Holiday Blues Again

Okay, I really thought, and so would most others that after 28 years I’d get over myself.

But I have not.

The holidays, most of them except the real biggies like Christmas & Easter bring about every time they come -the blues. The Holiday Blues. I let them creep into my life some time ago and cannot seem to shake them. It’s true that there are variables that I cannot be accounted for, but how I let it affect me is a whole different thing. I go through this every year.  Not every holiday but some of the ones that used to be very special and were quite traditional for me. Maybe the tradition is why breaking away is so hard.

Holidays and my lifestyle have a hard time getting along. My lifestyle is my safety net that surrounds my life of chronic illness. It has become one of necessity to be as comfortable as I can and to continue to function. My illness involves my central nervous system which leads of course to my brain. To say that I am hypersensitive would be a complete understatement. My body reacts to different stimuli that I cannot subject myself to. Many of these different things will be found at holiday functions of course. Its becoming harder and harder to tolerate most of these things so I just don’t participate and no longer even go. The perfumes, the smoke from BBQ’s, even the noises become all too much for my body. And very quickly, and before I know it, I am on tilt, my senses are all on overload at once and I begin to shut down.

Knowing these things can happen is enough to keep me away. Its embarrassing and feeling foolish on top of it all is just too much anymore. So I don’t go anymore. Today is the 4th of July, Independence day in the USA. I had always attended, or we were hostesses of our own BBQ party and picnics. This would traditionally be the holiday we would spend at the river or lake intil well past dark.

Years ago I found that I no longer could safely be at either one. BBQ’s or the water. Why?  Mosquitoes. If I am bitten I have a severe reaction and become violently ill. The first time it happened was in the mid 80’s when I had just started experiencing symptoms of my illness. I was so sick and my doctor could not find what was going on. Even Toxic Shock was being considered. Finally after a careful exam again over my body the bite was found. By now it was red and festered. I was asked about  it and I explained I had taken the girls to the lake and yes I had been bitten by what I was sure had to be a mosquito. They were all over the lake. Bingo!! Having Giant Cell Reaction from the failed implants in 1986 has left my immune system like it is on hyper alert. It’s response to things that normally would be nothing but an itchy bite becomes much more to my immune system.

Knowing that I am doing the right thing by my body by not attending the big to-do on the 4th of July is not all comforting. Trying to recall the feeling and pain of the effects after pushing myself to attend is not always enough to sway me. Instead the blues step in. Or rather… ahem.. excuse me,.. I allow the blues to step in. And it’s not like I am hard up for company for heaven’s sake.

I just get to thinking about the fun I’m missing out on, the time spent laughing with friends, and the food shared, and I get to feeling a little melancholy. A pity party for one on the 4th of July. Now that is not right and I am trying so hard to have none of it. Yet trying to supplement our own mini Shin Dig never does it. I’m not having any of that false make-believe we are all having fun, when the kids cannot wait to leave to join their own parties. I cannot blame them and I don’t.

I need to shake myself out of this.

©tjhelser2012

Advertisements

35 thoughts on “Holiday Blues Again

  1. You are not at all whiny Baroness! Like many others of your blog friends, I cannot even imagine how difficult it is to live with such chronic illness – you are an absolute marvel and an inspiration to so many of us. I applaud you. Jxx
    I’m using the Reader to catch up on blogs since my notification thingy still isn’t working.

    • Hello Miss jules, You are such a sweetheart to comment like this and I applaud you my friend for being you. Meeting you throuhgh blogging has been my highlight and I feel really blessed that I have. For some reason it wasmeant to be.
      Please just take care of yourself for me. I’d be lost without you now. xoxo BB

  2. Hello, BB — Sorry I didn’t get to this earlier — I saw the title of your next post, and that makes me hopeful! Much more on that one tonight — I just wanted to say, I love you, my bloggy sister. Big smiles are coming back! 😎

    • Hi sweetie, so glad to see your smiling face. I have your 4th of july post saved in my email to read when I am finished with comments. I saw that you headed it with it was llong and personal so I felt the need to give it ALL my attention. .

      I’ll be back atcha later after reading it alone. Love you too sweetie, hoping that you’re okay(?)

  3. Now that I’ve read this, I don’t think you’re being “whiny” at all. I think you’re stating the reality of your feelings, of your world, expressing the sadness at having to give up activities that were once important, and fun, for you. This is how life goes sometimes, and none of us are perfect, nor are we expected to be. You are a human. You have battles to fight and sometimes you just don’t win. What matters is that you are loved and you have the freedom to say what you feel, and we all accept that. And applaud that you can.

    • Absolutely applauding that we have the freedom to share, to vent, to even dump our worst feelings to those who loves us anyway. That is what I have found here in our blogging family, that they have not abandoned the ship. Amazing! I have to say that sharing out loud was not always permissable in many ways. So this amazing freedom to do so here astonishing. That I Have such support is something that has humbled me beyond.

