Uncomfortably Numb

 image negative people
 
Upon returning from my spring break I am happy to realize that it feels very much like coming home again here to WP & this community. To be writing for an entry for Lady Barefoot Baroness seems right. I am going to just admit it, I missed archiving my thoughts & feelings here. I do keep a journal but I find writing here on a blog seems to generate a different perspective.
After a brief few weeks away from writing for blogs, reading blogs, or any real creative writing I feel a sense of relief to be back in the saddle again. In many ways it feels like starting brand new; I am also astonished to learn that even during my absence I gained some new followers. I am looking forward to meeting them, saying hello to old & new friends, and writing again.
This time away allowed me to focus on a deep search of my heart & soul during a time in my life when my world felt it was upside down. I found myself becoming uncomfortably numb to life, uncomfortably numb to that which I am most passionate about, and love. It was time to look inward and reexamine.
(this David Gray tune. “Silver Lining”  is one that has been part of my journey, listening repeatedly to it throughout as I have in writing this post, f you are a long time follower of LBB you know this is how I assimilate life, through music.)
While on this self exploration I graciously gained some new insights and wisdom. And new awareness. I’m not saying I had the foreshadow to incite this act of self discovery on my own to begin with; I began searching only after finding myself looking at the glass of life as half empty. And that glass became awfully heavy. I have gratefully spent the better part of the last month participating in a journey of great understanding and reconciling.
Finding awareness is where my journey’s traveled:

Awareness is:

That which I surround myself with is my choice.

Awareness is knowing that which serves your soul has been in front of you the whole time.

Aware is that something which you fought so hard to stay away from, and then you know you find you did not succeed.
Awareness is forgiving yourself.
Awareness is finding that we had NOT let go of that which held us back from growing. (even though we quite thought we had)
Awareness is discovering that the longer we allow ourselves to hold on to negatives, the more numb we became.
Awareness is a Silver Lining
and….Awareness is sometimes a bit shocking to our sensibilities.
I would like to share this short anecdote I ran across recently. it expresses so beautifully that which I am trying to say and seem to be struggling to find the right wording. I love the analogy.
Please, see what you think:

Around The World
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

The thing that changes is our thinking.
 
But, easier said than done? 
Sometimes.
 

I discovered some new things about myself this past month, and this was in itself was Baroness shattering.

I discovered I am not perfect.

Ha! Like I thought I ever was.

But in all seriousness imperfections are not things we have been taught to appreciate, me included. 

However, I am changing how I think about this 

I have discovered that when I see something imperfect, less than. that my way of thinking has put a negative spin on life. And to what purpose? 
If I strive for only perfect this sets me up for negatives to present themselves.
 
All I have to do is change my thinking. 
 
I feel progress when I move those negative obstacles out of my way.
Feeling Uncomfortably Numb is not progress and while making life changing alterations for myself I had not realized I was becoming numb, albeit uncomfortably-  to intentionally avoid feelings that were negative and painful.
Life and that which we desire in it takes a certain amount of belief and expectations of one another, but it is those very expectations that can be the cause of our Train of Peace to derail.
My own train in fact derailed because of the self-limiting expectations I put on others, myself and my hopes & dreams.
I forgot the very motto or belief system ( if you will) that has hung as a gentle reminder in my home for many years.
” NOTHING you ever become will disappoint me: Everything you have been I celebrate. I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be, or do. I have no desire to foresee you, I only desire to discover you. You cannot disappoint me. Please trust that I see you as your own Beautiful.

We are not perfect, yet we are perfectly ourselves.

Finding the insight that we are perfectly designed just as we are is…well priceless.
I am showing back up in my own life, I am willing once again to let go of all the negatives that I let stand in my way.
  I know we can move mountains with the help of positive beliefs and actions.  
That is what I am doing today;. moving mountains out of my way.
And I am feeling again. Quite comfortably so.
 

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29 thoughts on “Uncomfortably Numb

  1. I read this one after the “I’d Like to Change the World”…..all I have to do is change my thinking…yep, I say that one all the time…I’m just gonna be mad for 10 more mins though okay….LOL…”put your stresses down early in the evening”….this is why I absolutely do not FB after midnight…it’s like feeding Gremlins and throwing them in a swimming pool…okay that’s REALLY snarky but UGH, I’m feeling snarky….but only for 8 more minutes now. In all seriousness, this again is exactly what I would tell myself. I understand these insights and I have experienced many of them. I think….I know…I can go put myself to bed believing in the power of goodness and light again. Thank you for every word. Thank you for being you.

