A Bittersweet Pill?

Recently my sensibilities towards life were hit with a big disappointment, a ‘broken heart’ if you will. 
Today I understand I once again put far too many of my eggs into just one basket for there ever to be a healthy outcome.
 It seems I sometimes get ahead of myself. Which is a complete bust when I am trying to be mindful of living in the moment.
In trying to analyze why I seem to set myself up I realized very quickly that was fruitless energy. To place blame on something or someone I have found over and over is an extreme wasted amount of emotional energy.
Instead I make the choice to move forward and find ways to change my way of thinking about not only this disappointment, but in how I let myself create expectations of things I have no control over.  That would be as my mother used to say, “most prudent.”
 
    So like a good daughter it seemed prudent then to begin studying disappointment. 
 From the basics:
Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a source of physiological stress. The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis, as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.
 
So now I am thinking I am on to something. 
Regret vs disappointment, yes. 

 Season changes, summer being mid swing and Fall soon around the corner should have me focusing my attentions on what positives have changed in my life, and what the these previous months have taught me. Looking for the things (regrets?) that helped manifest the poor outcome which brought about this sense of disappointment.  Like anyone else I have suffered setbacks, experienced rejections, and had my hopes and dreams dashed.

That’s life, yes?

Typically I have a capacity for bouncing back from difficult experiences, and often find I am inspired by them.
But this time my knee jerk reaction was to feel a simple lack of resilience to courageously soldier on. So I started to mentally beat myself up for it. To look at only the poor outcome and not look beyond it for something more.
 
One of things that helped create the disappointment is unrealistic expectations about who I can be, what I can have,  and what I can achieve. My goals I imposed upon myself were ones with great struggles attached. When I failed to be able to create the outcome or goal I was expecting and desiring I was quick to think there is something wrong with me. When maybe it could be that I just took on too much and put too much expectations also on things I have no say in. I made a particular choice, or set of choices, and just maybe it was not be the best time in my life for such choices.  
Now I am seeing that with my knee jerk reaction to when I didn’t get to where I thought I should be, I hit bottom in disappointment.

My disappointment may also be an extension of the trust I put in what I thought to know to be true. When the truth as I knew it failed to meet my high standards of proof I began feeling a disconnect in every cell of my body and began feeling somewhat hopeless.

But, here’s the cool part I realized, at least I think it is cool: This is my emotional intelligence at work; my disappointments can be additional spiritual practices. I can turn this around and learn through grace, diligence and creativity to change the way I way I move forward from a great disappointment and live out the choices I made.

So how?  How would I begin to do this was my next question.

Maybe….

• I ask myself what is it I am disappointed about?  I name my disappointments and then let them go, making a commitment to not keep replaying them over and over in my mind.  And I will also to forgive myself for being disappointed.  I will try to keep in mind that disappointment is a natural response to difficulty. The trick for me is to not let it govern my mindset.

• Counting my blessings and knowing in my heart that I have more than enough. Seeing my wealth not in outward possessions but in of the spiritual intangibles of love, faith, hope, and dreams. 

………and the really tough one I struggle with, despite being convicted in knowing this is an imperative mindset:

  •  To not allow my ideas about what should or could happen to determine my happiness or sadness 

I shall try to remain mindful that to stay in the present.

I am a perpetual student of life, and would be interested to know what you do when hit with disappointments.

How do you assimilate disappointments?


ttaylor2013©

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34 thoughts on “A Bittersweet Pill?

  1. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling and especially from a broken heart. When you say “But this time my knee jerk reaction was to feel a simple lack of resilience to courageously soldier on. So I started to mentally beat myself up for it. To look at only the poor outcome and not look beyond it for something more,” it’s like you just took the words out of my mouth. I’m trying to soldier in and leave the disappointments behind.

    • I like that this is what felt like just happened, that we took each others words right out of our individual hearts;, speaking for the other.
      At the time we had no idea of this serendipitous gift that we have been given.

