Archive | December 2011

Liebster Award ~ Gift of Surprises

“Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly tenderly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.”

This Makes me smile and I shall never forget why…..

A Liebster Award? Really?

I am quite stunned and blown away. Being new to blogging and the community I have found that exist I never even knew about has been an amazing delight.

I have met so many good people who have enriched my world. And to be given an award is not something I ever expected to come my way. I’ve seen these blog awards of course but never paid much attention to the whys and what for’s on how nominations were made. Now I know.

Thank you to my Liebster Friend;  http://halfwaybetweenthegutterandthestars  I’m so grateful for you thinking of me. I left the love on your post too but I ‘d like you to know that you made my day. Actually you’ve made my year as this is the last day of 2011. If you somehow have passed her blog, or missed it I highly suggest taking a peek at what she writes, what parts of herself she gives us. Believe me when I say this woman writes from deep inside herself, often pulling from within herself such emotional things that most of us are fearful of even discussing out loud. I’m grateful. I’m most humblled by this woman’s gift of daring to go there…. go where most will not. I think she’s brave, very brave.

My genuine thanks to those who read and follow my blog. I started out writing just for myself as a young child, keeping journals, diaries, steno- books, anything I could keep the volumes of my strings of words. As an adult I still keep journals and I also began writing and keeping files on my computer for a very personal story I am writing. A friend who knows me, knows what I write suggested a blog. May I insert here that I am a child of the 60’s and 70’s?  Home Computers were something this Mother Earth Lady was never going to have in her organic home. Ha!

 Enter Chronic Illness into my life which brought with it chronic pain and fatigue. Employment was out of the question, a brand new city in a brand new state with no one but my husband and my once a week housekeeper to talk with led me to investigate home computers at my husband’s urging. Having found the community that the World Wide Web brings opened up a whole new world to me. One that saved me from isolation and introduced me to a new community. I first started writing about my illness and the need for acceptance and before I knew it I had become a strong advocate for women who are fighting the good fight of living with chronic pain and fatigue every day and the biases that we as women face even in this field. 

 I am very grateful for the progression of my spirit and my soul through the accepting process and the birth of my new life. I am grateful for my writing that descends into realms I never expected.

Before the rules and nominations let me just say that there are so many people in my blog community that deserve awards like this. It was not an easy task choosing just five. I believe each of you who pass by my blog, who take the time to comment, blogger’s I follow, you all deserve to be recognized.

Mercifully it’s almost a New Year. With 2012 will come more opportunities for awards.

Now for The Liebster Award Rules and nominations:

 The Meaning; Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest,dearest, beloved, lovely, kindly, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

The rules for the Liebster Blog Award are:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.

2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you.

3. Copy & paste the blog award on your blog

4. Reveal your 5 blog picks.

5. Let them know you choose them by leaving a comment on their blog.

And The Nominations are…………

Fibromyalgia It’s a Real Pain

Terri O A.

The Cosmic Carousel

Strange Trip Times

Daily Sweet Peas

[I pray that I following all the rules correctly. I’m still working on #3 placing the award on my blog. I obviously know how to insert an image in my post’s, but putting an image on my blog I have not figured out yet. I’m working on it….]

©tjhelser

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Straight From Selfishness…. To BLISS

[authors note: This was started days ago. I was unable to complete this in one or even two settings. Finding the words I needed to express this has been difficult only because there is so much involved.  I am hoping the date in this piece will have little meaning to the reader. My hope is that not only will this document my strong feelings it may also open hearts that may be closed.]

Today is the early morning of 28th of December. …..

Three days post-Christmas Day……

Seven days post my most selfish time.  Seven days  later a more grateful self who is experiencing the Bliss of Christmas Spirit.  Far from the feelings of pain and self-centeredness. Fast away from the woman whose heart-felt like she could take on anything. Far away with selfish wants of the woman who just last week sat in my soul.

I have been gifted many wonderful things this Christmas.  Things.  Things that can be touched, peered upon, listened to, worn, and even things I can turn into creative expressions of myself.  These are amazing gifts of love from my small inner world of those who care enough to take the time to find ways to express their feelings for me. Is there a better way to show your expression of love for someone?

