Lost & Pining

( Note: I started this post a few days ago but at the time could not             finish it. I am leaving it however in present tense. )                  
I missed something today.

I just couldn’t even put it into words, that which I was missing.
I just felt lost.
Today the silliest of things, brought the quickest of tears to my eyes.
t’s been a lovely but weird change in my life, one that has certainly let me be alone lone enough to now know more of what my mom’s life was like for her after raising her Family. Then finding herself living alone for the first time in her life.
Though I refuse to live my life with regret I do wish I had the foreshadow to know then what I know today.
Some Triggers for feelings and memories can come from the oddest sources. The connections not really apparent.
At least right away.
For instance the video that follows below, I actually watched and fell in love with this story over a year ago, and there was not the trigger then for me like there is today. Maybe there was. [shrugging shoulders]
But I just was not in a mind-set that heard or felt it, that is a real possibility because even today it took me hours to recognize where that feeling of lost was coming from. I shared the video with a group, I watched it again, and I was crying before and after,  crying through the entire story.
(It is a darling 16 minute story so worth watching)
I didn’t know why or where the tears were coming from. I can be a fairly emotional person I admit, but tears at the drop of an animated video? Tears blurring my vision when a friend shared how paralyzed he is musically because of grief?  I must be crying for his loss.
I thought.
 There were more tears. At every turn today I found myself weepy. The video only was the break in the dam of feelings. There was a disconnect I couldn’t attach to. What was happening emotionally to me?  I don’t cry over nothing.
  I said to myself;  “Self, you know maybe it is just the season and not feeling 100%.”
So many people struggle this time of year and feel disjointed,  they feel disconnected.
There was simply a feeling of being lost that I couldn’t put my finger on.
Like Pine must have felt.

Later while finally sending my daughter a song I’d discovered last week I heard at least a dozen times it was never from the perspective that I heard  today. 
A connection to the tear drops  for me was made through lyrics. 
If you know anything about me you will know that I use music in my life to communicate, to process, and sometimes to navigate life. It’s who I always have been.
Sending my daughter a song is not at all an unusual thing. We share a similar taste in a lot of music, and it’s especially true regarding Beth Hart‘s music. Her lyrics, her style, they are significantly important to both of us.
I will link the pertinent song for convenience:   http://youtu.be/s-h7O0JYLu4
Listening to the song again I heard it from the perspective of a daughter for the first time. I knew then right away what my tearful day was about.
I miss my mom. Simple as that.
My Mom: Penny Taylor  (18 yrs old)mom
In sharing my feelings with my youngest daughter who I was sending the song I told her that ‘mom’s’ typically are the one person in our lives who really do love us no matter what or who we are. It had finally hit me, finally it occurred to me that this is what my loss was about. No matter what choices I made in my life my mom always supported me. I always felt loved by my mom even when maybe I didn’t deserve to be. That unconditional love that only a mother can give.
How awesome that my emotions were mixed between those for my daughter, and those for my mom.
I think this might be part of my life’s full-circle.

21 thoughts on “Lost & Pining

  1. I’m so sorry that you were mssing your mom. A loss like that is tough to cope with. My dad died over 50 years ago, and I can still be reduced to tears over the loss. Thank you for visiting my blog today and for choosing to follow it. Blessings, Natalie 🙂

  2. My Dear Sister, It has been a little while since we have communicated, and I do really understand what you have posted here.

    Guys are not suppose to be that way, and generally I seem to be without emotion. At this point in my life, don’t need to complicate things with displays, and outbursts of emotion.

    During the past few weeks I have lived through some of these feelings you are having. For me, it has been a serious daily meditation.
    As I am learning to meditate, I have a couple of mentors who have been highly supportive.

    Not too long ago, before beginning a daily practice of meditation, I blogged of my Mother’s death, long expected.

    Just a couple of weeks, ago I had a short morning meditation but, one that disturbed me a bit. I finished with tears for no apparent reason. It was somehow euphoric. Something unexplainable but, I wasn’t going to lose my manliness over those tears. I found out. It’s okay, I’m allowed a few tears, and I can still be a man.

    I made an inquiry of my meditation mentors, and asked around about that meditation. I was told this was a reach to my ‘true nature.’ The bottom of the line, authentic, real me minus the ego’s influence.

    Maybe, you had a meditative moment without knowing.

    If only for a few minutes, I had a certain bliss that only lasted for a relatively short time but, as I become more accomplished with meditation, I was told I could expect more of those very real moments.

    Perhaps those blissful moments come courtesy of our mothers for one reason or, another.

