30 thoughts on “I Was Not All That I Am

  1. Having just read this, I see your honesty and feel your emotion
    Although you don’t blame anyone, I feel responsible. You were left alone to deal with your thoughts and emotions. For that I am sorry and ashamed. I wish we could have talked but that was not possible at that time. I am so proud of you and yoblog. Maybe someone will read it and learn before its too late like us. I wish and pray that you will be OK and hope for the very best for you. You are strong and are full of grace. You will survive and grow to be the woman you want to be.

  2. It is amazing how much we already “know” but are unable to move towards or acknowledge. It seems that your cells knew the truth but you had to come to the awareness and these past words kicked everything into gear.

    Change is what keeps us alive, vibrant and interesting. It’s all good (though not always easy…) Best of luck!!

  3. You are AWESOME!

    And…..

    You are READY!

    Sometimes you just have to splay yourself out so you can figure out how to redecorate your life.

    Might I suggest a helper? Sarah Ban Breathnach’s “Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy.” She was my first teacher and much of who I am I owe to those early lessons.

    Dear sister trouble not your heart with worry about what we think frankly because the general consensus is you are rather wonderful to us and for us.

    One my Facebook page for my blog, I write a “FIBROMATION” every Friday. It’s a fibro-friendly affirmation. I think I wrote today’s for you:

    FIBROMATION FRIDAY~~

    When I focus on my core values, I am at peace. When I listen to my heart, my path is true. When I hold strong to my conviction to THRIVE, I THRIVE.

    Putting this into practice: There’s no kind way to say it but since my hubs and I came home from vacation things in our house have been tense as a consequence of some disappointing adult-child behavior. We allowed ourselves to get upset which invited some very uncharacteristic tension into our lives. Was it appropriate? Mostly. However, we both recognized nearly immediately how we both had allowed it to push us off our track as a couple and as individuals. For several hours, we were both grumpy and anxious including with each other. Thankfully, the breaks came on and we stopped sniping about the situation. We both returned to our individual and collective mission to THRIVE. No, this is not just a “me” or “fibro” thing–he’s on board too. Man, it’s not easy to make those sorts of u-turns but instead of throwing more fuel on the fire we just stopped the negative response and turned it around. We feel empowered now! We even see very clearly how to deal with the offending child/adult totally based on her actions and not our emotions about them. We found our focus. We listened to our heart. We returned to our convictions. And guess what? We both slept great last night. I did wake up feeling like the mattress was full of nails and boulders and I accepted the responsibility for allowing the tension and then, and probably most importantly, I decided to have a GREAT day anyway. So far, so good! I just finished up a short story I have been working on for a contest and now I am moving on to other good things. I may even bring out the glitter paint. A little bump in the road, a little pain…could have been worse, lots worse.

    With all my love, my love!!! (Thank you for helping me stall opening my book document and bringing out the glitter paint. I needed to switch gears mentally 🙂 and this really helped me.)

    T

    • Oh T, I am so sorry, somehow missed your message here, I know for me sometimes it is the process of writing something out , because you sure did not get any input from me in a timely fashion.

      You sound like you and hubs have a handle on the adult child situation, so proud of you. You so know how that can take someone out of the game,
      Stick together, don’t let her ever feel a divide,

      My gentle hugs thriver, Its been a rough winter, eh?

  4. Another powerful and heart wrenching post Baroness. It is hard living out our truths in the face of resistance from those we love. The cost can be high. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you walk out life’s changes before the Creator. I am sorry I have been so long away I have gone through some of my own changes recently, one of them being a new blog”Lillie Put”. I hope you will come and visit. Be Blessed, Pastor J

    • My Dearest Pj. So wonderfully awesome to see you here again. I have missed your bright and insightful messages.
      It is quite remarkable to me that we have been living lives that might in many ways echo one another.
      Fo rthe last two years my journey has as you have so blessed me by witnessing.
      Please never apologize for living your life, but this being said it is so nice to have you back in the fold again. You have been such a good spiritual friend and mentor that I am grateful you are back.

      I am reading comments in between errands, but my very next stop when I return is your new blog. I am excited for you, and looking forward to what I may find.

      Thanks again Pj and may God’s abundant Blessings fill your heart ~ I know they do!

  5. My Dear Lady Baroness, Don’t punish yourself for what you are not or, have not been because, you have always been a proprietor of the truth. Besides, lament, regret, etc. is merely from the ego.

    You have always been authentic, and truthful to yourself, and your readers. We are the recipients of your wonderful example.

    How do I know this about you? Likes attract. Truth brings on more truth. You have arrived at the truth, and could not have done so without expressing, and living the truth as you best knew it at any given time. Don’t dismiss that ‘other person’ as anything less than truthful after all, she brought you here.

    We will all have good, and bad days, and that’s okay. A ‘bad’ day is not so much ‘bad’ as we know it exists for us to learn. Therefore, we may certainly have a positive bad day. Optimists, and positive people have bad days but, they also know intuitively, it’s just one bad day of many days of much greater potential. We are allowed to have bad days complete with behaviors that may reflect those bad days. The difference is, what we do about it.

    Hopefully this is a good day for you my dear, Baroness but, if it’s not, so be it, learn with it, and enjoy it anyway, as I know you can.

    Continuing to treasure your example, and friendship.

    Cordially, As Always
    I remain……

    • My Dearest Groovy Brother,
      You are that grooviest light that keeps shining a glow in the dark recesses of this ego of mine. reflecting the truths I need to live as authentically and genuine as possible.
      I cannot tell you Dave the relief that flooded over me when I see you have left your wise thoughtful insights with me. This continued mentoring for me is as important to me as the sun’s rising each morning.

