen at a later time (just wondering, sheesh!) All the best to you!

  2. My dear friend, i have missed a lot of the last year’s changes in you. Your post tday, and several of youor recent posts, reflect the tranquility you have developed in your life. I apologize for my absence in your comment column. I am easing back in — i need to cut the number of blogs I read by 2/3 so I don’t get buried again. Trust that you are always in my heart, and I love watching you blossom. Much, much love, from your returning prodigal bloggy sister

  3. Omg, omg, omg, lil sis … your own radio show. Just plain heart-racing emotion goin’ on here. I am so happy for you. Your plans comin’ to fruition. Yeah!
    blessings ~ big sis maxi

    • Oh My Maxi, I love so much that you get what this means to me. Thank you! Thank you!
      Many blessings to you my big sis. Email me please when you can, I would love to know how you are but am concerned you are getting bombarded with emails already. So in your timing. I love you dearest Maxi.

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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