Some Kind Of Wish ~ Something More

I’ve been pondering some about the idea behind Christmas Wish Lists lately. It’s that time of year after all.

Are they a tradition in your family? Your inner circle, your tribe? I’d really like to share with me if you do Wish Lists and what’s on your list.

I’ve been wondering what a woman of my era who really does not need or want a thing in this world; and who despite having a tendency for an occasional bout of melancholy am basically happy. What do I put on my wish list this year? Because typically in my immediate family there is no getting around not providing a wish list to each other. So what does a woman who has it all ask for?

A personal wish?

I could ask for better health, for some magic elf to find the solution to the chronic pain & fatigue which has enveloped my life at times. No always, but most certainly at times. I could wish for better things for my children and grand children because God and their parents know how much they could use the help.

But this year my wish list is being a bit more earthy. A bit more along the philosophical kind. And I don’t mind. I’m not even ashamed. No guilt trip to be ridden.

This year I am putting one thing and one thing alone on my Wish List.

The one thing I am listing and wishing for maybe Santa alone can deliver. I believe. Not just this year,I am a woman who believes in the magic of Old Saint Nicolas. Or Santa Claus to some.

♪♫♪ My only wish for Christmas this year. ♪♫♪

” What difference [does] it make if the thing [I‘m] scared of is real or not?” ~ Toni Morrison”

I have but one wish this Christmas. It may be a difficult thing to find, but I am wishing anyway.

My wish is to finally find comfort in who I am. To no longer have the fear that one day the real “ugly” authentic me will be unveiled. My wish is to put away all childish things, including such self-doubt after all these years.

The fear that the niceness of which I have always strived to express will one day burn out and the new light will shine on the true honesty of my feelings. No more cover-ups of niceties just to save face. Really. Meet head on the more unkind feelings I may own.

In no way do I mean or intend this to be about pity, pouty, or even self-serving. Not in any way. Just the facts.

The fear that I’m really not good enough, smart enough, likeable enough, healthy enough, pain-free enough,….blah, blah, blah… leaves me with still feeling the need of being the nice guy. So much to make up for, don’t you know.

God forbid someone see me being angry, hurt, or feeling lost even amongst a crowd. The finality of all of my authentic self who has been afraid to come clean about what I really may be feeling is frightening enough that putting a fake smile on my lips has become habit. Becomes who people see.

I am frightened that if I let that cat out of the bag there will be insult, offense. That if a true emotion is expressed it may hurt or offend, and there for be a justified reason to turn away. Even without intent on my part I discover I am afraid to show what is real for fear of abandonment of any kind. Doesn’t matter in what way, a perceived slight could make me ponder for days. I know where this comes from but it makes little difference in how I address this fear.

If I am not all those things, pretty, smart, always kind, healthy, pain-free, wear a smile not a frown, NICE, if I am not all those things and more how can I possibly be liked, let alone loved? If I keep up the front no one leaves, no love is pulled, I am truly loved at last. Right?

The question that wisdom still fails to answer for me is why is my spiritual faith not enough to heal the scar that has left a life long fear? I am never worried or fearful of God abandoning me. This may be the one perfect pure thing I know and trust. This I know. Yet it’s disturbing my authentic soul that I’m still almost waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I realize now that the quiet buzz of anxiety is about this old childhood fear. Or is it a childhood fear alone?

This is the wish I have this Christmas, Dear St Nick: This my biggest fear. And even though I am wiser than I know, I am still unable to get over this one. That love/people can be pulled away in an instant if you’re just not good enough is teen angst, and I am far from being a teen. It’s been far time to give up this childish fear.

Yet it thrives, this fear.

Despite for instance; having my soul mate as my life partner and spouse for over 40 years I still live with the fear that one day he’ll get fed up with the REAL me and just bolt. One would think that after 4 decades there would be a sense of trust developed between the two.

And This has nothing to do with him or his actions. He’s the most kind loving man any woman could pray for.

There is, and always has been trust on every level but this deep authentic layer of myself that I am still trying to excavate from the ruins of my past. This is my stuff, my unhealthy issue. The frightening worry that after having to cope with a partner in life whose been chronically ill for more years than we’ve been married is one day he’ll just burn out. This is my demon from long ago and it still screams at me in the dark.