I think so. I know so. And this that I have to say in no way detracts from the love expressed to me through sweet gifts of love from my family, my”FRamily”, my friend’s, and even those in my community who may never know how much I appreciate their gifts of love. I needed to qualify that. It is important that I do so. before moving on.

I asked is there any better way to show your expression of love for someone? We all know that gifts of materials are great, and often even necessary gifts. Such as receiving a Sunday best once a year, or a gift of a warm blanket in an environment where it’s cold and snows often.  But what about gifts of love, kindness, strength, and courage of one’s self to a friend, when her sky is falling in?

 I adore the nightgowns I received this year from my family who are privy to the fact that I am never more comfortable than I am when I am in comfy cozy jammies. If I could live full-time in them I would. I love the thoughtfulness that was obviously put into the gifts I received this year. How truly spoiled I feel. How loved and even maybe treasured I feel.

 But I almost missed it all.

Selfishness has it’s purpose. But maybe this is not what you think I mean.  I do not mean that by being selfish you will get what you think you so selfishly are asking for. But what I do mean, and am trying to express through sharing a very personal experience is that times of selfishness can be warning signs if you really listen to your heart, and even maybe what someone who loves you is saying. 

 Acts of selfishness, times of being selfish, or feeling selfish can really be signals to the brain and heart that something quite valuable is missing from your core.  I know because I recently experienced a meltdown of the classic form; with self discoveries that then were expressed in such selfish ways that even I began to loath what I was doing. Who I was becoming.  I just seemed unable to stop myself.

Let it suffice to say for privacy reasons of others involved that I – Me – was feeling pretty low. I had begun to let what others were doing reflect upon myself and when I was either not satisfied, or I was disappointed I began to withdraw.

 I need to preface the rest of this for those who may not know I have an illness that involves the central nervous system. Because of this I have a very low threshold for stimulus. My beloved husband and I have tried to create an environment  where I am able to conserve the parts of me which can quickly begin to spiral downward by symptoms spiking in severity. These kind of lifestyle changes allow me to have some sense of a life that is similar to the one I had prior to Chronic Illness.  But it can be a steep & windy journey to keep this environment on an even keel. And lately it’s been disrupted by stressors out of my control. I allowed them to take me down, to let the selfish needs of my own break into everything else in my enviroment and surroundings. I allowed my own selfish feelings to effect what was happening around me and to those I love dearly, and are in a real sense my life. My Family.

I began to let my own selfish feelings of what I saw as betrayal take me down the long slippery slope to depression. Dark clouds, and dull sounds.

 And it was Christmas Time.

Gifts come in many forms as I said before. The most amazing magical gifts cannot be seen,  cannot be smelled, cannot be purchased, or even put under the tree. This kind of gift is Heaven Sent. And it can be felt, touched, heard, and shared.  This is a gift of selflessness from someone who I know without a doubt  that God sent my way. 

Through this gift of actions of love and kindness from maybe one of the most selfless and giving soul’s I know the issues that I was reacting to were addressed in a loving but also a very honest way. This gift from my friend helped me to turn my selfishness into a sense of real bliss. A real gift  that I needed more than anything else during this Holy Holiday. A Gift sent from Heaven above via an angel disguised as my closest and best friend sent to be near me. Sent to help me process the strange emotions that were enveloping my very soul.

I am blessed to be a woman with abundant friends who care and are willing to share. Each of these 4 very special women (one is my “late in life twin”) have impacted me in ways I’ll never be able to thank them for.I hope and pray that they know how much their support, unconditional love, and advice means to me. That I hear their voices while processing during times that I struggle is incredible. Yet ironically the lessons I needed were being expressed by each of these women in different ways. I listened, I absorbed. Slowly….so slowly…..

Aapparently I needed to be physically but figuratively slapped. In person. And out of the four women just one lives close enough to do the job.

In a time of unusual darkness that I was experiencing and that is so unlike who I am, I began to lose myself. I began to feel broken. In my 5 decades of living I have always put others before myself. I don’t say this to be self-serving. Trust me after this last week – or maybe it’s been a month there is nothing that I care to do, or say, that has an intent to be self-serving. I tried that on for a week or so and it’s not a right fit for me. But non the less I made everyone close to me and in my path be aware that I was hurting emotionally. And I led them to feel it was their fault!

