Screaming At The Top Of My Voice

 ~

“Saw the world turning in my sheets,  and once again I cannot sleep”

Losing some ground in a fight to keep a life

Fighting to stay in control of the progress made over many mountains and turning tides.

Forgetting the panic that sets me aside

forgetting the fear

 Am not in charge.

Never was.

Walking down the streets of options and second chances.

Am not in charge

Fighting the knee-jerk reactions to the enemy

Instead needing the heavenly place we look to tend our selves.

Wishing for stars to ride on through the storms.

There is no place left feeling to go. No option that will leave the enemy at the door.

Remembering the rights that are now proving to seem so wrong.

“My mind is muddy, my heart heavy , does it show?”

Feeling as if losing track of that loses me, having choices taken away.

Am not in charge.

And some thing sent into fight has lost its worth, leaving in its place a hollowness that defies

still comes back and threatens in the night.

Pain has been my enemy, said to be in the fight of my life

Not asking for a second chance at life, just let this one not be full of such strife

Screaming at the top of my voice.

“Give me reason, but don’t give me choice?

I’ll take choice,and throw reason for another season.

I’ll make the same mistakes again

Pain Free Days, someday we will meet

“Maybe talk but not speak”

“I’m not asking for a second chance”

Not buying the promise,

Cause there is no promise that pain can keep.

“And the reflection troubles me”

Am not in charge. Never was.

“And so here I go….”

Morning Star Hear me roar!

©tjhelser  2012

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15 thoughts on “Screaming At The Top Of My Voice

    • Hi Julie,
      I know you’ll write the peo when the words reach you. I have always wrote, but poetry never my forte. This came to me from no where all of a sudden and I knew it was huge and catharitic for me. Thank you for your kind comment. Coming from a teacher of poetry seems to have some real validity.

  1. Hi Baroness!
    Your blog is great – thank you.
    You nominated me for that award but not sure if I have time to follow the rules to get it yet – so hope it’s okay if I do it later? I don’t know how these things work!
    I really appreciate your comments on my blog and your wonderful generosity of spirit.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    Juliexx

    • Ahhh.. Julie, I feel so bad. I should have been clear that you do not need to feel obligated to do any such thing as the so called requirements of said award. Just enjoy! Sit back (ha!)……anyway… and bask in your readership.

      Its the Awarder’s choice whether her awardee has no obligation. And this Awarder sdays “No Way! If said awardee has time on her hands (again Ha!) she is obligated to do something really kind and loving for herself. Only for her.

      Happy Sunday to you Dear Lady~

  2. Beautiful!

    I love the poem.

    But you may find it interesting that even though I very much feel your struggle and your pain, I am sitting here smiling at another of our cosmic coincidences.

    My grandmother’s name is Opal. Opal Hodges Williams.

    I kid you not!

    Sweetheart with whatever you are struggling keep telling your story; we need to hear it because in listening we know we are not alone.

    I love you sweet lady.

    • You bring tears of comfort to this Baronesses. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have this community with you. And the cosmic coincidences are treasures I hold close to my heart…..
      Thank you!

      Love too that we have this commonality in so many ways. I’ve missed you, worried about you. Is it just that I missed postings or have you been MIA?

      You are the sweetest message to my eyes, please don’t stay away so long.

      • Well the truth is receiving my disability hearing date turned the foundation on which I thought I was built to dust for a few weeks.

        I have been writing I just have not been publishing.

        Right before the fateful email from my attorney, I had the next few months mapped out. I knew what I wanted and how I wanted to get there. My plan was to be ready to begin seeking a publisher by the end of March-ish. And then….kaboom.

        I’m still not all the way okay.

        This whole process is major trauma to begin with. Frankly, I am really cheesed–okay pissed as hell–that the hearing just had to land at the exact apex of my strength. But as I have thought about it, I realized of couse it had to land on the apex because it is the only way I would really know if I am really strong. My consensus is “shaken but not stirred” but fuming that I have to climb back up to the top again and fuming at being stuck waiting for time to pass.

        On top of all that–as if that wasn’t enough–in gathering my medical records I found my first neurologist failed to mention some rather important things–kidney cyst, spinal tumor, umbilical hernia, bloodwork marked for further study.

        The good news, because I always have to find the purpose and the meaning in all, is I am now approaching my court date with a healthy dose of indignant rage as opposed to the serene confidence I was able to manufacture out of this maddness.

        I have miss you too sweet friend.

      • I am so sorry sweetie going through THE PROCESS was trying to rear its ugly head. I so know the anxiety well. There is nothing worse than to have to be concerned with being credible about pain. Oh wait! Yes there is, to have to worry about what an admind judge thinks.

        And than to find that doctors have been lying to you, or by ommission of facts lying. My old internist tried to sabatoge me I’d discovered. Is it any wonder the medical profession does not want us to have access to our own medical records, if they had there way. I am even more sorry to hear about the additional diagnosis.

        Have you had your hearing yet? Its so much work even with attorney’s. I do hope that through out all of this you have been being incredibly kind to yourself. ??
        Would love for you to keep in touch even if you’re not publishing here at WP.

  3. Girlfriend, get over here so i can make you some tea and pumpkin bread….and play Peter, Paul, and Mary music ever so softly. I so wish your pain could leave you forever….or at least for a really long time. God bless your day, honey. Know that you are deeply loved….you are one sensational lady. One moment at a time; that’s all you have to do; one moment at a time.

    • I’m on way Kate just as soon as I can see through my tears.Put on the teapot, warm up the stereo. You touched my heart so deeply.
      Taking one moment at a time, sometimes at a second, a second. Thank God for my faith. Its what keeps me lifted during times like last night.
      Thanks you dear friend.

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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