Yet he faithfully and devoutly puts up with me and all I encompass.

Knowing that I am a women of substance and abundance; and believing that I need to get past this to a point where I am able to finally accept the passionate woman I am, this is my wish this Christmas.

To get past this, to give it up once and for all-knowing all along it’s been nothing but my own negative tapes playing from long ago. Without shame or embarrassment, and with trust with no doubts that I am the woman God intends me to be. To live my life with intention and faith in all things good, even me.

The smile I’m wearing today is one that I wear with simple honesty and transparency, just as I wear a face of sadness on days that I may feel low or in more pain than I can hide. This is me.

With warning I can say that who I am, who I have grown to become is someone who should maybe come with a kind of disclaimer:

Possibly a road sign:

“ REAL FEELINGS AT WORK HERE! “

~ ENTER AT YOUR RISK~

My wish is to just be me. To not fake smiles, or accept hurtful unkindness from others like it’s my place to be dumped on. As if it’s purposeful to take it with a smile. To be the kind and loving woman I am without having to pretend is my wish.

My wish and hope this Christmas is I get into my own skin, like it there just as it is. And wear it proudly. No need to make changes just so others always see the sweet kind Baroness. It’s time to put away the childish ways with fake smiles, and bring out the authentic grins that come from the more truer me.

To trust myself enough to stop being so damn nice to others just because I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. This is what I wish for this Christmas. The gift of the Authentic Me~

So when I’m smiling you’ll know it’s real, it’s honest. The smile is meant for you because you touched me in a way that creates honest laughter and joy within my heart.

Inspires a smile so real, and so from my heart.

 

{Random thoughts spoke out loud become purposeful dreams and aspirations on a sleepless night.}

©tjhelser

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16 thoughts on “Some Kind Of Wish ~ Something More

  1. It’s interesting reading, now, what I wrote here last year. As it happens, I didn’t go to Paris for Christmas this year, that was clearly some wishful thinking (if wishes were horses!) but I did spend some time in London earlier in the year – my first time to Europe – so I suppose I’m content with that. Paris remains a wish, for now. 🙂

    Anyway, I came by to say Merry Christmas, Baroness, and a very happy new year to you and yours! Blessings.

    • My Dear Kat,
      i just the last week realized after receiving your delightful comment that you had been knocked out of me reader to deliver your post “Never”! this has happened over & over to me recently. No excuse though.

      I am absolutely charmed that you went back a year ago and read this post and your comment again. What a delightful idea. Because you did so I have reread what I penned back then
      I find it interesting that the same personal journey I wrote about back then has finally come to fruition in my life. In fact a good friend and I were just talking about the same topic but this post was not part of my thoughts How wonderfully serendipitous Kat. i love that you did this, I love the impact you have had on me. Thank you so very much,

      How envious I am that you were in the UK. I have a strong desire to go but it would not be London. I would want to go to a tiny a village in the ancient New forest.
      Here is to us both having our dreams that we chase caught within our own grasps.
      Happy New Year my friend, I am ever so grateful you stopped by.~

      • I’m seeing this so much later on! Still, blessings and much happiness to you this new year. It was a pleasure reading your words a year later. Reading what we both wrote reminded me of a few things at just the right time.

        Hopefully you’ll be able to go check out that village in the New Forest some time in the near future. Amen to having our dreams that we chase caught within our own grasps. Cheers.

  2. Oh my dear friend! Another coincidence–not surprising.

    Someone recently told me something to the effect of “Why is it the good, never know their goodness while the really awful seem to always be shouting to the world how great they are.”

    She made that remark after the event which inspired me to focus back on the noise of my heart.

    I have been reflecting on it ever since.

    The answers elude me for the most part but I do suspect we suffer from the need to be perfect and have perfect thinking.

    I can’t think someone is a pain in the ass because I’m all about being positive so instead I try to “fix” them.

    I can’t scoff at the person without a clue because I’m all about being positive so instead I try to “fix” them.