      Thanks Dear Carol for being here for me ~ You are one of my tribe that I now do not know what I ever did ithout you.~ BB

    • Can you believe it Cee? That I still have blogging family left humbles me. No kidding. We’ll talk about later so if I forget remind me okay. I want to share.

      Hoping that this week has been kinder, that as the days approach the weekend you are feeling the sunshine that I have been asking to surround your heart. Cool sunshine. 🙂

  4. Never apologize for being you,Toni. Your blog is the perfect place to release pent-up emotion from stress and pain. Those of us who follow you appreciate your realness and honesty. You are in our hearts and in our prayers.

    Hugs and Blessings – Maxi

    • I so love you Maxi!! It’s as you said, venting here is what prooves helpful. After writing these feelings I had been stuffing I felt so much like my old self. I celebrated the day with D, enjoying the time alone watching movies together. I needed to move past the expectation I was putting on the day. I need to find a way to celebrate our country’s independence without all the pomp and circumstance that had been so much part of our day. . Its about creating new traditions and letting go of the old and now out dated for my me.

      Its so very reassurring to find that friends like you who have my back even when I am not my smiling self and being as positive as normally I am. I appreciate your support despite my whining ways Maxi.
      Thank you good friend, you are the best!

  5. These blogs and posts we do are exactly for the use you have just used it. I cannot imagine your feelings or frustrations, I do have my own versions but not as bluesy as you, so would not insult you by expressing views when I can’t. But I would say you writing this on your blog must be a good release valve. We can only express our views to you from a distance, and hoping this is helpful. We all learn about each other slowly down the line and a little more which makes us all part of a family, and what do families do? In my world they help and support and show love when and where.. forever your friend 🙂

    • My dear Cobbie you are always helpful as so is my entire blogging family. I feel a bit silly looking back now that today is here and I am grateful that I feel fine.
      Your pain and experiencces are always worth sharing and you could never insult me. Not you.
      I adore that people like you care and encorage like you do. I must know that I will find this support. I agree that this vehicle the blog is for venting when its necessary. That has always been part of why I write. Stuffing feelings was something I practiced as a kid, not anymore. No matter how I vent, what resource I use I know that not stuffing is always a safer bet.

      I’m back in my saddle today, feeling like my self again. Just a time out for bad behavior was all it was.~ Thanks for being here ~ BB

  6. Oh Toni~I’m so sorry. Oh that they could invite something that would make your loving self completely mosquito proof….to at least be able to hang at the lake. I hope that you got to watch some lovely movie and/or some pretty fireworks on TV. We watched the fireworks on TV—and it was pretty….love to you my sweet friend.

    • Hi Katie Love~ Thank you so much for your bright cheer. I feel kind of foolish today now that I look back and see how whiny I was being. It’s not like me on normal days and I think what bugs me most is that I thought by now I’d have moved past this.

      I actually looked for Yankee Doodle Dandy but settled for Pride and Prejudice. I know.. very different genre. But Greer Garson is one of my film noir idols and she and Sir Olivier made my day. We did watch fireworks on TV too, so much better without the sulphur don’t you think?
      In the end venting helped me move past the pity party for one and I enjoyed the day snuggling with my hubby and watching movies. Its always something worth celebrating when D will watch a movie like P & P with me. 🙂

  7. So sorry that you are unable to join in the celebrations. I find some holidays difficult for different reasons so I can imagine your disappointment.

    • Family traditions on holidays have seemed to always hold some kind of emotion. Now that I have this built in reason I really should celebrate not having to attend. It’s been watching our kids and grand kids celebrate while we do not that has been hard to swallow. But the next morning I find I’m not sick, so that is what I really should be celebrating.

    • Hi Tess, just a bit of feeling sorry for myself, I let it creep in with the blues. You are so right that today feels much better. I just wish I’d keep that in mind that waking up after taking care of myself feels so much better than wakin up sick.

      Arrggghh! Whhy do good things sometimes have to be so hard to swallow? Thank you my friend for taking the time to share such wisdom with me ~ BB

    • You know, now that the day is gone and today is present I am grateful I listened to myself. Waking up today not for the worst because I did stay home is a good feeling. I just need to have thiis feeling on recall so that those days when the blues creep in I can pull that recall up.

      And I need not feel sorry for myself. Thanks for taking the time to comment.~ BB

  8. sounds pretty tough, it can be hard to break with traditions though i know! sometimes it’s important to just take the day as any other-the emphasis can be too great making it impossible to have fun.lower your own expectation of the day and it might remove the stesses associated with it.

    • You are so right that putting expectations on a day because of past traditions can be tough. That’s what I was doing when I wrote. Writing helped in that I vented, spewed it out and did just as you suggest. I no longer looked at the day as any other, that made all the difference.