It is an ugly feeling that these actions of selfishness were feeling deserved, that somehow because I was not feeling heard this was my right. That to feel the pain of what  felt  like a broken heart, along with the physical pain from a chronic illness is not that of a well mind. It was of a broken mind that was trying to bridge the pain from my heart to  brain. When my brain could take no more it broke. I broke. You have to know that I am not one who cries for herself.  I rarely spend time looking inward, instead I  try to spend it looking out for others who are living lives with purpose.  I try to live my life with purpose. I am not one who is prone to any kind of melancholy, or a nose turned just inward. But for this week I did.

Apparently even women living lives of purpose can break too. And my most amazing gift this Christmas came from a close friend who shared with me that I was not alone in what I was feeling. Why is it that it comforts us to just be made aware that we are not alone in?  That others feel pain too comforts us? Odd. 

 The most valuable gift this friend gave me along with her devoted friendship is the gift of “Bliss” returned. Through tears and even some laughter she helped me find the straight road to my journey again. She helped me in ways she may not know,ways that let me find my way off that windy & slippery slope. Talking and sharing, reminding each other that women like us (she & I ) were born to sacrifice the materialistic things in life.  That we have the presence to know that material things have no true meaningful or significant meaning in our lives. The true gifts of value for women like us are gifts of others.

This gift was to gently remind and help me to see that being disappointed  by others; or even if  my own moral code is different, this no reflection on who I am.  That my honest and real feelings are ones that can be validated, but maybe by a close friend and not necessarily by the ones who I expected it from. That this kind of validation is just as viable, and just as heart-felt. I needed to see that what I was feeling , what I felt was lacking was really lacking from my own heart. Only I could find the way to replace what was missing. Only I could either allow or disallow that which put me in the vehicle I was traveling in down the slippery road.

 Yet this is not to say or imply that we are women who are willing to be doormats.  We know that God and the Universe intends for us to be women with strong faith and with hopes that what is truly important to our lives with purpose will be worth waiting for. Asking for, and looking for,  in ways that may not be just exactly what we asked for.  It is not vital that we have it all now. Or that it comes just in the form of which we asked for. 

This heartfelt gift from this friend came out of the blue, when I know she was most busy with activities that are for gifts to her own family and her community. People who are our local homeless, people who live in our local assisted living homes,  families having to be away from home and having the need for our local Ronald McDonald house during the holidays; and many more receive gifts from this dear friend of mine. Every year.

I know many who would never admit it but they count on those cookies coming from this incredible woman. I can only imagine the smiles that she and her also amazing husband (Santa) must receive when they deliver piles of warm blankets that have been compiled for a couple of weeks in their home. This friend of mine has a heart of gold, one that God must be so proud of. And she does all this good with no expectations, with a smile and grace of someone of the likes I have never known before.

My friend is a blessing in my life. And through her gracious love and faith I was able to grasp back on to the Holiday Bliss that was missing from my heart. How dark and cold my heart & home felt that day. And how warm and inviting it became again after her visit that evening. A slight warm and gentle slap.  With it she left warmth, and bliss back into my heart, and back into my home.

This was an act of great love and kindness, this was where Real Bliss can be found again. In the heart’s of a very good friends who have the willingness to give, to reach out and touch with their own warmth and love.  Reigniting what is there but maybe had dwindled down to embers for whatever reasons, leaving behind fires of warmth and love to burn again. Sometimes a gentle nudge, or a gentle touch of flame to your own smoldering heart is all that is needed. You may not even realize it. 

This has been a most amazing Christmas. And not because of the material gifts.

Happy New Year to you all!!!!!

Postscript:

{Dear QM, I know you are shaking your head and even possibly blushing. I just needed to be able to express in my own way the gift of Christmas and bliss you helped put back in my heart is a gift that I will remember always. Spending spoons you did not have a great supply of is something I can never replace for you. Although I wish I could. I wish I could wish my spoon stash your way, that it is that easy. Thank you.}

[ Dear Family; I love every wonderful and thoughtful gift that you gave with such love & thoughtfulness. I am almost embarrassed. You truly spoil me. ]

{ Dear Friends of my four, please know that you standing by me no matter what has no less meaning or impact than if you were here. You just could not reach out and give me the “Thanks I needed that” slap in person.