      The universe and its magical magnetic pull with it’s law of attraction.
      I also think it very cool that we gave each other the words we our self could not find, but felt needed to be expressed

      Thank you new friend ~ BB

  2. Pingback: Bittersweet | Girl Diaries

  3. I hate the fact that you are so hard on yourself. Look at the comments above and you will realise how much you mean to so many of us. Lots of hugs and gentle thoughts my friend!!

    • Awe my dearest friend Tersia, you are an angel just disguised as Tersia. I thank you from my heart deeply for your gentle caring thoughts.
      It minimizes the struggle of moving on when we can express ourselves with words. I know you understand.

      • Hello again Tersia, I woke up at my 2am this morning thinking of you and what you have shared with me.
        . I want to thank you so much, because what you said really has rested well and deep in my heart.
        You are so right my friend, I am blessed beyond by caring friendships here at WP.
        And you are one of the most caring supportive ones. Thank you again for your friendship. It is very significant in my life and wanted you to know.
        Hugs to you my dear Tersia ~

  4. Tried to post this as a reply to your reply! It wouldn’t let me so trying this way. isn’t it lovely, and amazing, how we can connect across the miles, across the energetic universe and bless one another. It truly is a wondrous time to be here, on the planet, and to be here, blogging.

    • Not to worry Joss, I think the universe would guide me to where you are no matter.
      It is incredible to me how bonds like the one I feel with you happen without that real time meeting, I have said before that if someone had told me 4 yrs ago this was possible I would have laughed out loud, And I would have been so very wrong. I am happy that is the case.

      It is indeed a wondrous time to be alive Joss.It is also a wonderful time to have you be part of my life. Thank you dear kindred spirit for being you. ~

    • Hello Tony,
      Thank you for your kindness in sharing links with me. I am always a fan of anything that helps process and navigate life.
      I will join you on FB and see what you’re up to there. ~

  5. One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night
    ~ Kahlil Gibran ~

    I know you may tire of hearing these type of ‘lines’ Toni, but they do have value as they have multiplied over the years.
    There is a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen.

    and from me: There is not a single person who lives to our age that does not carry the scars of a broken heart. Those scars are our reminder of our vulnerabilities, our disappointments and sorrows. Surrounding those scars is a heart that is primed even more to forgive, long for and feed others who have similar disappointments.

    I am not a big believer in time healing ALL wounds but I am a big believer in time teaching us how to heal our own even if the process does seem so slow. You are a better person having known sorrow than one having only joy.

    Take your time to heal. Have patience with yourself as you would show others. The light is your guide. You are wiser now, no doubt.

    • No Les I have not tired of the similar messages. Tank you so much for your shared thoughts and feelings on the topic. I can read by everyone’s responses that this is apparently a topic dear to hearts.

      I agree there is intrinsic value in disappointments, and like you am not at all a fan of time heals all wounds. I love your belief though, never hearing it put quite like you do. It’s a much healthier outlook and one I can easily live with.

      Wiser, yes. Having made choices I see clearly know only muddied the waters I am able to move forward knowing I do not have to repeat the same.

      I treasure the quotes you share; and is it any surprise to you that I keep a my old tattered copy of the Prophet by Gibran on my desk, and that Leonard Cohen is part of my library of music?
      I am not surprised to learn they are both an influence in your life,
      Thank you again Les, your thoughts about life I value, am always most grateful for my friend ~

  6. My biggest problem with me is I try to set up everything for the future. I plan ahead too far, when we can only live in reality for the moment. I forget sometimes to enjoy now, while fixed on some tomorrow that has never happened. I can really be disappointed by this and am trying to see the joy in now, the little things, so I can actually live the life I am given. Hugs my friend

    • My dear friend, this is my struggle too, i hope someday it will become my norm instead
      When i put my focus on the tomorrows of my life I lose out on today. I have to be reminded often that only now really matters when it comes to the things that feed my soul,
      True we have to have a plan in life, we look to tomorrows to pay our way in life, but to remain mindful for most everything to be just for today has a freedom in it. I am just hopeful i can learn to stay there 99% of my time.