      Where were you before I posted? 🙂

  9. Oh…cyber parties indeed….I bet there are lots of us here!…..our own longtime friends and family have all moved to faraway places…so different now from more exuberant earlier years…especially on holidays…It seems like you are doing the loving thing…. tenderly nurturing and caring for your own body by staying indoors and away from the activating or overwhelming stimuli…isn’t there soooooo much to adjust to in life??? Sending warm and appreciative wishes to you… you are so loved and appreciated…. : )

    • Thank you my wonderful blogging friend! I so love the slant you are able to lend me. Every time I read from you. It’s true that as we grow older and those in our lives all are cycling through life that things change in big ways. I feel better today, grateful I did not push the envelope by trying to attend. So am past that. It’s not a bad thing and I wish on the day of I could let go of what I seem to be hanging on to.

      You are a gem in my life here in cyber world, though there is little doubt that if we were neighbors we’d be great friends. I surround myself with positive and vibrant people, you fit the boll to the T.

  10. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this must be. I admire your strength in trying to keep this in right perspective. I just broke my foot day before yesterday and I’m still pretty uncomfortable so (with the heat), I had to forego the holiday today with my family. I was a little down and that is only one holiday, yet it won’t be forever. So, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be in your situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 😀

    • Omgosh here I am bemoaning my own issues and you are dealing with a broken foot. How many bones? Are you doing okay? Have help?

      I am really grateful for you not looking at this last post of mine as whiny. It really was as I look back on it. I just needed to vent the emotion which is part of why I write in the first place. The thing that gets mme is that 28 yrs I still have not moved passed the holiday blues.

      Thanks so much for taking the timme to comment, so very kind of you. I look forward to reading more of your blog, and getting to know you better.
      Please take care of that foot, I’ll be sending healing prayers and energy your way.~ BB

      • You are such a remarkable woman. I really admire your ability to sort through your situation. I don’t think this was “whiny” at all. We all need a place where we can express our emotions. This is such a great place to be able to do that. You seem to have a remarkable attitude … so, give yourself some slack. You’re in a very difficult situation so, of course you’re going to feel down during these times. The beauty I see in you is you have found a way to sort through your situation and feelings. That is something very remarkable. 😀
        As for my foot … I really appreciate your concern. It’s really not a big deal at all. My foot was broken in two places (on the 5th metatarsal), but it’ll be fine. My son, Ryan, has been so helpful. He’s so patient. My husband and daughter work most of the day, so Ryan has been picking up the slack. Actually, they’re all great. I really appreciate your prayers and energy. I will pray for you as well. 😀

        • What a sweet and kind thing for you to see and say. Your message is very telling to me that if omeone who is just meeting me can garner this just from what I have written than all cannot be lost (I know its not but…) The fact that you have taken the time to share with me Fitz is so touching that for the umpteenth time day I tear up from gratitude. Simple pure gratitude.
          What a wonderful thing.

  11. Bless your sweet heart, TJ! I had no idea, and am sorrier than I can express. It must be very difficult, and though my issues are not the same as yours, I think I understand some of the “Holiday Blues”. Well, if it helps at all, you can sure come to my cyber parties–good folks, good food, and I don’t allow any bugs or smoke or loud music–we just have FUN. So I’ll fix you a plate in a comfortable chair–and we’ll make a day of it! God bless you–love, sis Caddo

    • Oh Sis Caddo it helps so much being part of your cbyer party and cicle of love. I cannot tell you. And sweetie pleaase, never any need to aplogize to me.
      I know this whole post came across as a whint self pity party for one that I dumped on everyone’s parade. I honestly just needed to vent. If I stuffed those feelings any longer I no doubt would expode emotionally.
      Please forgive me for coming off so sorry sounding.

      Most days I am able to keep things in perspective, today just got to me. I need to learn more about you my friend, I do not mean in the nosy prying sense, just the what you are sharing I want to absorb. I’ve known from the begining of being introduced to your blog and to you that there wasa connection. Spiritually and womanly we have much like minded hearts and mind.

      Thanks Caddo so much for caring, and taking the time to tell me so. Means so much~

      • Now listen to me, TJ (and I have no idea if it’s okay to call you that–so let me know!)–I’m speaking as your big sister now, hands on hips and the whole deal, so try to visualize it: don’t you Ever feel like you can’t just say how you feel. Like I tell one of my li’l sis’s, it’s no good to stuff all that down inside–you need to get it OUT, so it doesn’t just turn to sludge and make you feel sicker. I do have a big heart, and though I’m not the smartest/wisest woman on earth–I do know Some Things. I know God loves us and wants to heal the hurting parts–and I’m convinced He opened up this blog world so that sisters (and a few brothers) can meet and help one another. Since last Aug 30, I’ve been so enriched, so loved, and my faith in Him has Grown bushels!! So I’m tellin’ you now–you don’t need to feel bad about feeling bad, you hear me?! You just come on over and sit in my God’s Guest chair, and let it all out (here’s my email: caddoveil@comcast.net)–I’ll get you to laughin’ in no time a’tall! Ooops–I gotta run, I need to take a pan of brownies out before they burn to a crisp (I made ’em for some of my crazy neighbors–having a generous moment, I guess!). So sorry to take up all this space, jabbering away! God bless you, hon–much love, sis Caddo

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s