For those who do not know I have a new life now in the high desert of central Oregon which is relevant to this post. Last week we had the “not too unusual” weather pattern change surprising us with a Spring Snow storm that developed into a full on White Out. The storm happening in mid April have mirrored for me the change in my own patterns. Much like the weather patterns my present journey seems in so many ways.
I am moved by the recent phases of my life’s journey, I have found that I have completely allowed an altered sense of routine I once had to disappear. No longer do I have the same sense of a routines which I held the whole of my adult life until recently. Where it all went I have no clue, but it up and moved itself away from my awareness. I; the woman who once had time management down so pat that she raised a family of two daughters, 3 foster-daughters, a mini farm of domestic critters on 3.5 acres in the country, managing a 25,000 sq. ft. pharmacy/drug store, attending school part-time, and singing with The University Of Oregon‘s women’s chorale society… All in a day’s work. I thought this was my success.
I have been through a whirlwind of life lessons to be sure. Many more to come my way I realize. This past year has knocked me off my bare feet many times, and last weeks snow storm which altered my entire town created an epiphany of sorts for me. The spring day’s routines swept through my mind and were gone again just as fast as the wind gusts carrying snow & hail droplets. It seemed as if it were some November day, not a spring day. My mind traced back those months of changes.
This last weeks storm reminded me that as I have been doing some delving into the seasons of my life I have been greatly remiss in nurturing many of my friendships. actually most of them if I am honest. As part of disabusing myself of the old self chatter and old beliefs that do not serve me anymore, I began to isolate myself to be able to clear not just my mind, but my heart & my spirit as well. I needed to have the clarity to see what is genuine. And to see what has nothing to do with my quest for personal peace, and being comfortable in my own skin.
Through this clarity I have seen how indulgent I have been to myself of late and this startled me. I am not saying I regret this, I am not sure how I would have found my way to where I am personally if not for the time I have allowed myself to heal; and to recover the woman who I had set up on a shelf for a while. It was just a lot longer of ‘a while’ than I had meant.
The one thing I do greatly regret is that would be the lack of nurturing of my friendships.
The past weeks storm and my lack of preparedness for it, being caught off-guard by it, it all struck me how my normal routines in my personal life have changed, my patterns finding different routes much like weather patterns hovering over central Oregon last week have done.
I had always known when a storm was coming and would prepare for it. In the event I could not get out for a few days I would stock up just as our entire community does. I actually heard by word of mouth a storm was possible. I gave it no further thought.
Kind of sounds familiar.
Now the storm has passed, its days later, the sun is shining radiantly, the day time temperature is back to its seasonably 60 degrees Fahrenheit. The weather pattern is holding in a calm & mild pattern again. Just as I am back in my saddle again.
The 2012/13 winter & spring here in the high desert has been as tenacious as I’d like to think I have been. not the snow fall expected but an enormously high number of inches of rain for this desert. I can relate to this in a very personal way, linking it to my own winter & spring expectations.
The snow & hail storm that had visited upon us this particular Sunday & Monday was chaotic and while I had to be out driving in it I made the connection again in my mind that just like this particular weather pattern life lessons can be just as stormy. Driving through this stormy weather and in the moment of waiting at a stop light the connection to what I have spent the past 4 months doing washed over me. I heard this connection that had been made for me in the hail hitting my windows shield. Who or how it happens I have no real answer…only clues.
Emotionally & spiritually I have been at times in such a blinding storm of feelings they needed to be sorted out, it was as if the gusts of wind had twisted each feeling into another, completely confusing any order that could have been.
Shelter I sought in the form of isolating myself socially. It is what I tend to do. Yet in taking care of myself I have also failed to take care of the special friendships I hold near to my heart, I have neglected blogging friendships, I have ignored family.
My hope is that those who were caught up in the tail winds of this personal storm can find some tolerance for a selfish act on my part, albeit not my intent ever to be rude or to be hurtful. I ask that you let this be an attempt at making amends, and that you let me apologize.
Mea Culpa. Big Time!
And after the storm, when all things quiet back down, the wholesome pattern of routines begins The sun shines brightly once more. Although very different today, in many ways there is great comfort in finding home again in what I do every day.
Living in the high desert in Oregon has its perks. Even in the dead of winter. I know of no other place that can be snowing bucketfuls, yet the sun will be shining so brightly that it warms the skin despite it maybe just being 23·F outside. We have an expression here where I live: ”If you don’t like the weather here just wait 5 minutes.” And it’s true. I would do well to remain mindful this is true of feelings too.
This is beautiful country, and if you are of the mind that all it does is rain in Oregon you have no idea what my Oregon is like.We are Sun Country. It is typically sun shining at least 300 days of the year in central Oregon and with an elevation at 3600′ above sea level. Even though summer time temps can reach the high 90′s and into triple digits as soon as the sun goes down so does the temperature It quickly begin cooling off even the warmest of hearts.
I love living in my native Oregon. In two hours I can drive to all three of the largest cities in Oregon. Portland the largest city, Salem our state capitol, and Eugene where our University of Oregon campus lives; as does the McKenzie River which is the gateway to my Bend. I love living in a place where am able to relate so well to my environment.
Maybe it is purely the electric energy from within this Universe ( I think it is this, and more) that creates these messages to the heart & soul. I cannot explain it, I just know it happens.
Below is a repost of a poem I wrote in February 2012;
I don’t write poetry. this was something of a fluke that was inside of me needing to be expressed. As I read it again today after writing the above narrative I know that this last year has been everything it has meant to be. and then some. These words I put together in prose and share again were somehow foreshadowing my life’s future. How marvelously ironic life can be.
“Saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep”
Losing some ground in a fight to keep a life
Fighting to stay in control of the progress made over many mountains and turning tides.
Forgetting the panic that sets me aside
forgetting the fear
Am not in charge.
Walking down the streets of options and second chances.
Am not in charge
Fighting the knee-jerk reactions to the enemy
Instead needing the heavenly place we look to tend our selves.
Wishing for stars to ride on through the storms.
There is no place left feeling to go. No option that will leave the enemy at the door.
Remembering the rights that are now proving to seem so wrong.
“My mind is muddy, my heart heavy , does it show?”
Feeling as if losing track of that which does not loses me, having choices taken away.
Am not in charge.
And some thing sent into fight has lost its worth, leaving in its place a hollowness that defies
still it comes back and threatens in the night.
Pain has been my enemy, said to be in the fight of my life
Not asking for a second chance at life, just let this one not be full of such strife
Screaming at the top of my voice.
“Give me reason, but don’t give me choice?
I’ll take choice,and throw reason for another season.
I’ll make the same mistakes again
pain free days, someday we will meet
“Maybe talk but we’ll not speak”
“I’m not asking for a second chance”
Not buying the promise,
Cause there is no promise that pain can keep.
“And the reflection troubles me”
Am not in charge. Never was.
“And so here I go….”
Morning Star Hear me roar!
Above link is to my Bestie & her (newly retired) husband’s new web store. A fine eclectic collection of items from their world travels & tours. Please have a visit.