Okay, I really thought, and so would most others that after 28 years I’d get over myself.
But I have not.
The holidays, most of them except the real biggies like Christmas & Easter bring about every time they come -the blues. The Holiday Blues. I let them creep into my life some time ago and cannot seem to shake them. It’s true that there are variables that I cannot be accounted for, but how I let it affect me is a whole different thing. I go through this every year. Not every holiday but some of the ones that used to be very special and were quite traditional for me. Maybe the tradition is why breaking away is so hard.
Holidays and my lifestyle have a hard time getting along. My lifestyle is my safety net that surrounds my life of chronic illness. It has become one of necessity to be as comfortable as I can and to continue to function. My illness involves my central nervous system which leads of course to my brain. To say that I am hypersensitive would be a complete understatement. My body reacts to different stimuli that I cannot subject myself to. Many of these different things will be found at holiday functions of course. Its becoming harder and harder to tolerate most of these things so I just don’t participate and no longer even go. The perfumes, the smoke from BBQ’s, even the noises become all too much for my body. And very quickly, and before I know it, I am on tilt, my senses are all on overload at once and I begin to shut down.
Knowing these things can happen is enough to keep me away. Its embarrassing and feeling foolish on top of it all is just too much anymore. So I don’t go anymore. Today is the 4th of July, Independence day in the USA. I had always attended, or we were hostesses of our own BBQ party and picnics. This would traditionally be the holiday we would spend at the river or lake intil well past dark.
Years ago I found that I no longer could safely be at either one. BBQ’s or the water. Why? Mosquitoes. If I am bitten I have a severe reaction and become violently ill. The first time it happened was in the mid 80′s when I had just started experiencing symptoms of my illness. I was so sick and my doctor could not find what was going on. Even Toxic Shock was being considered. Finally after a careful exam again over my body the bite was found. By now it was red and festered. I was asked about it and I explained I had taken the girls to the lake and yes I had been bitten by what I was sure had to be a mosquito. They were all over the lake. Bingo!! Having Giant Cell Reaction from the failed implants in 1986 has left my immune system like it is on hyper alert. It’s response to things that normally would be nothing but an itchy bite becomes much more to my immune system.
Knowing that I am doing the right thing by my body by not attending the big to-do on the 4th of July is not all comforting. Trying to recall the feeling and pain of the effects after pushing myself to attend is not always enough to sway me. Instead the blues step in. Or rather… ahem.. excuse me,.. I allow the blues to step in. And it’s not like I am hard up for company for heaven’s sake.
I just get to thinking about the fun I’m missing out on, the time spent laughing with friends, and the food shared, and I get to feeling a little melancholy. A pity party for one on the 4th of July. Now that is not right and I am trying so hard to have none of it. Yet trying to supplement our own mini Shin Dig never does it. I’m not having any of that false make-believe we are all having fun, when the kids cannot wait to leave to join their own parties. I cannot blame them and I don’t.
I need to shake myself out of this.