    Well this very wise Santa-looking man who was selling handcut and painted wooden Christmas ornaments reminded me of something. “You can’t fix stupid, no matter how hard you try.” Of course we weren’t talking about my latest assult to my own self-esteem and in fact I do not recall what he was talking about when he said it but it really did hit me.

    But I also cannot confront a couple of really awful situations (one which my therapist says I am having a PTSD response to) because I am afraid.

    A few years back I learned something very important about myself. I am more likely to be a “reactionary communicator” than an “actionary communicator.” And I learned my self-esteem is the same way. Except I am learning to take more action where it is concerned. But I think because I am a re-actor I suffer needlessly because I seem to just wait for pain instead of saying, “hey butthead”…even if I need to say that to myself.

    Dear friend, I understand the need to feel “I am enough” on a Divine level but I have been wondering of late if that is healthy? Isn’t the implication of “enough” a universal enough? Meaning enough for all things, people and circumstances.

    I read something in “Walden” a few days ago, “Students go to universities to study philosophy but there are no longer philosophers.”

    My philosophy….I am. Period.

    I am…..glad you are my friend.

    • My dear Lady you honor me. Why is enough just not enough?
      For women of this world who find their identity in anything se but the authentic Identity of themselves I believe this is age old question. One that each generation of women go into hoping they will be the generation that find the enlightenment needed.

      W. Somerset Maugham who I am treating myself to a revival of said;
      “It’s a funny thing about Life. If you refuse to settle for anything less than best, that’s what it will give you”

      I believe that we are all [women] with a pasts. We have multiple events (read: hurts & pains) in our past that need healing, that have left scars. We cannot, we must not let these events sink us. What is so tender and still painful we will grow from. We just cannot see this at the time of course. The soul is healing as we must keep searching. And I so strongly believe that we as women must continue to band together however we can and trek these journey’s together. That our strength is something so powerful when shared that what seems unsurpassable one day, may seem only become the tiny annoying Stone under foot.

      Becoming women with pasts is great achievement. Let us always keep in mind that it’s the journey after all, not the destination.

      in closing let me share with you, let me say that I am here lending my empowerment, lending my strength…..

      “Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still.” ~Merle Shain

      Please be kind to yourself!

  3. Been there, Baroness. And ultimately found my way through it. It’s a cliche, but all too true: somehow you must come to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself the way you forgive others. Because that “monster” in you is no greater than any of the “monsters” you have already forgiven in others.

    Here’s something I wrote on an old weblog many years ago that you might find of interest:

    Work, Grace, and the Potential for Release through Forgiveness

    http://tinyurl.com/fibroforgiveness

    • Thank you Fabulous for the link. I was greatly touched and lifted by your post regarding forgiveness. It sounds so easy yet difficult to do. I thought on so many levels I’d forgiven myself after years of therapy as a young adult.

      I have been contemplating adding some therapy to the more mature me, maybe the real work needing to be done is something I can work out on my own if only I include Forgiveness formyself this time.
      I appreciate your input Fabulous.

  4. Oh Girl….I hope Santa brings you your ‘Christmas Wish’ this year….all tired up in a beautiful bow of brillaint colors. Each one representing the wonderful attributes that you have always possessed but may have lost faith in having due to circumstances beyond your control. You ARE enough….just as you are! I know it is natural to feel unsure of ones mate/lover when we see so many relationships go up in smoke, but you Ms Baroness are one bodacious woman on so many levels that your Dear Mr D knows what a catch he has in you…..as you know what you have in him. He has his “stuff”, like you do but you two are smart enough to know that your history, family you made together, admiration for each other…maybe not for the same things, but it’s there none the less….perhaps you are together to balance each other out, the companionship and reliance on each other….and LOVE you’ve managed to keep alive for 40 years speaks volumes to the world that you two are in it for the long run and as long as you “believe” that’s the best for you, then the powers that be will help keep that your reality. Just “Believe”….and love of course~

