A Borrowed Love Song~ Because I Need You Now!

Dearest Grandson T; (I will not use your name here only so that I do not cause you any embarrassments of discomfort.)

I miss you this cold and windy day more than you’ll ever know. You’ve brought so much sunshine and warmth to my world and to have you now gone is sometimes more than I can bear. I have little doubt that you’re happier where you are and I saw this coming. I was just not prepared for it so soon. It’s not anything I want you to ever feel responsible for but I cannot help but miss you more than I hurt. The empty hole in my heart that was left behind shocks me, you’re not that far away and visits will happen often. The one I was counting on tonight has left me down, left me feeling like I really need you now.

This love letter and borrowed song may seem to you like these two things should be saved to be given only to lovers.To boyfriends from girlfriends. Not true. My heart has grown with so much love for you the baby boy who was born into this family, and the young gentle man you have spent the last 12 years growing to become. I’ve watched in fascination and delight. Never raising a boy before and only having girls I am often amazed at how different yet amazing boys are. This kind of letter and the dedication of this song below are only meant to express to you how much I need you now in my life, and always will.

The family traditions that we’ve played out each year I have discovered where not for me, maybe not even for anyone else in this family. I may have been fooling myself. They were and are for you and your only cousin on this side of your Nana & Papa’s family. Without you they are not what I thought they were. They are not the traditions I know without you. This is why I need you now. You Master T. & Ms K. are what it all was for. All about your shining eyes and willing hearts in the days leading up to any holiday would leave me with awesome anticipation and excitement at the thoughts of cooking and baking together, playing games, fighting (deciding) who will say grace that year, and the meals we shared. Sitting across the table from you and being reminded just how much I love you and that I need you in my life, in my world. That when I said as a little girl: “I want to be a grandma” it was because of you. The need of having a grandchild just like you.

I am not as selfish as this letter seems. I promised you that I only want what you are looking for to make you happy, to keep you safe and successful at what you choose to do. And I am able to keep that promise, to put your feelings and wants ahead of mine almost every time. Usually without any exceptions, questions or doubts.

 Except when I’m needing you now.

Having just this tiny family and watching it dwindle down is like losing someone you love very dear and not being able to stop the actions of others causing it to happen. I know this is all more mature than some might think good for you, but I know you T. I know how you were raised. I know that honest feelings were always spoke out loud and not shoved under some false idea of what is proper, and what is not. You were protected and kept safe, but not sheltered. I pray, even as I miss and need you now that those things you learned as you matured are things that will allow you to stay true and authentic to yourself. And to this relationship we’ve so lovingly nurtured and spent time together growing. The kind patience we have discovered with each other. Remember the dried apple? How long did it take?

It may be something not said much any more between grandparents and grandchildren, especially between the Nana’s & the grandson’s of this modern world. This is a different time. Loving you as honestly and passionately as I do I am concerned this open letter to you will cause some embarrassment at your tender age of manhood.  An age when you’ve not grown into your masculine skin completely yet; and not enough to know this letter is something that I need you to know now. Waiting to write this until your 18 may be too late in life and I’d be saddened to think you’d never know how much I needed you now. Then, now & always. So I write this now and in this way.

The tears are falling on my face as I write this my dear grandson. I’ll not get to hold your hand while we pray this year. I’ll not smell the hit of the cold fresh Autumn air in your hair when you sweep in the door. This is just as much a part of loving you as is hearing your newly husky voice cheering on the game with your mom and papa, while I pull the warm fresh rolls you love from the oven door. I’ll not be making fresh rolls this year for the table. I cannot. It’s a silly gesture I know. Maybe so a  love letter between grandmother and grandchild. This is how I express when I am unable to do so in real-time, or in person.  But I cannot and I will not apologize for who I am and how I do things. This is who I am..

I need you too much now.

I was not expecting this grandson. I was never expecting you to leave this closely knit friendship we created so soon. I know you never expected it either and as a 12-year-old young man this need of mine will never be shared with you until you’re old enough to know what it really means. To know, even though it’s a selfish act of a need of my own,  it’s one that is pure and honest. There is something really special about God bringing you to our lives, to this family, to this grandmother who loves you so much. That God would finally bring you, a young baby boy to my world and I can say with pride that my own grand baby boy is a gift by grand design. A design that shows me yet one more time that God knows what He is doing in our lives. How HE continually Blesses in ways we don’t expect.  I never expected to love you this much, never expected I’d need you so much in my life.

