Someday’s the sky may feel like it should be falling on you; yet you are able to raise your arms up-stretched enough to say, “Okay Chicken Little Get outta my way!”
And yet on those rarest of days when it seems like you are unable to stretch your arms to the heavens fast enough there is a special kind of magic that can happen as long as your eyes are cast above.
I wrote in a prior post that my typical attitude is not one where I tend to look only inward. That pity parties for one are not my norm. I’ve too much to be grateful for to have even the most discouraging thoughts or events derail me. I am blessed in ways that many are not even able to dream of.
It upsets and disgusts me to find that I alone let myself succumb to this self-pity. And please, please know I am only saying this out loud now as a way of an affirmation. Today is Palm Sunday and there is a reason for even this lesson on this Holy Day. My prayer is that if should I see myself heading in this downward spiral I’ll stop, and let myself out of the pity party ride for one before I get so sucked into the force pulling out is harder than anything I’ve had to do. Seeing myself now, pulling myself out again will not seem like too much effort. That is when I know I am in trouble. When the wallowing starts to feel good.
Blessedly I do not get to the wallowing poin as I headed to this weekend. As I said I do not often find myself struggling emotionally with myself. Never Spiritually. But this weekend as I began the pity party for one I was setting up for was starting to feel kind of good. The old woes me was looking kind of attractive against its alternative. Attractive because in the state where I was headed it was just so much less effort than raising my arms, so much faster than looking for healthy gratifications (always was a kind of instant loving person when it comes to gratifications)and playing into the devil’s advocate if you will, is just so much less investment.
Yet with all the taking the easy ways out, the lazy way of doing things, and looking for the path of least resistant I found mysel withf my usual smile turned upside down. Isn’t something wrong with this image?
And because I could so easily lie my finger point against a dozen or more aspects that created small hills in my life I made the clear choice to find myself feeling sorry for myself. It seemed the easiest amount of work and God knows I was certainly overworked this past week, right?
Finding the reasons why I was a but sullen this stormy wet weekend could have been all about finding blame and justifications somewhere else. Or many someone or some where else’s. Yet there is only one truth finder who I have to account to along sids my God….
That would be moi!
It’s also very easy to fool some of the people… some of the time… and because it is imperative for myself and for my spirituality that I never try to fool myself. ( I’m not sure I can) I’ve actually never tried for very long before because I become quite anxious. And the anxiety always has to do with the lack of honesty from within myself. ‘
Trying to fool myself has never met with a good outcome. Even when it involves circumstances that I am not seeing clearly; whether it be beliefs, actions or events in life where the actual truth is yet hidden because of ignorance of mind or heart. Or because my body is revolting. It’s always another lesson to behold. Even though at times there is not one bit of conscious acknowledgement that the thing(s) amiss are things that can recognized, it’s apparent on every level that something is missing. And is So Wrong.
This was me this first weekend of April. It was my April Fools Day. Maybe because I was the one trying to be the fooled.
Never is it a good way to start a weekend, a month or even a goal, when one’s intent is to be self-centered. And that is where I was at. I’m admitting this because it’s important for lessons to be learned. It’s one thing to find a hurdle to have to jump, it’s quite another to be enjoying the hurdle that you’re unable to jump just for pity’s sake. And I am admitting to myself and out loud that come this Sunday morning I was digging my heels in where I would have been doing better by raising my own ankles off the ground.
Can’t say why but I need not have this answer. Just realizing that I was enjoying the pity party for one was a real shock. I am so not this person. It did not add to my pride in any way. So why? Do I really need to expend all that energy into trying to analyze why? Or is it enough to Let Go, Let God?
I think it’s quite enough. That I recognized what I was doing, where I was letting myself go to is going to be enough. I am in no need of the “where of’s” or” why’s” as long as my intent is moving forward. To let myself stay in wallowing in the mud sling is not the intent of the Walk I choose to Walk. I could get all hung up in the semantics of the why…. skidding my wheels into other wheels…. I’ve done this, been there. Actually I have spent years spinning wheels into wheels and getting no where real fast.
This late Sunday evening is finding me content. The feelings of all those passing emotions I don’t always understand have found their place once again in God’s very Loving Hand’s. Whatever the reasons for my sense of vulnerability and mis-guided need for a pity party for one are back in the places they belong. On the book sheld where The Our Life Lessons belong, and only come down off the shelf for moments during discovery of our ultimate destinations.
I’m grateful for this weekend’s lessons. I’m most satisfied tonight that in the end where I was going was never different from where I need to be. It just seemed so for a bit. There were moments this weekend when I just knew Chicken Little was running… running frightened at the prospects of what was falling from the sky.
And then there was the BIG Fantastic Moment of clarity – Of God’s Guiding light of clarity. The moment when I knew no fear. Knew that I was finding all that I needed once I stopped looking only inward. I knew that answers that leave me contented come from looking beyond myself.
I watched as my Sunday night swelled into evening prayer’s, crowned with God’s Goodness, and thrust back into the purity of Spirit & Contentment.
Thanks dear family,framily, friend’s & readers, thanks for bearing with my rambling struggles too.~
I am reminded gracuiously that I am one Blessed Barefoot Baroness
- Quotes and Thoughts for April Fool’s Day (autumnsunshineandgabrielleangel.wordpress.com)