      Thank you dear friend for sharing your take on this with me, I learn more and more about you with each time we connect I really like that.

  7. Beautiful friend again you have helped me work through one of my struggles. Just this morning someone mentioned being afraid to admit she is still the same person under her illness because she fears their expectations. I am sure you already know I believe it is particularly important for us “sickies” to have expectations of ourselves and allow others to have expectations of us too. Without those, what do we have: disappointment, malcontent, depression. Of course! Expectations are okay. Disappointment is okay. It is life. And if we give up on allowing either of those to enter our lives we’re in a lot more trouble than I think we realize. Of course, this also opens us up for failure to met expectations, ours or others. Failure is nasty. However, without it how to we ever expect to grow. It is okay! Please dear one do not beat yourself up too hard. Learn from this experience and grow. I imagine you already are letting this happen so just go with it. Neither one of us would be content to be bottled-up in a safe, little, do-nothing-scary sort of life. Nope. We THRIVE! (Yes, failing and falling from lofty goals is THRIVING because when we don’t manage to fail or fall we do manage to defy the odds.) Hugs to you sweetheart. Shake it off! Shake it up! Say it with me: NEXT!!!!!!

    • My Dearest Echo, my what an inspiring connection you always create for me.
      Thank you! Thank you!!
      You are such a good model for me to emulate myself after. I know you have been here, done that and so I am always perceptive to your shares, we have such parallel lives.
      So I am not giving up Echo. I am living, loving, and laughing,… even though it maybe is still with some sight trepidation, I will get to a place soon I am convince, where I will be again take a chance on fate, chew it up, and spit it out. And maybe find something beautiful along the way.

      I am choosing to treasure the moment I am living at the time, to not waste the worry and energy on something that.might not ever take place in my world. Spinning my wheels is so exhausting so I would rather use that energy for something meaningful.
      Like chatting it up with you my Echo. ~

  8. Toni, my dear friend and sister, you have named a topic on which we disagree. Disappointment doesn’t accomplish anything for me. In fact, it takes the focus away from the matter at hand and puts it squarely on my shoulders. For me, disappointment is a drag on the heart, and not valuable as a criterion for learning, because it does not offer a solution, or resolution. Of course, my parents always used disappointment, rather than anger, or frustration, or distress. To disappoint is to take the focus off the deed and set it right on the value of a person. For instance, instead of ‘I am frustrated that you refused to study and so failed the test,” as opposed to, “I am disappointed in YOU,” (not your behavior.) Just my take, sweetie — I can see you have given this great thought, and I love that you are willing to dig into what’s happening with you.

    Love, love, love,

    Judith ❤❤

    • My dear Jude, actually like that we have different thoughts once in awhile, you are fun to chat with. If we agree too often though a bond to be certain it could get boring.. lol…

      I do understand what you are saying. I think in some way that is how I am hoping to change my way of thinking and focus about on disappointment. I like the focus shifting to what is about,
      I appreciate your honest share, I love that about you, knowing what you are saying is true you. Not everyone can say that. Some people say what they think is wanting to e heard. I’d much rather have the honesty. In you I have that kind of bond and friendship.
      Thank you Jude fr sharing with me/us.

      • My dear Bliss, thank you for understanding. Obviously, the idea of disappointment touches a nerve with me. I think your post was well thought out and very well written — and you are right: what is spice cake without a little spice?

        • Dearest Bliss Sis, of course I understand. There are reasons our individual histories make us who we are and it is a good thing we all our so different.
          Disappointment is a strong motivator to be certain. Hugs to you Jude!

  9. My husband continually tells me that my expectations are too high. I guess being a teacher for so many years, I have begun to expect the best from every situation. The experts always told us….. students will rise to your expectations. That may be true to an extent but we still have to work with what we have.
    Usually when I am disappointed, it’s because I don’t look at the situation realistically. I am somewhat of a Pollyanna, assuming that everything will always be wonderful!
    Not sure how long it takes to figure this all out. A lifetime, I guess because I have been working on it for 63 years and I still can’t get it right!
    I think its fortunate that I am somewhat “laid-back” which enables me to let things roll off my back and just move on.