    The other matter of feeling like you must always be ‘nice’ to compensate what ever shortcomings you percieve having, is an unfortunate one that many have, but what is worse in my opinion are those who think too highly of themselves and don’t even consider the feelings of others. Is it that they don’t care if the other peson dislikes them by what they may say, or they’re too involved in their own agenda to even worry? We know there is a place between the two of these that is where we all should strive to be. I think some of us are just very sensitive to our words and actions and don’t want to offend or hurt…and really, that’s not a bad place to be coming from, as long as the person on the other end it worthy of your kindness. I say, always give the benefit of doubt…until shown differently. At our age My Twin, we need to realize our own worth and treat ourselves with the respect we give others so easily and sometimes regrettably. Those that don’t deserve our thoughtfulness perhaps should be given a bit of their own medicine…it just might be the wake-up call they need to start becoming considerate human beings, such as ourselves. Again, I will repeat (something I heard on Oprah’s Life Classes) ‘You are enough….just as you are’ We really are, you know….just ‘believe’~

    • My dear, dear, Florida woman~ You melt away all the questioning this twin of yours spends too much time dwelling on. Your words of support and encourgaemet always light the path so when the fork in the path appears I know which way to go. How is that you being so far away geographically means nothing when your closeness feels right next to me.

      Thanks you for always being here for me, how did I ever deal with life before you?

  5. Love what you said. I don’t think there is a person in the world who hasn’t felt that way at one time or another in varying degrees. Grant yourself your own wish in increments. Trying out what you want to really say a little bit at a time. It sounds like you are a wonderful person who has been the shining light that has gathered and created a strong and loving family around you. Well said.

    • Thanks Terri for your support and encourgement. I simply adore your suggestion of trying out what I want to express in small bits at a time.
      My family is my Rock of course, one that I may take for granted too often. After having a tear fest with my youngest adult daughter this weekend I realized just how much I have to be proud of. If I did nothing else “right’ in this life I did more than right in raising two more adults that this world can count on.

  6. Strangely, perhaps – or not, I too am past the age of “Teen Angst” (ok possibly not too much) but I can relate totally to what you’re saying. I have had a lot happen in the few years I’ve been here already. And I too try to paint the smile on, say the nice things and bite my tongue on more than one occasion. “I’m fine” is a much used phrase – often because I feel that burdening others will result in the abandonment of which you speak. Maybe it is the lingering youth, sometimes I slip, say things that have been held back, unleash the honesty, but I am left with guilt (why should we feel bad for being truthful?) I think we could all use a little of what you wish for friend. I really do.

    • I so wish for those of who (and I think there are many of us)who have a difficult time moving past this fear that we could just see what we see in one another.
      I am still in my mid life wondering like you;
      “say things that have been held back, unleash the honesty, but I am left with guilt (why should we feel bad for being truthful?)”
      My question too that all the wisdomm of my years has not yet asnwered. Why?
      My wish for you too my gentle friend is that we no longer fear the words we feel..

  7. I truly identify with your fear. It’s surreal reading your words, because I know I feel them on a daily basis. “The fear that I’m really not good enough, smart enough, likeable enough, healthy enough, pain-free enough” … I know I identify. does it even go away, that fear? I sure hope it does. ‘Cause often it makes me feel ‘unreal’… and just this morning I’ve been asking myself who is the real me, who am I? The self-doubt, I tire of it. Looking at me, no one would guess… which makes it hard, I mean whom are you going to tell ‘I feel unreal, what do you think?’ Over here people don’t even talk like that much, really. In western culture people are more open about their feelings and over here we are prone to say ‘they feel too much, exaggerate even.’ We have no right, I know. Maybe we are only judging what Hollywood shows us.
    That love/people can be pulled away in an instant if you’re just not good enough is only teen angst? I’m not so sure, Baroness, I really am not. Maybe it’s just a recent loss that has made a bit of a cynic of me. It’s a real pleasure your husband has stayed by you through it all. To me it’s speaks of your worth, too and not just his. 40 years is a long time, he must be a great man 🙂 and you’re certainly a strong, great woman, living through your pain and finding and giving happiness, still.

