I so thought this was going to work this time. That finally this one last time a solution was being gifted and rewarding trust and belief with some sense of relief. How wrong I was. How disappointed I am.
It’s been over two weeks now since the last Faucet Nerve Block Injections to treat my cervical spine disease. And I am quite fed up. Fed up with pain that is never relenting, fed up with constant chronic muscle spasms, fed up with treatment modalities that never work, fed up with trying to do the right thing by not going to stronger opiates for relief, and fed up with doctors urging me to believe that “This is the one treatment/procedure that will be of great benefit to you.” Ha! No offense Doc, but you lied.
I have been blessed to have blown out three disc’s that were repaired in 2001 with a fusion using a Titanium plate. Now ten years later I am dealing with a spine that is “wearing out above & below the fusion” Groovy. Add the cervical spine disease to the Jaw Joint’s Implant Rejection, the rejection of Teflon & Silastic, chronic muscle spasms, Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and you have one unhappy camper. Although to see me in the grocery store you’d never know what I am fighting. (Another topic for another day? “Why feel the need to hide the fact that chronic pain is impacting your life?”)
The pain in my L. arm & shoulder have nothing on the pain in my neck, back of my head, scalene and occipital muscles. Nothing on the frequent chronic migraines that visit daily. Yet I truly do need to be able to use my L. arm on a regular basis. I’m funny like that. I needed this last procedure to work. And because it did not I am back to feeling a hopeless. Hope is what keeps me motivated. Keeps me from giving in, giving up.
It still amazes me even after 27 yrs. just how much I take for granted. How soon I forget. I am being reminded in a not so gentle or subtle way that it’s not helping matters that my hopes were dashed after the first week. After the second week when the medicine injected was supposed to ‘peak” and did not I find I am not coping well. The disappointment is almost too much to bear. Not that anything was necessarily promised. Oh No, the medical community is much too careful for that. And I get it. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. So to speak. Intractable pain kind of works that way. It’s one of the insidious constants. No treatment will work for every person inflicted with daily pain. No treatment may be found that helps at all.
It’s a nightmare, and it’s only becoming worse because doctors are being frightened away from treating patients in chronic pain. And I get this too. The government is so caught up in fighting the drug war that attacking legit use of prescription drugs is an easy cop-out.
If you’re lucky enough to find a doctor who will work with you, only by trial and error can a combo of modalities maybe help to minimize the pain. But the key word here is FINDING. Finding the right doctor. Finding the right treatment.
My disappointment will calm down soon into a vengeful hunt again for an answer, a fix to my problem. I don’t know if it’s possible but without hope that there may be a way to help minimize my pain I am dead in the water. I cannot keep going if the reality is that there is no hope, no such thing.
Disappointment vs hope . What choice do I have?