©tjhelser

My New Pillow = Restful Nights

Sounds like an odd post right? A Pillow? Read on if you dare….

If I have you this far it’s because you too do not sleep well. I need to say that I’ve no clue if this is ethical per WordPress (WP), or if my friends here at WP will be offended that I so openly and brazenly endorse and advertise something that has changed my nights.

But for the cause I’m doing it anyway. I am someone who lives with pain day and night. Just like millions do, and just like a large percentage of bloggers here at WP do. Not being able to have a restful nights sleep is huge. It is one key element of my coping skills that I need to rely on. If I am unable to sleep and get away from the pain mentally for at least 4 hours at night I am no good to anyone. And if that kind of night continues into 2, 3 and even 4 nights or more I become unable to cope at all. My threshold diminishes drastically. I need to sleep.

Part of why I don’t sleep well is because I have spine disease in my neck. I have had a fusion with a Titanium plate in 2001. I have stenosis and osteoarthritis above and below my fusion. As my doctor states my ” spine is wearing out above and below the fusion. The symptoms are many and the impairment on my range of motion are at a maximum. Sleeping at night hs been a war for me for over 25 years, but just getting into a comfortable and restful position has been a nightmare for the last 12 years. Not being able to find a comfortable and supportive position for my neck and upper trunk is imperative to at least resting, even f sleep is not possible. By the end of my days my head is so heavy on my neck and shoulders I am unable to function anymore.I need that rest. And I need not fight for hours just arranging all the pillows on my bed. When I say that I have so many that they often run my husband off into the night is no exaggeration. And it’s no joke.

I have found something so amazing that I have to share. I have been advocating for myself and for others who live their lives in chronic pain every day and night but they try to live with purpose. It is for my comrade’s in the war of insomnia and C/P  that I dare break even my own rule. I never endorse anything to anyone. Just not my style. 

But… I found a pillow that has changed my nights. Has helped change my days.

I need to share this find.  this fantastic weapon I have found against insomnia I need to share. Please trust when I say that I have no interest in this company, no interest in whether a pillow is sold or not.  I just need to tell what an amazing difference this one pillow has made for me.

I am making myself comfortable in a matter of seconds, instead of fighting my herd of pillows and bed covers throughout the night. Not getting even one ounce of rest let alone any hope for real sleep. I am able to climb into bed, lay my head and neck against this pillow, tuck a part of it around both sides of my head, and fall back into it. I am in heaven for the first time that day since rising in the morning.

This pillow is doing everything it claims so far. So much so that I have purchased a second one. I have gone from resting/sleeping in a sitting position to being able to lie down like normal people do. I no longer am struggling with my neck hurting because of no real support. No longer fighting the night because the tingling and feelings of numbness being created from the nerves that are effected keep me from falling asleep.  

Of all the items I have purchased in over 28 years of dealing with one type of physical pain or another this one pillow has made all the difference. One that no other item has. I can think of over a dozen other reasons why someone might benefit from this pillow. But I shall not digress.

Just One Queen Size Pillow.  

[if you are interested in more information or reading about a 10 year warranty on a pillow you can find this and more at www.mypillow.com ]

©tjhelser

To You and Yours

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy Kawanza to all my WordPress sister’s and brothers I’ve had the great gift and pleasure of meeting through our shared words.

Finding you through your blogs has been a vast passion that helps me find my own words to what I feel and what I know. You give me courage and hope that what I am writing has value.

Thank you for that, and the peace I receive from reading your posts. We are one huge community and across the world we are able to find connections that matter.

I believe you are all Christmas Angel’s and you have touched in countless ways. 

Thank you!

A Little Bit Christmas ~ A Whole Lot Commercialism

 

~

Today I’m wondering why the very beginning of the Christmas Commercial trappings have to show their money-grubbing hands before Thanksgiving. Sometimes even before Halloween. And I wonder if in other countries the same thirst for having the next best thing is just as much a curse as it is for us here in the United States. The whole keeping up with the ” Jones” (no offense to any Jones’) and having to have the next newest technology, throwing out the old like it simply has lost any purpose. [That’s a whole other topic, The Throw away Generation.]