 Yet I was not prepared to have you gone so soon across the mountain pass. To be so far away and yet as close as only a phone call away Or a couple of hours road trip.. But I still miss you and when I put all my Thanksgiving eggs in the one basket and made them all about you being here this year I set myself up for great disappointment. It’s only because I miss you and need you now. I was not ready to experience this Holiday without you – thought when you’re were coming across the mountain pass all would feel right. If even it was just for the 4 day weekend, in our world with you here all would be as it should. I’d have you here to watch, listen and to learn from. The first year with you gone might have been easier to feel the changes happening with having time being spent as a family again, and time to adjust to you living across the mountain pass. I’m sorry I’m still not there yet.

Without sounding too whiney or pathetic; and without practicing a pity party for one, let me tell you that this letter and dedicated song below are just my way of expressing the pain and fear I am feeling with you gone from the world  I knew. The one with you a big part of it. Slowly and definitely your cousin Ms K left this side of the mountain pass too. The busier and more wild side of larger cities that you both find yourself in are worlds apart from the one here in this small hometown in the high desert that you knew. With exciting and new events happening daily in your life away from this small town I fear your need for this Nana will not linger as I’d always hoped it would. I wasn’t expecting this my grandson.  I just was not ready for you to move on across the mountain pass yet .~

I’m just not ready yet, I’m not ready for you to move on and no longer need me.  Not ready for me to no longer cross your mind.

I miss you terribly, I love you so.  And I need you now.  

 

 Lyrics and song  BY:  LADY ANTEBELLUM:  For you my favorite, and my only grandson: (Love songs are not just written and sung for boyfriend and girlfriends. Love songs can also all about the love between a grandmother and a grandson.

FOR YOU MASTER T~

Picture perfect memories Scattered all around the floor Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I Ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone And I need you now Said I wouldn’t call But I’ve lost all control

And I need you now

 And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey Can’t stop looking at the door Wishing you’d come sweeping In the way you did before
And I wonder if I Ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time
It’s a quarter after one I’m a little drunk And I need you now Said I wouldn’t call But I’ve lost all control

And I need you now

And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now
Whoa, whoa Guess I’d rather hurt Than feel nothing at all
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone And I need you now And I said I wouldn’t call But I’m a little drunk

And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now I just need you now
Oh baby, I need you now

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY T-BERT!

I LOVE YOU NOW ONLY MAYBE  MORE THAN YESTERDAY, AND WILL LOVE YOU MORE TOMORROW~

PS. of course you know that this is just a song and though the words mean so much not all is relevant to you & I. It is a love song and My Love I love you more than I ever thought possible. You are the one and only young man I’ll watch from day one until I can watch no longer. You are such a gift and joy to me. I hope one day you’ll understand why this song. I hope you’ll always remember too that despite this song singing about missing a loved one it also and is speaking of drinking whiskey and being drunk; know that I am grateful you’ll know that is not who I am. That you never saw me drunk.  

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3 thoughts on “A Borrowed Love Song~ Because I Need You Now!

  1. WOW! Instead of stuffing these feelings down and turning them into “pain excelerators”, you shared your words with those of us who can relate to the physical ache only beloved family can cause. Happy Thanksgiving Day, my Dearest Bestie, and thank you for reminding us that “stuffing” is strictly for turkeys!

    • Yesterday [Thanksgiving Day] was also about being Thankful for being able to express myself through my writing. Some things are to painful to stuff. After reading your email yesterday morning and having a really good cry (alone) the words dropped into my fingers and on to the key board.
      Family hurt is the worst.

  2. Oh My….with a dropping tear myself Dear Twin, I feel your sadness and sorrow. So sorry your Mr T won’t be gracing your home with his presence this Thanksgiving. What a let down that must be for the dedicated Granny I know you to be. Perhaps next year….one can HOPE.
    I absolutely ADORE that song by Lady Antebellum and that CD is on my short list of CD’s I’m wanting. I just got Adele’s 21 along with three Stevie Nick’s CD’s….but Lady Antebellum was in my cart before I had to weed some things out..but next time it’ll be staying…lol!
    Sending you Luv and Hugs on this day that you are having a hard time being grateful for when your heart is so broken. I’m sure you’ll recive a call from him and at least get to hear his ever maturing voice today….so maybe that will get you through~

You are most welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and/or complaints here. Know though complaints are only handled on the 2nd Tuesday of the week.~ The Management

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