Archive | June 4, 2013

Uncomfortably Numb

 image negative people
Upon returning from my spring break I am happy to realize that it feels very much like coming home again here to WP & this community. To be writing for an entry for Lady Barefoot Baroness seems right. I am going to just admit it, I missed archiving my thoughts & feelings here. I do keep a journal but I find writing here on a blog seems to generate a different perspective.
After a brief few weeks away from writing for blogs, reading blogs, or any real creative writing I feel a sense of relief to be back in the saddle again. In many ways it feels like starting brand new; I am also astonished to learn that even during my absence I gained some new followers. I am looking forward to meeting them, saying hello to old & new friends, and writing again.
This time away allowed me to focus on a deep search of my heart & soul during a time in my life when my world felt it was upside down. I found myself becoming uncomfortably numb to life, uncomfortably numb to that which I am most passionate about, and love. It was time to look inward and reexamine.
(this David Gray tune. “Silver Lining”  is one that has been part of my journey, listening repeatedly to it throughout as I have in writing this post, f you are a long time follower of LBB you know this is how I assimilate life, through music.)
While on this self exploration I graciously gained some new insights and wisdom. And new awareness. I’m not saying I had the foreshadow to incite this act of self discovery on my own to begin with; I began searching only after finding myself looking at the glass of life as half empty. And that glass became awfully heavy. I have gratefully spent the better part of the last month participating in a journey of great understanding and reconciling.
Finding awareness is where my journey’s traveled:

Awareness is:

That which I surround myself with is my choice.

Awareness is knowing that which serves your soul has been in front of you the whole time.

Aware is that something which you fought so hard to stay away from, and then you know you find you did not succeed.
Awareness is forgiving yourself.
Awareness is finding that we had NOT let go of that which held us back from growing. (even though we quite thought we had)
Awareness is discovering that the longer we allow ourselves to hold on to negatives, the more numb we became.
Awareness is a Silver Lining
and….Awareness is sometimes a bit shocking to our sensibilities.
I would like to share this short anecdote I ran across recently. it expresses so beautifully that which I am trying to say and seem to be struggling to find the right wording. I love the analogy.
Please, see what you think:

Around The World
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

The thing that changes is our thinking.
But, easier said than done? 

I discovered some new things about myself this past month, and this was in itself was Baroness shattering.

I discovered I am not perfect.

Ha! Like I thought I ever was.

But in all seriousness imperfections are not things we have been taught to appreciate, me included. 

However, I am changing how I think about this 

I have discovered that when I see something imperfect, less than. that my way of thinking has put a negative spin on life. And to what purpose? 
If I strive for only perfect this sets me up for negatives to present themselves.
All I have to do is change my thinking. 
I feel progress when I move those negative obstacles out of my way.
Feeling Uncomfortably Numb is not progress and while making life changing alterations for myself I had not realized I was becoming numb, albeit uncomfortably-  to intentionally avoid feelings that were negative and painful.
Life and that which we desire in it takes a certain amount of belief and expectations of one another, but it is those very expectations that can be the cause of our Train of Peace to derail.
My own train in fact derailed because of the self-limiting expectations I put on others, myself and my hopes & dreams.
I forgot the very motto or belief system ( if you will) that has hung as a gentle reminder in my home for many years.
” NOTHING you ever become will disappoint me: Everything you have been I celebrate. I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be, or do. I have no desire to foresee you, I only desire to discover you. You cannot disappoint me. Please trust that I see you as your own Beautiful.

We are not perfect, yet we are perfectly ourselves.

Finding the insight that we are perfectly designed just as we are is…well priceless.
I am showing back up in my own life, I am willing once again to let go of all the negatives that I let stand in my way.
  I know we can move mountains with the help of positive beliefs and actions.  
That is what I am doing today;. moving mountains out of my way.
And I am feeling again. Quite comfortably so.

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