I’m thinking maybe here in the US we may celebrate very differently, and with money being at the fore front of celebration expectations.  After I received the most lovely comment from another blogger about her native Uganda and how Christmas is celebrated in her native country the thoughts I’ve carried regarding the capitalistic Christmas that seems to be done so righteously here in the states have been simmering away since.   There the gifts given each year remain the same. No advertised “want to have’s, must haves’,  no brand names & costly wears, no first-rate high-tech gadgets adorn their list. In fact a wish list is even unheard of, and the gifts exchanged are things such as new Sunday Best’s, new shoes, things that are necessary and have a practical sense. In her country the celebration revolves around family and friends spending time together and breaking bread.  As I see the shopping malls, and downtown shoppers fight for parking space like they were at some sort of sport event (the Gladiators come to mind) so they can rush in to purchase the gifts they hope will put them on the top of their receiver’s list. It’s a competition. Who is going to make great grandma cry because she’s touched the most by a gift, which family member is going to sit and mindfully and to him/her self and add up dollar totals to see who was spent the most on.  This instead of being present and being mindful of the closeness of sitting together in the same room and absorbing the family love.

Instead of Christmas being focused on material things in this country unlike our own the focus  in Uganda remains on family, on spirit, and on the blessings of the passing year & of upcoming New Year. How did we lose the real meaning? When did it happen?

 Focus on why we’re celebrating, focus on family, time spent all together and focus on the love we sometimes get so busy to share. This is the only part of the REAL meaning.  The focus here in the US, or at least for the majority of the people here is on who has the best and newest gadget, diamonds and jewels adorning both female & males ears, necks and arms. The latest celebrity brand name item whether it be perfume, clothing or even cookware. Items that have nothing wrong with them but yet the binging  is going to try to bite you bad during this season which should be Holy.

The Holy Season.  Hmmm… I am just not seeing this in my fellow and sister folk alike. There is a constant buzz because the item of the childs wish list cannot be found anywhere so the panic sets in. Really? How long will the disappointment last if the chase for the elusive gift isn’t successful?   The panic sets in while the parents, grand parents, aunts & uncles drive themselves around a wicked crazy parking lot looking for the one spot they need to open up.

I’m not too excited about the idea of gifting items that will be shoved to the back of the closet, donated, or re-gifted this year. Or soon to be forgotten since a new, better, more improved has to be had. Not that I take issue with any of these actions.  Just not after I’ve been in the parking lot trying to park longer than it took me to purchase and have gift wrapped your “Have to have gift” but “will be laid aside tomorrow’ gift. Forgive me if my enthusiasm seems rippled this year. It is.

The cheesy “As seen on TV” products to 5th avenue New York diamond tennis bracelet have me completely worn out and leaving my passion behind. I’ve made one of the most HUGE Christmas mistakes of my life when it comes to gift giving. Not being done by August. I usually start seeing ideas, the perfect gift for ****  right after Christmas and would start tucking away. My main goal aside from pleasing my recipients was to not be in a single store after December 1st. This has always allowed me to enjoy the season rather than fight it. I could see the glorious Christmas lights without being entangled by the sales pitches.

I goofed this year and hardly made my deadline. Maybe this is why my blogging friend’s narrative of how Christmas is spent in Uganda touched me so. I,  could  this year for the first time in close to 30 years out in those parking lot wars, be one that is looking for the greatest and newest. I could be dragging myself and anyone close to me down the merry road of craziness because I am unable to find what I am looking for.

 But I’m not.

I’m not because those thoughts that have been lingering and simmering about capitalistic and commercialized Christmas’ have finally boiled over. Maybe the recall of Uganda’s traditions took my boiling point up.  However it happened I have been blessed with the realization and inner knowledge that Christmas is not any of those things that involve shopping, or even involve the newest and the greatest. I’m apologize  to those whose bubble I just broke. ♥

This year my stresses could be about the gifts. But it’s having no place in my Christmas and Winter Holiday Season. This does not mean I am not gifting this year. I am. But I am going about it in a different way. Rather than get caught up in the ridiculousness of it all I have made the choice to make this year to make it all about why we are gathering in the first place.