    • I like that you expect the best, nothing wrong with that unless you like I did put ALL your eggs in one basket alone. I think its what tripped me up. That and the expectations of which I had absolutely no control or even a say over.

      I relate to your Pollyanna ways my dear friend. I have played and taught my children & grands the “Glad Game” I think even in my disappointments of late this is what I am attempting to do, to find something to be “glad ‘ about from the results I think it is a positive out look and I like to try

      I also can relate to being laid back. this is what threw me this time. That I was baffled by it But I know the reason for all of it is another life lesson for me. That is something I never am baffled by..
      Thank you Ruth for visiting, it is so good to share with you.

  10. ah dear Lady, give yourself a wee bit of time to grieve, embrace all that has happened, and be present, right now, this moment. Embracing outcomes has been my lesson, my learning of the summer. Looking back, thinking “I should have…” or “I should have known…which is even worse”. keeps us stuck in the trance of unworthiness. I breathe, I embrace, I observe the feelings as they come and let them move on. Life is an ongoing journey and really, nothing, good or bad, turns out the way we thought or anticipated. So we acknowledge, we embrace, we release. And we refuse to get tangled in our stories of “i should have known”. or “there I go again”. It’s all good, truly. The trap is falling into our thoughts, our stories, our judgements, our disappointments. We learn, we grow, we move forward. Always giving time to grieve a bit but not staying stuck in our stories. Love you my friend.

    • Firstly My dearest Joss let me say how beautiful you are in presence as well as in spirit,I really love your new gravatar photo. Very becoming smile you have, and you feels like I have known always. I just needed to say that you are someone who I would be great friends with even away from a cyber friendship. I have been meaning to say so out loud

      Next thank you my friend, your words of such grace and wisdom are so heartfelt you brought tears to my eyes, I feel like without me needing to give details you are still able to follow my emotional treks, and that is the magic of a soul to soul connection.
      I am as you said needing to embrace the last couple of years and all the changes I have seen, funny thing is until this recent event I thought I was doing so well. But life has a funny way of making certain the lesson is embedded in my emotional intelligence.

      Your ” we refuse to get tangled in our stories of “i should have known”. or “there I go again”. It’s all good, truly. ”
      This is just the message I needed my tonight ((Wednesday) You are just the lady to share it with me so what the message is resonates so well within myself. Meaningful significant.

      Thank you dear Joss for taking the moment to share with me. I adore you ~

  11. Speaking as someone who has had her fair share of disappointments in life I can only say that not all disappointments are equal. Some are easily shrugged off, some require a considerable attitude adjustment in order to be able to move on and some wound you forever. Even though you appear to have moved on you are not quite the same person as before because your belief about what is true has been fundamentally shaken. I know this is true for me and these scars have become a filter through which new encounters and experiences must pass before I allow them in my life. I also used to beat myself up when faced with disappointments but that really does not achieve anything at all. Rather learn the lesson you were meant to learn so you won’t have to repeat the experience and move on. That said, it’s not always so simple and it may take weeks, if not months of soul searching to regain your equilibrium. But get there you will BB because you are a strong and very wise woman. Greetings from very wet cold Cape Town.

    • Greetings my dear Cape Town friend, So awesome always when I get your input. Thank you optie so very much. you are so right that disappointments are not equal.
      Most often as I said I have always easily moved on. this just cut to the quick and took me by storm. I reckon it was because I was trying to count on something that I never had any say in.
      Lesson number 1, only set out expectations that I alone can effect
      .
      Your message regarding the time it might take to gain back my equilibrium is one I have taken to heart and thank you greatly for the reminder that this will take time. I tend to get inpatient. Another life lesson

      Thank you again for your shared insights with me dear friend, you are a treasure in my cyber life and one that I sorely missed. I hope you are well??
      Take care my friend. ~ .

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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