    Listening to Joseph Prince on TBN this morning, I was reminded that the self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness is often, if not always, the devil accusing as he always does. Because of Jesus, the devil cannot accuse me to God anymore, as he did Job. But he can still accuse me to me. And so he does. I mustn’t let him. I can never be perfect, but I try. I can never be as good, as righteous as God but Jesus justifies me. He knew even before I was that I could never justify myself, so He does it. Still the devil keeps accusing, drilling it into my head that I’m not good enough and hoping I believe it and it gets me down, stops me from enjoying the fruits of my salvation to the fullest. I was reminded of this message today, and I’ll keep remembering it whenever these feelings start rising in me. I am more than a conqueror by the power of His love 🙂

    Your question… the Christmas wishlist. Ha, I want to laugh a little 🙂 Over here (I’m Ugandan) Christmas presents under the tree and all that are just not that big a part of the culture. Christianity is itself foreign to Africa in a sense, although majority of us are now christians. Christmas time here’s what happens. Everyone’s feeling the season (I’d have said merry, but I’m not sure everyone’s merry). Anyway, we put up Christmas trees, decorate them. No presents under the tree to open on Christmas morning. That we only see in the movies about you guys 🙂 A few days before Christmas the parents will usually buy kids new clothes and shoes. These they will wear to church Christmas morning. Or at least that’s what happened in my home growing up, and by the look of things it’s what happened in most families that could afford it. Fathers and mothers (themselves being somebody’s children) buy their parents clothes for Christmas, too. These are usually the traditional outfits called gomesi (ladies) and kanzu (gents). To this they’ll add money to buy the tonnes of food that’ll be cooked at Christmas, or they’ll just buy the stuff and take it to the grandparents.The wife also expects a gomesi from her husband every Christmas, and the husband buys it. Wives are good at buying their hubbies presents so they’ll get them whatever they feel they’ll like. The usual may be a pack of briefs, wallet, usual things women buy men. I’m yet to hear of a woman buy a man a kanzu. Ha ha, there’s probably a taboo in our culture against that, lol. I’ll check.

    The kids just enjoy the entire season’s experience, and do the housework and the duties expected of them as children. They don’t get each other anything. No wish lists from or to anyone. Well, I guess depending on the family and their means, these days kids may suggest to their parents what they want for Christmas. Some families are more westernised, we say. I actually wouldn’t be surprised to find the presents under the tree norm in someone’s home here. No, actually I would be. Lol. And so would my entire family. We would return to our own home eager to merrily discuss the ‘new phenomenon’ we just witnessed, and how “oh please, they really just had to copy the entire ‘TV christmas act’ “. Lol. I’m laughing already. It’s just a little alien if done hear. Christmas here is characterised by receiving new clothes, wearing these new clothes to church where the numbers that day are unbelievable, and lots of food with the entire family. The message of giving to the needy is also emphasised, as with everywhere else in the world during the festive season.

    The new clothes are the Christmas presents. Absent family doesn’t get anything, though. The aunt abroad, etc. The new clothes culture ends when the kids grow… I think. I ‘m not sure how much longer my dad would have kept the culture… we lost him the year I was to turn 18.

    It’s a lovely time, Christmas. I usually buy myself something. Last year it was a beautiful rug for my living room… this year loads of lingerie 🙂 Maybe next year I’ll go to Paris. Ha ha.

    Merry Christmas!

    • Merry Christmas Kat! And I mean this most sincerely to you. Maybe more so than anyone else I’ll make that wish to this season. You have humbled me in more ways than I can express and given me the gift of travel to another culture. How exciting it is for me to have my own small sheltered world opened up to the unknown for me. Thank you.

      I am fascinated by other cultures than my own, even here in the states I am intrigued by the differences between how I live on the west coast to the way my beloved friend’s of the east coast live. I hope you can imagine or feel at least some of the rich adventure your communications bring.

      It’s interesting and at the same time validating to me that we are all consumed at times by this fear of not being good enough. I am grateful of your sharing that particular story about Job. I am reminded that although I never doubt God’s love and plans for me I do forget that HE made me in His image. However can We doubt knowing and trusting that, and not know we’re good enough?

      Your sharing with me is something fiercely special. I cannot put my finger on exactly why or what it is. On a spiritual level I know it’s enough. I know it’s good enough~ Thank you friend!

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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