This is the time in my family and small world that we celebrate Christ. The “token gifting” that I am giving this year has nothing to do with the latest and greatest. At least by Wall Street standards. Instead each gift will resonate from the gifts that God has brought to the Universe. From wild salmon taken from the seas  to music from voices of angels. These gits may not have the guarantee of being the favorite, or even make the hardest individuals to buy for smile.

This year I don’t mind. This year the lesson from above for me is to see that all that rushing around to purchase gifts that will soon be forgotten is not what it’s about. I knew this all along but frankly did not have the courage to do what I knew was right.  This year I am having the courage to do it differently. I too got caught up in the commercialism of it all.  This year I alone may feel good about what I gave, even if the message intended with each gift is lost on the receiver it will never be lost on me again. 

 I, God, and the Universe will know.

Together we will know that the real meaning of this season is not lost at all. It’s in our hearts where it can create and inspire knowing that  God’s Love will sustain us all year-long.  This is the most touching magical gift of all.

 ♥ I’m wishing you and those who dearest to you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah , & Happy Kwanza! ♥

©tjhelser

Some Kind Of Wish ~ Something More

I’ve been pondering some about the idea behind Christmas Wish Lists lately. It’s that time of year after all.

Are they a tradition in your family? Your inner circle, your tribe? I’d really like to share with me if you do Wish Lists and what’s on your list.

I’ve been wondering what a woman of my era who really does not need or want a thing in this world; and who despite having a tendency for an occasional bout of melancholy am basically happy. What do I put on my wish list this year? Because typically in my immediate family there is no getting around not providing a wish list to each other. So what does a woman who has it all ask for?

A personal wish?

I could ask for better health, for some magic elf to find the solution to the chronic pain & fatigue which has enveloped my life at times. No always, but most certainly at times. I could wish for better things for my children and grand children because God and their parents know how much they could use the help.

But this year my wish list is being a bit more earthy. A bit more along the philosophical kind. And I don’t mind. I’m not even ashamed. No guilt trip to be ridden.

This year I am putting one thing and one thing alone on my Wish List.

The one thing I am listing and wishing for maybe Santa alone can deliver. I believe. Not just this year,I am a woman who believes in the magic of Old Saint Nicolas. Or Santa Claus to some.

♪♫♪ My only wish for Christmas this year. ♪♫♪

” What difference [does] it make if the thing [I‘m] scared of is real or not?” ~ Toni Morrison”

I have but one wish this Christmas. It may be a difficult thing to find, but I am wishing anyway.

My wish is to finally find comfort in who I am. To no longer have the fear that one day the real “ugly” authentic me will be unveiled. My wish is to put away all childish things, including such self-doubt after all these years.

The fear that the niceness of which I have always strived to express will one day burn out and the new light will shine on the true honesty of my feelings. No more cover-ups of niceties just to save face. Really. Meet head on the more unkind feelings I may own.

In no way do I mean or intend this to be about pity, pouty, or even self-serving. Not in any way. Just the facts.

The fear that I’m really not good enough, smart enough, likeable enough, healthy enough, pain-free enough,….blah, blah, blah… leaves me with still feeling the need of being the nice guy. So much to make up for, don’t you know.

God forbid someone see me being angry, hurt, or feeling lost even amongst a crowd. The finality of all of my authentic self who has been afraid to come clean about what I really may be feeling is frightening enough that putting a fake smile on my lips has become habit. Becomes who people see.

I am frightened that if I let that cat out of the bag there will be insult, offense. That if a true emotion is expressed it may hurt or offend, and there for be a justified reason to turn away. Even without intent on my part I discover I am afraid to show what is real for fear of abandonment of any kind. Doesn’t matter in what way, a perceived slight could make me ponder for days. I know where this comes from but it makes little difference in how I address this fear.

If I am not all those things, pretty, smart, always kind, healthy, pain-free, wear a smile not a frown, NICE, if I am not all those things and more how can I possibly be liked, let alone loved? If I keep up the front no one leaves, no love is pulled, I am truly loved at last. Right?

The question that wisdom still fails to answer for me is why is my spiritual faith not enough to heal the scar that has left a life long fear? I am never worried or fearful of God abandoning me. This may be the one perfect pure thing I know and trust. This I know. Yet it’s disturbing my authentic soul that I’m still almost waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I realize now that the quiet buzz of anxiety is about this old childhood fear. Or is it a childhood fear alone?