      I completely understand and believe in the points you bring to my attention,it is in the applying them I must continue to practice leaving behind the negatives that try to steal bases right in front of me.

      You my dear grooviest have been, and continue to be my friend and brother who has stood by and helped keep a light shining on what is real, what is significant to living my life with genuine truth.
      Your gentle soothing reminders that there is always a positive in everything, it is a matter of being able to see it thorough the bells and whistles that living life throws into the mix.

      My days today are peaceful and I am content. I have found the grace given to me to live my life as I mean it to be lived.

      Thank you Grooviest for taking the time to visit. It is my honor to find your thoughts you share with me.
      I hope this finds you well (honestly want to know) & your world is sparkling with smiles abound. I know how contagious yours is.

      With deep fondness & BIG smiles,
      ~ your Baroness.

    • Hello Tess, so wonderful to see you again. Thank you for your your words of what I trust to be truths because they come from you.
      I agree with you about knowing ourselves,. I just wish we had come with care instructions telling us what kind of fabric blend we are made of. Practical and a time saver.~

  6. As I read your two posts, BB, all I could think of is the caterpillar and the butterfly. What a wonderful story of re-birth, love, and beauty. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

    • Oh Kozo what a gentle and beautiful thought. I am overwhelmed with thanks to you for such a thoughtful comment.
      It is all of the things you mention, a rebirth, love, and beauty. And that I am at the core of this is quite remarkable. Life just keeps tasting as sweet as clover honey.
      Thank you so very much for your visit, you are a delight! ~

  7. My lady you bring tears to my eyes, so much feel and emotion,, I however know exactly what you say,, but for you to come out through that proverbial tunnel and still find your true self, and relate it to your original self is such a powerful message to all.. I wish you continue your life as you wish and not as others wish you to be.. my lady 😉

  8. You are awesome indeed! Being true and honest, both to yourself and about yourself, is the way to find peace and fulfilment in life.
    Taking the decision to do so is the motivating factor to stay disciplined.
    Lovely post, my dear friend.

    • Oh I think it means you are awesome Tee!

      You have followed here to know and that this last year has been one of major growth spiritually and personally for me.
      Your very blog Tee has been often my inspiration and the wisdom of lessons I have been enriched by there are priceless. Helping mew to get here today.

      I find that as I said speaking and writing this out loud helps my determination to live with out anything less than an open and honest heart.

      Thank you for spending some time here.I love to find your comments ~

  9. Forgive yourself first for even thinking you were are fraud. Without the past, its ups and downs the person you have become would not have happened. No regrets as all events lead to who you are. I predict that soon you will laugh and celebrate your great memories, acknowledge the poorer ones and know *exactly* why each segment of life occurred. It is the circle of life the way we know it. Hugs to you on your journey.

    • Such wisdom in your words Les. Thank you. Forgiving ourselves I think is the toughest feat of all in life. We tend to be hardest on our own spirits.

      I agree with you that though there was much I could not see clearly at the time, and I was not necessarily happy being where I was, I did come away with valuable lessons, and this in itself may be the explanation as to the why of it all.

      Thank you so very much Les for your thoughtful, kind, and loving words you share. It means a lot to me.
      Merci Merci~

  10. Once again you have opened your heart, my sister. What you have shared will help others to open the door to realness. Your post reminds me of a verse I have kept by my computer for years:

    I am grateful for the life I have … I am living:
    Happy, Joyous and Free
    Being the best I can be
    Learning how to love me!

    Just be you, Lil Sis and everything else will fall in place.
    blessings ~ maxi

    • My Dear Maxi,
      Before I even began my reply I copied your motto down and it is now on my “wall of quotes” which is really a fancy name for my refrigerator of quotes.
      I see them daily and they are a constant gentle reminder. Yours is there again, I change them out but I know I have had at least one other of yours there. The one from Sister Theresa about the seeds of loneliness, I’m sure you will know you the one I mean.
      This piece tonight I find is so sweet it will become my newest affirmation. Thank you My Big Sister. You are such a special lady in my life Maxi

      Hope this finds you “dancing a jig” and smiling much of the time doing so.
      Much love to you & my gentle hugs ~

  11. I think that was a great post. Very powerful, and much of it resonated with me. I think both that we can change, and we can also change our dreams. Whatever suits so long as we are comfortable with it. I too am very different to the young woman I was, the older working woman, and all the ones in-between. Acceptance of who we are is a good thing, but not to lose sight of dreams and goals, even if we don’t achieve them all.

    • Why thank you so much ms, you delightfully help validate that posting this was right.

      It is a bizarre twist in how we start out with such wide eyes and thirst for knowledge yet not have the insights into ourselves. At least for myself it was always more clear looking on the outside. (So I told myself anyway.)

      I love your summary in your comment. Acceptance is our survival. Without I cannot imagine where we as the human race would be

      Dreams too are a necessary component to living a happy and fairly content life, in my mind we need our dreams and hopes, I like to think we are served well by having faith in something larger than ourselves..

      Thanks for visiting~ I am always delighted by our chats.

  12. Wow, this is so wonderful and I can relate in so many ways, BB! What a brave and strong and generous and honest and beautiful person you are. You continue to inspire me – thank you and with much love, Juliexxxx

    • My Dearest Jules, how thankful i am for you! I was a bit anxious about this, being so personal. Maybe too?
      Thank you so much, you are such a gift. And I just love you for sharing with me how you could relate. Means so much.
      Much love my friend ~

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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