Archive | February 23, 2012

Shamed for Life?




And what does that word do to you may I ask?

Does it conjure up thoughts and then feelings about a time or event in your life that at some point if even not now causes  a shame response?

I know that shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Shame, or the knowledge of the consequence of it can serve its purpose I suppose when one is weighing whether or not their actions could be shameful in someone’s eyes? But whose eyes count? Is it something that we carry with us in adulthood from events that happened while still maturing? I have no real answers to any these. Especially would I never condone that what I am feeling or writing about how I feel or think is the best for anyone else.  I don’t. I don’t because I come from a different history, I have different beliefs and thoughts on things than anyone else. Just as you do. We may be like-minded in many ways BUT WE STILL ARE INDIVIDUAlS with individual outlooks.

Shame is something that will cause you to have to pay for excess baggage. Its expensive. It’s a cost to you as a person that is likely to cause extreme hardship if allowed to continue to fester. Shame comes in many forms, comes from many things, and is insidious if left alone. Especially the shame that you had no say in. Shame that was being played out like a maestro orchestrates an orchestra.

I know Shame well. And shame knows me well. I am going to add a frame of reference to this post I rarely do. My past. Or should I say my childhood. I’ve spoken about it in simplistic terms, the good out of the bad because 99.9% of my time that is just how I see my childhood, the good from the bad. There were both. Just as there is in every one of us. For the purpose of this post, and for my own journey I hope that you’ll either bear with me or you’ll relate. Or both. Now you have options.


This quote from the Preface of Lent may seem surprising to those people who are accustomed to thinking of Lent solely as a time of penance: “Each year, you give us this joyful season when we prepare to celebrate the paschal mystery with mind and heart renewed”.

Lent is certainly a period marked by seriousness, but, contrary to certain stereotypes, it is also a time of joy

We become aware of our sinfulness, our shames, however, not by remaining fixated on ourselves, but by contemplating the love of Spirit revealed by the Son in the Spirit. The readings for Mass during Lent certainly denounce sin but at the same time proclaim the divine mercy which is always ready to forgive

For those who do not know I am a recovering Irish Catholic. I mean no disrespect or offense to those who are practicing Catholics. Its my own personal spiritual choice based on personal history that made no sense to me to continue being under the direction of a church that protects physical abuse. Priests who have obviously disobeyed their vow and promise to God. My abuse, albeit not by a man of the clergy, but by one who should have been an even more trusted, a member of our close-knit family. My paternal grandfather. I was barely 8 yrs old.

Suffice it to say that I find no purpose in regurgitating up the details to be read here. I shall be no part of allowing anyone to “Float their boat” by reading a post that is intended to help, not hurt. The only thing needed to be known is this was my start to Shame. Something that I did not have control over, yet all the same I own the shame of it.

Growing up, and then out of an alcoholic home where parents had their heads in some other game than parenting. Seeing violence, arguing, and drunks at any time was my fear. I could not and would not let my friends see it. I would protect them from it just as hard as I tried to protect my baby brother of 4 yrs from it. I could not. This was beyond my control and led me to believe that this was also my shame. I vowed to never as an adult allow events and other people to have power over my life, the shame of others would never be mine again. I could master my culpability in life, but own no one else’s.

Its taken me 50 plus years to realize that the shame causes guilt of the hidden kind and that I don’t have control and never will. That as long as I let what ever happens around me to engulf me spiritually I make it my own. AS long as I allow my own children who are adults now to have me accept their shame and guilt I am keeping them from owning what maybe they need to heal. It’s not of any

Spending some time on Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent reading and praying I asked Spirit to help me quiet the chatter in my mind, and to still my heart so that I may be closer. What can I do to bring my mind more open to Spirit, and what my heart needs to let go of all old pains? What is keeping me from that complete openness that I no longer need childish things? Letting go of guilt’s and shame whether I own them or they belong to some one else is not helping my quest.

I need to let them all go, take down the screen that maybe helped me keep a guard up around my heart. Hanging on to shame is hanging to resentments. It’s akin to hanging on to an old lover who abuses your right to be happy. I can see ever so clearly now that what I believed was my baggage was a way for me to remain a victim, to hang on to events that are past whether years ago or yesterday only keep a screen of falseness up between myself and the spirit of contentment  in my life.

Taking responsibility for events not in my power were bricks put up through the years with mortar that has been crumbling. I had no idea why, only I knew there was this hole in my heart where I placed all shame. Shame has been keeping me from a lot of things.I did not feel worthy despite all the teachings I was forgiven. I had no idea I also had to forgive myself.

I need to let it all go. I’ve hung on too much, too long as it is. So long that there is actual fear of the idea of being without this coat of hidden shame. This is what happens when you own something too long that never belonged to you in the first place. Yet I stumble, I look over my shoulder, I run the other way, and shame wants to follow. I will have to master this letting go.

Letting go of shame. It does not sound like much. It may not even be what is thought of as the typical fasting for Lent. Yet it feels so right in my heart, and my mind knows how much I need to let it all go.

I am praying that This Reason For The Season of Lent also includes my giving up my shame. Letting it all go to something far more powerful than myself. I will cleanse all my resentments away, all the shame will leave my heart. Not just for the several weeks until Easter Sunday, but for always. My heart will no longer be a buzz with painful shame, and my mind’s self chatter of times gone will be free to be open to just today. Just this moment. Living in splendor with a whole heart, with a mind that can relish the now, and a spirituality that is quiet and free.

Good bye Old Shame, its been real.