This is the wish I have this Christmas, Dear St Nick: This my biggest fear. And even though I am wiser than I know, I am still unable to get over this one. That love/people can be pulled away in an instant if you’re just not good enough is teen angst, and I am far from being a teen. It’s been far time to give up this childish fear.

Yet it thrives, this fear.

Despite for instance; having my soul mate as my life partner and spouse for over 40 years I still live with the fear that one day he’ll get fed up with the REAL me and just bolt. One would think that after 4 decades there would be a sense of trust developed between the two.

And This has nothing to do with him or his actions. He’s the most kind loving man any woman could pray for.

There is, and always has been trust on every level but this deep authentic layer of myself that I am still trying to excavate from the ruins of my past. This is my stuff, my unhealthy issue. The frightening worry that after having to cope with a partner in life whose been chronically ill for more years than we’ve been married is one day he’ll just burn out. This is my demon from long ago and it still screams at me in the dark.

Yet he faithfully and devoutly puts up with me and all I encompass.

Knowing that I am a women of substance and abundance; and believing that I need to get past this to a point where I am able to finally accept the passionate woman I am, this is my wish this Christmas.

To get past this, to give it up once and for all-knowing all along it’s been nothing but my own negative tapes playing from long ago. Without shame or embarrassment, and with trust with no doubts that I am the woman God intends me to be. To live my life with intention and faith in all things good, even me.

The smile I’m wearing today is one that I wear with simple honesty and transparency, just as I wear a face of sadness on days that I may feel low or in more pain than I can hide. This is me.

With warning I can say that who I am, who I have grown to become is someone who should maybe come with a kind of disclaimer:

Possibly a road sign:

“ REAL FEELINGS AT WORK HERE! “

~ ENTER AT YOUR RISK~

My wish is to just be me. To not fake smiles, or accept hurtful unkindness from others like it’s my place to be dumped on. As if it’s purposeful to take it with a smile. To be the kind and loving woman I am without having to pretend is my wish.

My wish and hope this Christmas is I get into my own skin, like it there just as it is. And wear it proudly. No need to make changes just so others always see the sweet kind Baroness. It’s time to put away the childish ways with fake smiles, and bring out the authentic grins that come from the more truer me.

To trust myself enough to stop being so damn nice to others just because I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. This is what I wish for this Christmas. The gift of the Authentic Me~

So when I’m smiling you’ll know it’s real, it’s honest. The smile is meant for you because you touched me in a way that creates honest laughter and joy within my heart.

Inspires a smile so real, and so from my heart.

 

{Random thoughts spoke out loud become purposeful dreams and aspirations on a sleepless night.}

©tjhelser

You Do Not Need A Bruise To Be Abused

YOU DON’T NEED A BRUISE TO BE ABUSED.

Because I advocate and have been my entire adult life against child abuse of any kind please let me say that the need for acknowledgment that domestic abuse of any kind in front of, or in children lives leaves huge scars needs to be addressed much more. No one wants to talk about the children who are living with chaos in their world that leaves chaos in their hearts. Remember they had no say whose Star they were attached to. This is not their choice to live with violence of any kind in their lives. Or to suffer the yelling and hurtful screams by parents who forget in their own anger that their child even is there.  Hurtful, degrading intimidating, bullying, and cruel loud words leave scars just as deep. They are just not as visible as the black eyes,  or as the bruises.

Domestic abuse in front of children is child abuse!  Did you know that?

Of the many web sites designated for Domestic Abuse there are good ones, decent ones, and great ones. Then there are of course some I’d question their agenda. “Healing Wings Retreat’s” web site is a great resource. They are a non – profit organization advocating for the need for abuse to be stopped, maybe even in our life time’s. Can you imagine a world where there would be no one hitting another, no one intimidating another, taking away any hope for any kind of self-esteem.

I hope you’ll visit their site and add your name to mine and others who are pleading for the lives of our mothers, daughter’ sisters, nieces, best friend’s to be saved.  It doesn’t just happen next door.

http://healingwingsretreat.org/