    • Awe my dearest Echo~ You my friend are allowed to be snarky here with me anytime, For any amount of time you need.
      You live the epitome of knowing it is all about the choices we make in our thinking,

      I love your belief about FB, I have tried to remain only postings about music &my processing it through the music arrangement and lyrics. I find it quite cathartic when I am not sleeping and having no where to take the thoughts. I love I that I cans till express no matter what time of day….ahem.. strike that,.. night it is.

      You feel free to come to any one of my posts, email, FB or call any time of the night. Or day.( heehee)

      Love & hugs my thriving echo ~

  2. My Dear Baroness, I have learned another lesson from my Father many years ago, and although he didn’t really put it in to words, it took me a long time to understand.

    If, I find imperfections in others, I only need to look within to correct that imperfection.

    Just as you say. Change my thinking, and there is no imperfection. Just varying degrees of perfection.

    Welcome back my dear Sister. And if I may say so, your entry on tech advances hit home, and a bit of a shock…..then, I realized there is a surge protector within….

    As Always,
    Cordially, I remain….

    • My Dearest Groovy,

      I think I have said before how much I enjoy you sharing your father’s wisdom with us (me) and can see plainly that you inherited his sage knowledge. You also inherited is keen awareness obviously as you have your r own sensibilities that have created your dinosaur wisdom.

      I think a lot of times your perfection can be over-rated. I will recall always when my daughter was 3 years old and learning to make her bed. One morning as I was “repairing” her lack of hospital corners. Of course no 3 year old should be doing hospital corners so in my mind I was just making her bed “perfect” (For me because she certainly did not care). Then I caught a glimpse of her greatly disappointed face out of the corner of my eye. She had stood & watched me unmake her corners and redo them “perfectly I knew instantly even her young mind was asking “Why did I even try?”
      My thinking and my perspective on perfection began to change right then and there.
      I don’t disagree there are some things in life that are perfect, a sweet pea for instance. And some things should be perfect, an operation again for instance. I still find many things are perfectly as they should be, by not being perfect.

      You make me smile so BIG with your inherited tendency for puns. I absolutely was tickled to the nerve endings by this one on technology.

      Thank you so much my dear groovy brother for your warm welcome back. It does feel good to back in the fold again.

      Wishing you some peaceful easy feelings Groovy of Grooviest brother of mine~

    • Drat, I forgot to say that Comfortably Numb is one of Partner’s faves. No-one else seemed to get the musical reference so I need to note it. But there again, my partner is off the wall 😀

      • Thanks ms for your welcome back to the circle, Friends? Oh yes we are, I think so, In fact I am grateful it is the case.

        I was hoping you would come by and pick up on the hint of Pink Floyd. I absolutely love that you got this, but I would not expect anything different from you. One of the things I most enjoy about you Just one thing.

        Thanks for coming by and playing Name that Tune/artist with me. 😉

        I have a gift for you & Partner, A good friend’s covered version of Comfortable Numb. All guitar. Enjoy~

        • Thank you for that. He sounds pretty good, not that I am much of a judge. Partner is more up on music than I am ( , eg Floyd, which is why I got the title, he’d introduced CN to me. I thought it was incredibly clever.

          Another blogging friend, (also more musical than me) wrote a post the other day with an excellent title. A good title really stands out, especially when it is personally relevant to the author. I’m now thinking about writing a short story calling it Uncomfortably Numb! with all credit to you of course. Perhaps I will put a BB in it 🙂

          • I disagree ms, you are a good judge of music. You know what you like. I have been privy to your thoughts on many artist. And the cool thing about music is we are our own experts on what we like and why.

            I am now anticipating your post ms.I will be watching. I am intrigued where you might go with the title. I agree with you about the title of a post, book or even a song is everything. Rather a marketing tool in many ways, but so much fun with so much potential.

            I have enjoyed this volley of comments, almost like a chat..(smiling at the thought)

  3. Oh Toni, I hadn’t realised you’d had a break. It’s so hard to keep up with people, isn’t it! You know I feel especially for you, and I’m grateful how you relate so much to so much I express (I don’t feel so alone in it).