    Cordially, As Always,
    I Remain

    • My Dearest Groovy,

      It has been too long since our hearts have crossed paths, I have been been missing your light’s shining influence in my life. Thank you my grooviest brother for stopping by and sharing your heart with me.

      Let me address the theory that men are less than if they express feelings through tears. I disagree passionately & vehemently with that theory. A man that is caught up behind the belief that being stoic and insular from those emotions felt deep enough to create tears is a man in my humble opinion who needs those tears to come most of all. I find that men like you who can let the tears come when they need to are healthier all around and their authenticity makes them more of the maleness I feel comfortable and secure with.
      Tears are our way of washing our souls, washing over our very being the tears first soften those deeply felt emotions and then let them drip from our heart.

      I think we need those tears, and I KNOW that those who are able to let them happen with full feelings are the authenticity & peacefulness I want to surround myself with.

      I have been mediating since 1970 and find it is the one modality I practice that serves me in more ways than I ever knew possible. I labored & delivered my babies without any pain medication with meditation, I have raised children who have been taught that the way to peace and contentment is only through quieting their minds enough to let it happen. I found that with daily practice I have the chance to create the mental & spiritual environments that I heal and refuel me.Too often we allow our self-chatter to constantly crowd our minds, thus not being able to touch that beautiful vastness of what’s inside us.

      Your sharing of this incredible experience my dearest Groovy Dave sent goose bumps through me, I know that bliss and am so smitten with the thought that you found your center.
      You are one of the most treasured men I know and am blessed that you call me your sister and friend. Your authentic energy has always been a shining light for me, and I can feel that through the cyber-highway that brings you to me. Thank you my very dear brother for allowing the only ‘You’ that you really can be. You, my grooviest of brothers.

      My 2014 wishes are for you to find that bliss and it remind you how truly special you are. ~

  3. Oh Toni, I really feel for you. The tears, they just come when they must. They do.

    I hope that you have a good Christmas, though, and are with people that matter. I truly wish you well, Toni. N’n.

    • They indeed do N’n. And how cathartic they are, these tears recently just surprised me because of their sudden appearance.
      My first single woman Christmas has been quite liberating and empowering, and I kind of like that.
      I hope you & Daniel had a wonderful & Merry Christmas. My wishes for 2014 are to bring you both abundant joys.

    • I agree my friend. It is a bond like we have with no other persons in our lives, those between us as daughter’s, and as us as mother’s of daughter’s. I thought of you too as I wrote this, I often share your posts with my daughter and have from the beginning. You & your beloved Vic continue to bring life lessons to us.
      Thank you Tersia. xxx

  4. Mothers huh. Today would have been my mum’s birthday, but she’s been gone nearly ten years now. It seems so far in the past, it’s like my parents almost didn’t exist – just something to look at in old photos – people I didn’t know, and sometimes with a small child on those photos, who apparently was me. Could be another child, another life.

    • I know what you mean about the feeling of disconnect ms. I remember when my dad died 10 yrs after my mom I felt for the first time really alone, despite that I have two brothers and my children. I’d never experienced that sense before.
      And I do think our childhoods were certainly another life.
      Thank you so much for sharing such personal feelings with me. I appreciate that.

    • …..My father gone 17 yrs. Very fond memories & lessons learned but, I only have pics to remind me. It is all so distant. …. and as roughseasinthemed has said, apparently those pics are, him, me, my brothers, and mom.

  5. Sorry to hear of your sorrow, BB. Something you need to work through when enough time had passed, I suppose. The video is outstanding.

    I lost my mom three years ago come December 21. I haven’t been able to cry yet but wish I could. 😦

  6. Hey there Big Sis….your story was very touching. Made me feel so fortunate that my Mom is still here with me…..doing pretty well still, I might add. Sorry yours has passed on and you’re missing her so. You are absolutely right about knowing that you had that unconditional love from her….most Moms give that….some don’t….and I am lucky to be one that feels/felt that love from mine as well. It WILL be missed one day….just thankfully NOT today. Sending you hugs from Lil Sis and the Rickster too. Wishing you a most lovely Christmas my Twin.

    • Hello my Twinzie & hello to my bro-out-law The Rickster.
      I know you are living what I did in 1992 and I also know sweetie these moments you and your mom have now will be some of your most cherished. I know that we as daughter’s sometimes struggle to relate to where our mother’s are coming from, but knowing that we are accepted just as we are, flaws and all, is the most perfect gift from our mom’s that I now cherish more than ever. Think I am missing that maternal love.
      I am so grateful to know from you that your mom is fighting still. She knocks my socks off.
      I certainly owe you a catch up letter. So many changes you are privy to so I need to update you.
      Hugs & kisses to you & the Rickster & all my love to you both ~

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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