    But welcome back – & I am SO glad the break was worth it and, as you say, it feels good to be in the saddle again. I love you being out there. Perhaps “a world” away, but close in human spirit and human experience. And a sista! 🙂

    I love what you say awareness is – and you’re right. I love the anecdote about putting your glass down, your stresses down. It so happens, Friday last week was the straw that broke the camel’s back on a week made difficult by my boss and it was so, so hard to just let it go on Friday night.

    But anyhow, that is way past, gone: Friday is long gone.

    So glad to hear you positive, Toni – and like me, you just do not give up.

    xx 🙂

  4. I have been on a similar absence and journey this past month . It soothed my soul to read this today. I am ready to take up blogging, again, and find ways to share, as beautifully as you have done here.

    • My Dear Joss, It is comforting to me to know that you & I often seem to be walking the same path. Your grace is something I aspire to hold and call my own. Now that I am back in my saddle full time I am coming to r blog for more insights & wisdom.

      Thank you so ever much for stopping by. I am delighted you connected with my post. ~

  5. Welcome back,, and may the pains and darkness has now ceased atleast a little and the brightness can enter your life, once again,, you so deserve.. my lady until ??? 😉

    • Well My Kind Sir, thank you for so much. You have been the best blogging partner & boss (Cyklopp’s & teasing with the ‘boss’ thing)

      Such a process life is; and when you might think that is all there is Life tends to stir us up with an awareness that we have not possibly done all there is. We have so much more to look to.
      Thanks for being there ~

    • Oh Pastor J. thank you so very much my dear friend for your visit & comment. When I said returning here was like coming home it because of my friendships with people like you. It feels again, without question, one of the places for my thoughts and words to be shared.

      Letting go of pain should be celebrated more, don’t you think? As in let us truly embrace and celebrate; Let Go. Let God.

      Thank you again PJ. You always make me smile.

    • You & I think alike, our feelings towards this community. Thankfully I agree with you that perfection is not necessary to blog. I think that is part if its beauty.

      Thank you so much for your warm welcome back. It is people like you I came back for.
      Hoping you have been well, I will be by your blog soon to say hello.

  6. Oh my sister, once again you desperately try to make your way from the darkness into the light. Just know that love awaits … blessings from big sis ~ maxi

    • My Dearest Maxi, I should not be surprised that you feel things from me that you do. It has been this way since almost day one with you. You have insights that astonish me.
      Thank you always for your support and faith in me. Like a true Big Sister you are an awesome guide and mentor in my life.
      With much love always to you the Big sister who so enriches my life, you are a blessing ~.

  7. Welcome back to the virtual reality that is WordPress!!! 🙂

    May your future be as bright as you need and with as much fun as you want! 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

    • Tersia your warm welcome back just makes me smile my dear friend. Thank you!
      I knew Julie and I were away at the same time, and I trust she found her time as liberating as I.
      I have missed you these past few months as i drew away and I am looking forward to catching up on your blog and with you.
      Bless you Tersia my dear & wonderful friend (I have not forgot about my award, it is sitting in my drafts with your link waiting to be finished)

      Much love & gentle hugs ~

  8. Toni, sometimes the similarities in our think fascinate me — I just got done, 2 days ago, writing a guest post for ZazenLife called Making the Choice. sound familiar? And I’ve had to topic for a couple of months, but never really thought much about it until this Sunday. How cool is that? I am happy for you in your new insight, and glad you’ll be sharing it with us. 😎

    • Dear Jude I find this not surprising anymore. It is as it is supposed to be. I would adore if you would send me the link to your post on Making Choices. So cool the timing which i will always be convinced is for a reason.
      It is so simple isn’t? And yet we with our egos try to make it about being so much more.

      Thank you once again for you. Your friendship has been a consistent in my cyber-life which trickles over to my whole life. Take care. ~

      • I’d love to send it to you, but I don’t have your email address. Mine is available on my Gravitar profile page — flash me an email and I’ll reply with the text of the post. It hasn’t been posted, and I have an MSWord copy. Or you can watch for it on Zazenlife, if that makes you more comfortable. I won’t post it until after they do. I’d love to have you read it! Love you, sister — 😎 ❤

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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